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Original poster

Clashing schedules/ preferences

16 replies

flowagurl · 22/02/2023 21:30

DH and I have very different schedules and since going back to work 4 days a week with a 1 year old it’s all just come to a bit of a head. We argue constantly. Am I missing something or do other people just get on with it?

He’s a bit of a night owl, prefers to eat dinner after babies asleep between 8-9pm. Goes to bed late and wakes up at 7. Starts work at about 9:30am

Me: (work 9-5 in the office) Get up between 5-6 with baby, have to be out of the house by 8am for work so can’t shower etc when DH gets up at 7 so I have to shower the night before.
I need to be in bed by 9:30/10 at the latest to function. Recently got promoted at work and need 100% of my concentration. Usually am so exhausted by the end of the day/ bedtime I just have a shower and go to bed after babies asleep.

I’m so overweight still from my pregnancy. I’m just fat, tired and force fed it feels and just kept being told I never spend time with him and am ungrateful for not wanting dinner 😔 I’m so miserable. Has anyone else had similar experiences and managed to come to a compromise on routines and preferences?

OP posts:

Opentooffers · 23/02/2023 00:21

So from when you get up, to when you go to work, you have 2-3 hours where you can't fit a shower in? I can understand you might be busy with your DC or not want to make a noise till he gets up at 7, but that still gives you an hour before leaving where you could have a shower.
The other thing is him staying up late even though he is now a parent, so not willing to change his life for it? Well he should, and at the very least you should be alternating getting up with your DC or get up together.
Also, if you leave at 8, you don't really need to get up at 5-6, so perhaps push forward your baby's sleep time an hour or so to get them to sleep in later.

Opentooffers · 23/02/2023 00:26

Does he mean more 1&1 time with him? Is he involved as a Dad because once you have a DC it's family time, you can't expect 1:1 as much, it's part of the deal.

HiImTheProblemItsMe · 23/02/2023 00:48

If you're both working, why are you up at 5 every day with the baby? Tell DH he can do half the wake ups at 5am and the evenings prior you will have dinner with him, since you'll be able to get a couple of extra hours in the morning to catch up on sleep.

Ponderingwindow · 23/02/2023 01:00

What you have is one person who is on baby schedule and and one person living an independent life. That needs to change.

RandomMess · 23/02/2023 01:25

There needs to be compromise, mainly by him.

You are dictated to by looking after your joint child! Where is his parenting involvement??

BananaCocktails · 23/02/2023 01:33

For me, 930 bedtime is just way too early but I am a night owl
seems like you’re going to bed at the time, he’s having his dinner, and that’s the time that you are both free to spend time together and children are in bed
I don’t really know what to suggest then unless one of you changes your work schedule
why can’t he get up earlier sometimes to sort the kids out? take it in turns?
or you could ask your work for flexible working request maybe start later and finish later on another day or something

Aquamarine1029 · 23/02/2023 01:38

It seems as though he is doing fuck all in terms of childcare. Why isn't he putting the baby to bed, waking up with them? Is he doing his share of the housework?

Tron80 · 23/02/2023 18:25

My goodness this has made me mad! Your DH needs to realise your lives have changed as you both now have a 1 yr old and working. He needs to stop being so selfish and adapt immediately to his new responsibilities. He needs to get his arse out of bed in the mornings ( wake him up , if his alarm is not doing the job) , you meed to insist on this now, equal sharing of responsibility. If he is that precious about eating after baby is asleep, let him eat alone and knock himself out! You eat when you are hungry and have planned to do so. You may find if he is up earlier and helping out more, he will be hungry for dinner at a more child friendly time.

"I’m just fat, tired and force fed it feels and just kept being told I never spend time with him and am ungrateful for not wanting dinner 😔 I’m so miserable".

Find your voice, start telling him a few things, what time he needs to up for a start. You eat when YOU want to eat. YOU both shower in the morning- work out who goes in first and who watches DC while other parent is showering. Who the actual hell does he think he is, King Tut? Do not allow him to continue making you miserable. Make a change for yourself and be heard.

