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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don't know what to do

25 replies

needausernameplease · 23/02/2023 08:01

NC for this.

Just after some opinions and advice really because I don't know what to think anymore. Since lockdown H has become increasingly controlling, and obsessive. He wants to know where I am, who I'm with. What I'm doing, when I'm home, constantly texts me and what I can and can't do. I cant text friends or family because he doesn't like me being on my phone, he doesn't like me going to bed early (10pm) because he wants to spend time with me, if I go to my friends house he doesn't like me being out late and he's grumpy with me when I get home if I am. He keeps asking me if I'm finding sex elsewhere. He moans about me having social media and doesn't want me to have it, but he has it, and will check who has liked my pictures and question me if he doesn't know who they are. Nothing I do is right, for example, he will tell me to do something, so I do it, then he will have a go at at me for doing it. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells and I don't know what to do, I would give more information on the whole situation but it's incredibly outing. He has spoken to a dr who has said he could have ocd or extreme anxiety, so he has told me I'm not allowed to get frustrated or upset with him for being like it because he can't help it. I just don't know what to do.. any one got any advice..?

OP posts:

WeAreTheHeroes · 23/02/2023 08:04

My advice is leave him. Life is too short to be unhappy like this and to have someone trying to restrict your life in this way. Walking on eggshells is a textbook feeling for someone in an abusive relationship. He is abusing you.

YukoandHiro · 23/02/2023 08:05

It's hard to know from your OP whether he's genuinely unwell or an abusive partner. Of course, even if he's suffering badly with something like OCD then his behaviour still amounts to abuse and will be damaging you.
Has he had good quality therapy for OCD and anxiety? Some of the treatment for OCD involves graded exposure.
You need to stop following his order however it makes him feel. The more you pander to it the more his illness has a grip on him. He needs to feel that discomfort and learn to sit with it - that's how you move beyond it.
On the other hand he could be using mental illness as a cover to excuse just being a controlling arsehole.
Either way something has to change: you can't live like this.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 23/02/2023 08:05

"He has spoken to a dr who has said he could have ocd or extreme anxiety, so he has told me I'm not allowed to get frustrated or upset with him for being like it because he can't help it. I just don't know what to do.. any one got any advice..?"

Yes get rid of this controlling selfish man child

CatherinedeBourgh · 23/02/2023 08:05

Leave. Build a new life with someone who isn't trying to control you at every step.

WeAreTheHeroes · 23/02/2023 08:06

Oh and a doctor has said he "could have" OCD or extreme anxiety, but hasn't prescribed him anything, not a talking therapy or a medication. Nothing? Bollocks. He's either inventing having even been to the doctor's or he has control of what he is doing and no intention of stopping.

Firsttimemum120 · 23/02/2023 08:08

He’s going to do and say anything like the dr comments to use it to
keep you exactly where he wants you don’t fall for it. He is controlling he is being abusive and he is in the wrong. I don’t mind my partner knowing where I am and who I’m with out of respect but to be constantly demanding that information is wrong.

Firsttimemum120 · 23/02/2023 08:10

It will get worse and don’t you even think about starting to do as he asks of you even with social media cause it will get worse and worse and if you don’t take a stand he’ll do it in other ways. I’d leave but I know it takes time and strength to do that

Original poster

needausernameplease · 23/02/2023 08:10

He has an appointment on the 3rd apparently to get a formal diagnosis but he's already said he doesn't want talking therapy. I told him Saturday I don't know if I want to be with him anymore and he said he wanted to jump off a bridge..

OP posts:

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 23/02/2023 08:12

So he would rather die than even try to put things right, Yeah.

Defaultsettings · 23/02/2023 08:13

needausernameplease · 23/02/2023 08:10

Of course he said that. You didn’t give him the response he wanted so he pushed it a bit further. He’s an abuser.

Bigmummaof2 · 23/02/2023 08:13

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. Is there a relative or friend you can stay with or confide in? I think you need some head space. Really need to sit and think if this is the sort of relationship and life you want to continue you living. 💐

YukoandHiro · 23/02/2023 08:14

"I told him Saturday I don't know if I want to be with him anymore and he said he wanted to jump off a bridge.."

That's manipulative abuse. Leave. People who are genuinely suicidal do not say things like this.

Leave as soon as you possibly can. What's your housing situation? Can you kick him out?

