Would meeting someone help?

[SpinningFloppa]

My ex left my 5/6 Years ago now, the time is I still feel angry bitter and resentful about it. It hasn’t got any better at all in this time and I still hold so much anger, people say to “let it go” if only it was that easy? Time hasn’t helped, I don’t feel any different. Life is hard extremely hard, he doesn’t bother with the children, maybe I would feel less resentment if he did? Would meeting someone else help? I’ve been single this entire time as it’s been too hard to meet someone being on my own with the children but I wonder if I would feel better if I met someone? Maybe that’s why I feel so angry still? Others seem to move on so quickly and I feel stuck in the past. I can’t just let it go life isn’t as simple as that and I try not to think about it but it doesn’t help.

I think you need to work on yourself first before thinking about meeting someone new. It's understandable for you to feel this way after a breakup, but 5-6 years later the only person suffering in this situation is you. Can you arrange some talking therapy sessions to air your feelings and work on the root causes?

Yes if it was easy to let it go I would have but I can’t, I’m left suffering whilst he has swanned off as if the children never existed.

You can't start a healthy relationship from a position of victim mentality, OP.

What happened happened. A new partner won't change that, and nor should they be given the responsibility of trying to lift you out of your pit of despair.

You are trying to outsource the responsibility for your happiness. You need to realise that it's up to you to fix it. You are in charge. You are the boss. You are independently responsible for your wellbeing, so take responsibility.

I don’t feel like a victim at all, but yes I am angry my ex abandoned the children not sure why I wouldn’t be? Other people who don’t have children seem to meet people to get over exes I see it often.

You can't move on (literally) because you have no downtime, and no real possibility of meeting someone so no wonder you're frustrated.

I wouldn't pay much attention to this "be happy in yourself" clap trap. Most people want and desire intimate relationships, it's perfectly reasonable, it's a human need, to be cared for, to want to share life with someone.

And yes, I do think if you were able to develop a romantic relationship you would feel less frustrated about your past.

Thank you. I agree it’s normal for humans to want relationships and to meet someone, whilst some might love being on their own and that’s great for them it’s usually because it was their choice, this was not my choice, it’s normal to want to share your life with someone. I didn’t choose to be single I was left. I didn’t get that choice. If I was to meet someone I would put effort into meeting someone, other lone parents seem to it will probably be hard but not impossible.

Being angry that your ex abandoned the children is taking over other parts of your life, @SpinningFloppa , that's where the victim mentality comes in. All the things you're talking about (having/not having children, meeting someone, getting over a relationship) are separate things. You're lumping everything in together.

People with or without children find it easy or hard to get over past relationships, and find it easy or hard to meet new partners. All interchangeable variables.

Your new relationship, if/when it comes, needs to be for its own sake. Your ex, how he treated you, how he left you, and how you feel about that, can play no part, if you want your new relationship to be a good one.

How would you feel if you started a relationship with someone, and they told you they were with you to help them get over their ex?

I wouldn't pay much attention to this "be happy in yourself" clap trap

Heaven forbid that we should take responsibility for our own happiness.

I do know what you mean but I just feel many people already do that? You see it on here time and time again, someone dumped posting on here how heartbroken they are yet they are already on apps and have new dates lined up! Within weeks… I just feel like it may take my mind off things if I had someone in my life. I would have dated if I wasn’t a single parent long before now if I wasn’t a single parent so it’s not that I don’t want to life has just got in the way and I am realising now I will have to sacrifice things if I ever want to meet anyone and move on.

My ex told me I wouldn't meet anyone as a child.
Ha
I did
My ex went on to meet some one with a child also.
Go for it op.

Yes, many people do many things that are unhealthy.

How would you feel if someone was with you to help them get over their ex? Would you say 'Of course, darling, your ex is on your mind so much, let's spend more time together to see if we can take your mind off her, and how horrible she was to leave you like that'? Or would you say 'This guy isn't over his ex, I'm off'?

Tbh they would never know, it’s not something you tell someone. I am over him in the sense I don’t want to be with him and don’t have feelings for him anymore so it’s not that I’m not over him. I’ve just asked on my single parents group how long people have waited before meeting someone new and answers are mainly between 2 weeks 😳 and 2 years. Just thought it may help and it’s been almost 6 years! I think maybe I’m still angry because I haven’t had the chance to meet someone else.

You seem to be studiously avoiding the question, which is a hypothetical one, to try to get you to see that it's not a good reason to start a relationship.

I suppose the fact that you wouldn't mention it is telling. Why wouldn't you?

What are ‘good’ reasons to want to be in a relationship?

I spent many years being single, and during that time I read a lot of cliches, most of them along the lines of being happy in myself, living an active and full life, and (perversely) to have hobbies where I might meet men. I didn’t!

It was pure coincidence but I met now DH during a very unhappy period. While I would advise caution with this, as it can make you vulnerable, that wasn’t the case for me. I found within months things changed dramatically, and I’m still in shock it happened

Most people do want a relationship. I agree it would help @SpinningFloppa to move on from the past but with children from that relationship and bearing the emotional and financial burden, that’s easier said than done. I don’t have any answers here, but something to throw into the mix a bit here might be that you feel better when you’re part of the world a bit and I found it harder to be when single. Hear me out as I know I’ll get regaled by tales of the amazing social lives MNetters have, but while I had lovely friends, they had husbands, children, other friends, parents. I was way down the list and they saw me when they could squeeze me in. So no holidays (I have young children, I couldn’t afford or really want to take a girls holiday with a friend) unless I went solo. No eating out. No concerts, no summer picnics, even walks are dull alone. I know you can do those things alone but that was the point, I didn’t want to.

i think even if you don’t meet ‘Mr Right’ it helps sometimes just to feel part of the world. I hope that makes sense.

Yes, it would. It doesn't have to be a very serious relationship. Just someone new to focus on. To let go of resentment.

If your location isn't ideal, and there's nobody to meet, that might be a bit of a problem.

Go for it, just don't expect too much from it.

It may increase your confidence and allow you to let go of some of that resentment.

Do your homework make sure they're single, you don't want another git.

Sign up to bumble
Even just chatting to some men can help

Perhaps talk so you can begin to move on.
Why not start dating?
Meeting people and seeing how you find that?
The dynamics of relationships with having children can be a challenge.

We all have a past, we all have hurt, anger at least you can see that.
Some men do too.
I say give it a chance.

Thank you for the positive comments. Yes I feel stuck in a time warp basically, like life is passing me by. I agree with what you said Amarchhare I don’t think there is necessarily a right time to meet someone, I’ve heard of people meeting a partner in less than ideal circumstances when they were going through a really difficult time. I feel cut off from life, like I’m basically forced to isolate myself, if would be nice to feel wanted and desired again. Like others have said even if it’s just chatting for now which may lead onto more but I think it will give me something else to focus on.