I know I’ve been stupid

[Purplemood]

Hi
so I know what I’ve done is morally wrong and I feel bad for it so please no judgment. Im just looking for any advice or if anyone has had a similar experience.

I split up with long term partner around 6 months ago. He walked out on me and 2 year old child after a rocky last 12 months of 6 yr relationship. This broke my heart and flipped world upside down.

I have never been unfaithful. 2 months into break up a new man started at my work. We are from the same area, knew same people and had a lot in common. He started to sit near me and we chatted daily and grew close, I found myself confiding in him. We kissed at the Christmas party and then an intense 8 week affair started. He told me he had really strong feelings for me and that his relationship was at its end and even that they had broken up at 1 point. It became apparent he had a messy relationship and no real intention of ending it.

we both agreed to call it off about a week ago but maintain our friendship. However now he texts occasionally and I can’t stop myself replying and reading in to everything he also keeps asking me to go for lunch at work and is always flirty and cracking jokes. I’ve got feelings for him and feel drawn to him but then I feel sad when I leave work and like a fool.

should I cut contact completely? Or try to dumb down my feelings and just be friends. He says things like one day we will be together. I don’t really believe this anymore but just feel like I’m dragging my own heart through the mud and also that I’m a bad person. He has a young kid too.

He's a liar and a cheat and he is using you to feed his pathetic ego. Is that the life you want?

You're behaving like a fool.

You need to cut contact completely. Stop being selfish, think about what he's doing to his partner, which you are knowingly and actively participating in. Do you not feel embarrassed to be that woman at work?

I hope you've been using protection with him because I'd bet my left tit you're not the only gullible, lonely woman he's got a hook in with "I promise we'll be together one day" horseshit.

And what do you think will happen if he does leave her and you do end up together? Do you honestly, truly believe he won't inevitably cheat on you too? How low is your self esteem that you have feelings for this creature? He should repulse you.

Yes, cut contact completely outside of work and stay away from him at work.

Perhaps make a last message, something like - I'm finding our ongoing contact uncomfortable and trying to be "friends" doesn't work when you constantly cross boundaries, flirt and tell me we'll be together someday. Please don't attempt to contact me outside of work any more, and in work, I would appreciate if you keep it purely professional from now on.

He’s just using you to make himself feel good, feed his ego as pp said. I have a friend who’s been strung along like this for years by a man. It’s prevented her meeting anyone else and moving on with her life — he has no intention of leaving his wife and just texts or turns up at hers when he wants an ego boost.
Don’t fall into the trap she has.

So if he ‘walks out’ on his partner and child, you will think you won a prize. You will be happy that his partner feels as shit as you did when your partner left? Will that boost your self esteem?

Why do you have feelings for him? Is it the way he completely disrespects his partner to get his leg over with anyone that’s willing to participate? Is it how he has shown you what a liar he is? Or is it the way he is playing you and not giving a shit about you?

You say you know you have been stupid. But are still carrying this on. I don’t believe you think you have been stupid. You hoped someone will post about how their relationship started like this and how they have been together 20 years, blissfully happy and even the woman he left is now living her best life and it’s all a fairytale. Then you can continue in your fantasy.

+1 to this.

To get over a relationship /romantic involvement and be able to be friends, you have to go no contact for a few months. At the end of that time you might decide you don't even want to be friends with him.

You've done a bad thing but that doesn't mean you are a bad person. It sounds like you have had a really hard time of it. Xx

You need to stop this, however sad it will make you in the short term it will be so much harder if you let it go on any longer. He is not a good person and you and your child don't need anymore people in your life like this. Block him, keep your distance at work, look for a new job. You are worth more than this.

He's using you to boost his ego, and he probably hopes for a shag some time. You're being played. Delete his number and any other connection (Facebook etc)

Why would you want someone who would walk out on his family?

Think of this guy as your classic disastrous rebound - you were just out of a upsetting break-up - the reason it's been intense and difficult to navigate (apart from him being a lying cheating arsehole) is not because it's special or meaningful, it's because you haven't got over your break-up and it's been a distraction from your grief over that.

He's a sleazy toad and you're probably not the first affair partner he's had.

Don;'t spend time beating yourself up about being sucked into this, but do start looking after yourself better and doing the right thing by cutting him off.

should I cut contact completely? Or try to dumb down my feelings and just be friends. He says things like one day we will be together

He is a major bullshit artist & does not deserve to be your friend, let alone your b/f. Tell him to leave you alone. Block him on all comms except work email.

Yes you’ve been stupid, it’s up to you wether you want to continue being stupid.

You know what you should do, it’s not rocket science. ‘Being just friends’ is you hedging your bets, a sort of sorry but not sorry. Your self respect is somewhere, I suggest you start looking for it.