If he will not adjust, you will be better off alone, trust me.

NoSquirrels · 23/02/2023 18:29

Why isn’t he getting up at 5-6am at least 3 days a week?

Why can’t you shower at 7am? He WFH, I assume?

Who does the baby’s bedtime? (It’s you, right?)

SavBlancTonight · 23/02/2023 18:37

So, he lives the life he wants to live and you facilitate this - getting up early with the baby (becuase he wants to got bed late), not showering (becuase he wants to sleep in) etc etc.

It's ridiculous.

For what it's worth - DH is a night owl. But that didn't mean he skipped taking his turn getting up with the baby. It just meant on his mornings to get up, he got less sleep. And sometimes, he had to force himself to go to bed earlier. And he'd have been HORRIFIED if I couldn't shower before work because it would wake him up.

Tron80 · 23/02/2023 19:22

" @BananaCocktails For me, 9.30 bedtime is just way too early but I am a night owl
seems like you’re going to bed at the time, he’s having his dinner, and that’s the time that you are both free to spend time together and children are in bed"

With kindness poster, it depends really on what your day to day consists of? Personally, I am up at 5.30am weekdays, work full time in a school and have 2 now very late teenage children myself. I am in bed most weeknights by 8.30pm/ 9pm as quite frankly exhausted. If I had waited for dinner at 9.30pm, just so that I could eat at a time that suited that my DH, I would have been working on empty. OP shares similar routine.

To think back also to the hot days we had last summer and, to not have had the ability to shower in the morning before going to work , is quite frankly shocking and disgraceful.

Luckily, I am long divorced and manage my own time and family. Not sure what time you get up or what your day involves but some people are run ragged from dawn to dusk, eating at 9.30pm is not sustainable , practical or an option. Night owl or not, there is a shared responsibility with very young children and to intimate in your post that the OP is going to bed during their " spend together and children in bed time" is insensitive, hurtful and not supportive in my personal opinion. Maybe the DH should look at his time clock , then adjust it to fit in more with his family responsibilities.

" why can’t he get up earlier sometimes to sort the kids out? take it in turns?"

Agree totally.

"or you could ask your work for flexible working request maybe start later and finish later on another day or something"

Eh?

Or could the child's father ( DH) ask for reduced/child friendly hrs? Or could the DH just get up earlier and tailor his life to his new responsibilities? Not sure why OP has to submit / request a flexible working . Not sure why the OP has to continue to curtail her life/ work, in order to sustain the preferred routine and status quo of others /DH? DH has these same avenues open to him?

Clymene · 23/02/2023 19:25

Why are you the only person getting up with the baby? Is it because you have a vagina?

RunTowardsTheLight · 23/02/2023 19:27

Are we missing something OP, because from your post he sounds like a selfish twat.

mindutopia · 23/02/2023 19:30

When you have small children, realistically you have to adjust your schedule to them. No one gets to sleep til 7 just cause they are a ‘night owl’ while the other is up at 5-6am with the baby. During weeknights, you both need to eat and go to bed at a reasonable enough time that you’re both able to get up and parent together. If one of you worked til 10-11pm, then that would be different.

Dh and I prioritised evenings together on Friday and Saturday. So we stay up later, have a separate dinner together alone without dc and then take turns having a lie in. If one of us stays up later in the week, we still need to be up to get kids ready for school as that’s what parents do.

TheMatriarchy · 23/02/2023 19:35

Why is he not getting up with his child in the mornings as well?
What a special little prince he sounds like.

3LittleFishes · 24/02/2023 06:28

Well I would start showering in a morning, so what if it wakes the precious Prince up?
I would also be asking which days during the week he will be getting up with the baby (including doing breakfast and getting them dressed).
Why are you tiptoeing around his sleep schedule, time he grew up I think.

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