Guilt tripped...What is your relationship with your mother like?

[HettyMeg]

Feel I am often being guilt tripped. Done in a very covert manner so as not to be accused of guilt tripping. Also feel that when she cottons on that I'm unhappy with her about something, she manages to turn it around and find something to either bash me about or slag off someone else about to deflect attention. She's very touchy, if she perceives something to be slightly negative she believes it's aimed at her. For example, she gets on well with my in laws and is lovely to their face but she then criticises them to me, for no real good reason (weird stuff like how they act towards each other). I'm always on the receiving end of complaints about other people in the family which I used to find funny when I was younger but I now feel is a sign of someone with issues that they seem so disgruntled about how other people are living their lives. If she is upset about something she seems to find a way to always bring me into it, either blame me or generally make me feel like it's a joint problem when it's nothing to do with me. Generally pretty resilient but starting to get me down.

Anyone.....?

I have a relative like this, it's utterly draining and I'd bet my bottom dollar that she slags me off too behind my back. Feels like nobody can do right from wrong in her eyes.
I have gone very LC with her.

I think it's because they're so unhappy with themselves/own lives/choices etc, they seem to deflect it onto other people.

I don't know what the word is for these people but they never change.

Ah yes, I have (had) one like this. Didn't have a kind word to say about any of the people closest to her behind their backs. Even lifelong friends who otherwise were like sisters to her. This one rushed into marriage and bought the wrong house. That one had an extra piece of chocolate cake and she's already fat and didn't need it (and when that same friend had gastric band surgery and lost a ton of weight, she stopped speaking to her completely she was so furious...).

I never realised that she did about everyone until it came home to roost and came back to me. She's told people all sorts of awful lies about me, really malicious things. And then when people came to me and told me what she said, she started saying all sorts of horrible things about them behind their backs too.

Best I can gauge, it's due to pretty shockingly low self-worth. You would never know it from speaking to her. But she has to feel like she can put everyone down and then rally the troops to agree with her to feel better about herself. The guilt tripping is the same. If I didn't return her calls for a period of time, the next week, I'd just have £2000 show up in my bank account. Because apparently, she hadn't heard from me and thought something was wrong and I needed money. Which created just such an awkward dynamic, where I felt like I was then beholden to her and I couldn't send it back without causing a big offence. But I hated it as I was a grown professional woman with a child and a house and didn't need her money. It allowed her to feel worthy and needed though, and eventually became one more thing she could say to people about me...but she took all this money from me and look what a horrible daughter she is now. We are NC and it's peaceful now.

It takes decades to see family with any clarity, and even then many don't want to see. Culture moulds us into believing everyone is good so we tolerate behaviour and dynamics that are harmful and frustrating and for no benefit to anyone other than appearances. In nature animals will naturally keep away from other animals that are unpleasant whereas our society grooms us to put up with from family. It takes nerves of steel to see things as they are and act with our own interests. With my unpleasant family member I accepted that I couldn't help them stop being horrible to be around and they certainly didn't see a problem. Furthermore I wasn't helping them by putting up with it.