Treacletreacle · 23/02/2023 08:18

No doctor would leave you suffering until a diagnosis. They throw antidepressants at you like sweets for starters. So his lying. And even if he wasn't why does his health trump yours. The good news is you can see all that he is doing so at least your not in denial. Tell him he needs to leave. You deserve so much more than this life

Bigmummaof2 · 23/02/2023 08:19

Couldn’t agree more. My relationship before I met my DP was like this. Used to say this every time I wanted to leave. I ended up leaving and in therapy. Met my partner and are about to have our second baby. Couldn’t be happier. You just have to find the courage to actually leave. Life is so much more than this shit!

Ps….. my ex …. he’s still alive (of course)

Original poster

needausernameplease · 23/02/2023 08:20

We private rent. No savings, I have no family here. We have 2 DC junior school age. I have one close friend but she has 3 small children of her own and is unwell long term so has her hands full - sorry trying not to be outing. My financial status isn't great either I've had an iva so I can't rent anywhere on my own

OP posts:

Pseudonamed · 23/02/2023 10:03

My ex turned like this just after he had cheated on me. It was months before I found out he had cheated but he changed into a control freak because in his head he knew what he had gotten away with and was terrified I would do the same.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 23/02/2023 10:08

It is not impossible to rent with an IVA. I just looked it up. You need to be upfront with the letting agent/landlord.

Treacletreacle · 23/02/2023 10:10

Are you scared of him? What would happen if you started taking more control of your life and doing more things for yourself. I dont want to advise you to do anything that puts you in a dangerous position but if you feel you are currently stuck there with him maybe showing you won't put up with all this nonsense might make him change. My ex didn't want me going back to work. I got a Sunday job so he moaned until I said fine if you don't want to look after your kids I will find someone who will and that made him step up and do it. Sad we have to do these things. You can only know if he is willing to change. I know how it feels to feel trapped. Thinking of you xx

Original poster

needausernameplease · 23/02/2023 12:31

I have asked him if he's cheated and he's adamant he hasn't, but who knows. I don't know if I'm scared of him. He's done some shitty things but I stand up for myself. My head is mashed and I just don't know what to do anymore

OP posts:

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 23/02/2023 13:02

I feel like I'm walking on egg shells and I don't know what to do,
Tell him - every time.
Use the Broken Record technique, with one phrase on repeat:
"You are controlling me like a jailer again - stop it now. I do not have to justify my movements to you."

I would give more information on the whole situation but it's incredibly outing.
Sadly, you don't need to, as all these coercive controllers follow exactly the same predictable Script.

He has spoken to a dr who has said he could have ocd or extreme anxiety, so he has told me I'm not allowed to get frustrated or upset with him for being like it because he can't help it.
"It's a possible diagnosis, not an excuse. You are controlling me like a jailer again - stop it now. I do not have to justify my movements to you."

I just don't know what to do.. any one got any advice..?
Yes.
Tell everyone you know. Abuse thrives in secrecy, dies under sunlight. Keep shining that light.
Stop amending your behaviour, stop JADE'ing, use the Broken Record technique.
outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

And make a secret appointment with a lawyer about divorce, so that you can get an accurate pictiure of what the asset split, timeline, & necessary actions are. Because I am sorry to say - this behaviour will not improve. Once a coercive controller starts, the control ALWAYS escalates. He is already the an extreme end of the scale, which is why you need to tell everybody on "Team You" exactly what he is like & what you are struggling with.
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/myths/

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0399148442

& keep posting here. Legion PP have been through similar situations - you will be supported & understood while you come to terms with what you need to do.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 23/02/2023 13:05

needausernameplease · 23/02/2023 08:10

Remember "The Script" I mentioned?

That bullshit is straight out of the fucking script.
If he threatens self-harm, GET OUT, get away from him, then call the police & ask them to do a welfare check.

This is not idle advice OP. Womens AId would tell you the same thing.

LadyJ2023 · 23/02/2023 13:09

You know what they say the accuser is usually the cheat

BMW6 · 23/02/2023 13:12

I'd take my DC to a Women's Refuge OP. You are suffering Domestic Abuse.

They will keep you safe and help you to get away from him permanently.

Whether he carries out his threat of suicide or not, you cannot carry on living like this. It's abuse.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 23/02/2023 13:12

They never kill themselves though that’s just them being drama queens.

Original poster

needausernameplease · 24/02/2023 08:06

Does anyone know if women's aid will help with a deposit on a rental? Or anywhere that would help? I've found a little house round the corner from DC schools I'm thinking about calling about it today and seeing if they'll accept me with the iva if I explain a little bit about the situation but I haven't got a deposit. I might be able to scrape together half at most with my friends help. I'm so scared to tell him though.. and the kids they will be devastated

OP posts:

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