Ashes to Ashes? Where there’s fire… WWYD?

[PrussianBlueVelvet]

I’ve been divorced for two years and have had a couple of relationships that lasted about 10 months each. I ended these relationships because one of the men travelled a great deal and we would never spend more than 2 days together. The second man I felt was too keen to move in together and I was not. I don’t miss them.

I am 46, have no children, never wanted to have any. I am financially independent. I have a busy social life, have friends of both genders in a similar situation and I am close to my family. I have no hard feelings toward my ex husband. We just grew apart. I dont miss him either.

Now, when i was 27 I met a younger man, he was 19 then. We had a lot of no strings fun for about six months. I was besotted but I didn’t think there could be a future. There were never any plans. I never asked. He saw me when he had nothing better to do I guess and I dropped anything and anybody when he called.

We never met again but we have been in contact via email over the years. He has had a couple of partners but never married and has no kids. The last year we have been more in contact than ever, now via text. In our last chat he said he is single and he has never forgotten me. Sometimes we said we should meet but it never happened yet.

What would you do?

Meet! What's the worst that can happen?

Go for it!

Yes, go for it! what have you got to lose?

Probably do a video chat or something before you meet up, in case seeing each other in real is a disappointment.

Guess it depends if you think he’s matured and wants a relationship now (if that’s what you want, I mean if you’re happy to have it the same as last time happy days). I’d be wary of getting hurt

After reading far too many horrifying threads on here, I would first find a way to verify that he is actually single!!! After that, if he was, I’d go for it. What’s the worst that can happen?

Yes, I would meet, but just for the sex.

I have reported the reply above mine.

But OP why not meet up? If you don't you will forever wonder what he is like now. You seem sensible enough to walk away if you feel things won't work out for you.

Thank you all for your kind replies.
There was so much to say and I didnt know if anybody would offer me advice.

I know what he looks like. We have sent each other photos over the years. I think he was the best looking man I had ever met (and I have met loads!) back then. He is 38 now and has become heavier with a fair bit of a double chin and quite a bit of a beer belly. It does not make any difference to me. His eyes and hands look the same.

What may make a difference is that 15 years ago I stopped smoking, started exercising four times a week, became a vegetarian and reduced my drinking down right to a few drinks if I go out. I am not the party girl he once knew. I am now a middle aged woman trying to remain healthy and reasonably attractive.

I am very particular when searching for a partner and I dont think that a relationship could work between us. There are many reasons why. Lifestyle ones, as above. Practical ones, such as he lives in Manchester and I in London.

And fundamental reasons too. He has mentioned that he wanted to have kids but sadly it didn’t happen for him. I have never and will never want children. Not my own, nor adopted. I love my nieces and nephews. That’s all I need. He should have kids! And with so many ladies in their late thirties wanting a traditional family, I dont understand why he hasn’t yet. Well, he has all the time on his side anyway.

So why am I asking you what would you do? Because I feel there is no solution.
I feel that somehow -as absurd as this sounds- I still love him. And I’m scared shitless of being at his mercy again… but I can’t forget him or block him. I can’t. I’ve been trying for twenty years. I cannot.

I wouldn't meet him. You are in a really good place.

I'd consign him to the same "don't miss him can't be arsed bin" you have consigned all your other exes to.

Face the brutal facts - he used you whenever he felt there was nothing better on offer, & dropped you the moment something more interesting came up.

Don't debase your self chasing after an old fling, it's not worth it. You are worth more than being some geezer's private convenience. Why not take a break from dating, & concentrate on yourself for a year? You were married for X years, then you've had a man in tow for 20 months out of 24 - how about putting yourself first for a while, & find out what really makes you happy? That way, maybe you'll eventually meet somebody who doesn't leave you feeling 'meh'.

I still love him.

No you don't. You haven't even met in 20 years. This is infatuation, sorrow for lost youth, an itch you can't scratch, the one who got away - insert any other cliches of your choosing, & this is it.

You knew him for 6 months, didn't see a great deal of him then, & he didn't treat you well. What you are feeling is leftover limerence. FGS don't go back, go forward. Enjoy your singledom for a while & keep telling yourself that you can do better than chasing an old fling who was flaky with you.

Definitely meet up . What have you got to lose.? Best case , you reignite that spark , worse case , you have a pleasant date that doesn't need to go further .

Go for it!!

I was in my early 30s in a two year relationship with a man I was telling friends I was going to marry.

Then a new guy started at work and asked me out - he was nine years younger than me.

I refused but he persisted over six weeks and we're now married with teenage children. Best decision I ever made.

Given the last bit about being scared shitless about being at his mercy again, I would keep it as penpals at most and not meet.

If you weren't as invested, it might be nice for a fling, but as you are, nope, don't do it to yourself.

What wide range of advice… I am truly grateful to you all for taking the time to respond…

I was married for 12 years, had other partners before, but I would say that I have been single for 25 out of my 46 years.

I do not think I want to live with him -or anybody else for the foreseeable future- I desperately want to see him again… I never tried to because I was afraid that he may not fancy me any more… but he says I havent changed (my boobs have! He has not seen them)… I am scared that I will become very attached and that he will think I am too old for him.

I am so scared that once I have seen him again there will be nobody I can fantasise about.

Why should love only be one thing? I feel love, I want him to be happy above all else, I want him to be fulfilled, even if it is not with me.

I am so confused.
I dont know how to handle this.

How could I find out if he is married?

This is great advice.

Thank you all.

Would still like to know how to find out if someone is married?

Google the hell out of him for a start.

Are you connected on social media? It's a possible indicator that he's being less than honest if he claims he has none, or has some but "never uses it" - it's possible that's true, but it bears scrutiny. I'd be having a search through FaceBook, LinkedIn and so forth for profiles.

If you have any friends or acquaintances in common, worth mentioning he's been in touch and seeing if they know.

You can also try reverse image searching any pictures he's sent to you, see if that turns up any hits. Tineye is a free online tool you can try for this (other brands are available).

I am scared that I will become very attached and that he will think I am too old for him.

I am so confused.
I dont know how to handle this.

Why are you even considering exposing yourself to the almost inevitable angst you would cause yourself then? why not just keep him where he belongs - as a fantasy?

That is a great tip! Ta!