Possible narc mother and partner - what to do next?

[Flowersinthewindowstill]

I was going to write a long message about this, but understand all the details will make this into a very long. Long story shortish, I've recently had the revelation my partner is probably narcassisic - even if not narcassistic, very emotionally abusive. His behaviour was seriously escalating hence the sudden problem. I'm feeling a lot of trauma over all of this and struggling with eating/sleeping. My (soon to be ex) still thinks we're together so I'm waiting till my dad comes down to help me get everything together/move his stuff out.

During this realisation I've also realised my mother is probably the same. Constant giving and withdrawing of love. Subtle put downs. Awful to me at times emotionally as a child. I'm now a terrible people pleaser and this is probably the 4th time I've been emotionally manipulated.

I'm meant to be going back to my parents for a week or so to calm down from everything that's been happening, but I honestly don't know how to move forward with either of these people. No contact is probably not possible with my mother, but low contact probably is. With my partner he'll beg to be together again. Unlike my mother, who claims she's an empath, he does seem more aware that he has a problem. I'm not sure whether to step back from the relationship and just deal with it like tat for now or whether to have a clean break.

And where do you start with recovery from emotional abuse from two of the most important people in your lives?

Sorry, realise that was still quite long!

You've already started, so you don't need to know where to start. Your post shows that you're past that point.

Your mum has trained you during your childhood to think and feel that that's what love looks like. And you've gone out and found it over and over as an adult. What you need to do now is to think about when you first thought/felt 'Huh?!' at your partner's way of treating you. The first time it didn't seem right, to you.

Then, you have to remember how it felt, and make sure that in future, if you get that feeling with anybody, you stay away from them. And that's it. That's your point of vulnerability pinpointed, and protected. Nobody who treats you in the way you're vulnerable to can ever get close to you again, because as soon as they do it, you'll swat them with your emotional fly-swatter.

People will tell you that you have so much work to do on yourself, etc, but that's at the nub of it all. Simple, but not necessarily easy. You have to look after your own feelings like you'd look after those of a child. 'He did x and I didn't like it!'. 'Well then, darling, we'll stay away from him, shall we?'

Thank you, that is really sound advice.

I'm leaving on Saturday for a while but in the meantime I'm worried. He keeps calling me and think he was buzzing my doorbell last night. Have really struggled to sleep all week because of fear. Logically I know he can't get in easily, but I'm still very fearful of him.

Search and watch Doctor Ramani on YouTube. She had so much content and published well received books on all things narc.

You need to cut him out your life, get serious boundaries with you mum, and get counselling with a therapist who understands complex relationships with narcs. Long journey but so worth it for your life back. Good luck.