Family upset with me because I got married, AIBU?

[Legoa]

I have been in my relationship for 7 years, been engaged for 2 years we have the house kids etc.. we wanted to get married now our lives are sorted, no debt both in good jobs etc.

I have tried over the past year to include my mum in plans but she seemed uninterested, telling me how expensive weddings are and her words where to elope, and not to give her the stress of it all. My brother got married 5 years ago, she gave them alot of money to help pay for the wedding. I didn't want her money but she never offered anyway. It's like my brother is number one to her. She was very interested in his plans. I got no enthusiasm at all when I tried to talk about wedding venues she just told me how stressful and expensive it would be. She's also made a few cruel remarks about me not looking nice in a white dress.

After a few tears with my eldest child and now husband, we decided to elope and not invite any family to our registry office wedding. The next day I phoned my mum to tell her my news, to which she told me I was selfish and I had hurt her by not inviting her and she was disappointed in me. I text my brother to tell him i had got married. His wife rang me to say I was horrible for not asking their kids to be bridesmaid and pageboys. Now no one will speak to me.

Ever since I got engaged I tried to share my wedding ideas but no one was interested, so we decided to just do it. We didn't want debt or a huge party. Just low key and quiet I hate being centre of attention, we did what was right for us. It's upsetting that my family won't speak to me and I've been made to feel like my wedding should have been what they wanted. No one on my side of the family is happy. No one has said congratulations.

Then youre better off without them.
Congratulations on your wedding. I hope you had a wondeful day xx

I went through a similar situation. I can relate to the frustration so much, just remember when you tried to involve them they did not care and its your day so as long as you and your OH had a great time that's ALL that matters! Congratulations, enjoy married life and take no crap 😌❤️

Congratulations!

Dsis eloped. Our side of the family all congratulated her. Her MIL ranted at my DM demanding to know if she knew about the wedding (she didn’t) and made it very clear she wasn’t happy they eloped. People are sometimes twats, you seem to have a large share of them in your family. Don’t let it ruin what was a lovely occasion for you.

Congratulations on your wedding OP.

I'm sorry to hear how your mother has treated you, it sounds like your brother is the golden child and you are the scapegoat. Your mother has been very unkind to you and the things she has said are not those of a good loving mother.

You may, like I was, wonder why you often get things "wrong", but it's actually not you, it's her. There is no pleasing these people, they will always set you up to fail.

Perhaps read up a bit on narcissistic mothers, I think you will find things starting to make sense. Sympathies, it's not easy, and the best way for mental peace is to distance yourself, probably completely.

Well I think your only mistake was telling them.

Your mum sounds like she wouldn't be happy whatever you did, so best not to include her in any of your plans from now on. Your family's reaction says more about them than it does about you.

One of the nicest posts I saw on Facebook from my cousin was of her, her partner and their two teenage children, outside the registry office having just got married. I had no idea they were even going to get married. It was their day and they all looked so happy. I would just focus on your now dh and children and enjoy your life together. Many congratulations 🎉🍾🥂

Congratulations.

You did the right thing.

Your mother has shown you repeatedly who she is, and that is not nice nor kind.

Take a big step back and try and accept her for who she is, and not what you would like her to be.

Of course it is upsetting and painful, but she has history for this behaviour.

Celebrate this happy time and step away.

Often the favourite child is NOT the child that is expected to run around for elderly parents.

So take this opportunity to step away and leave them to it.

Consider some counselling to support yourself because it doesn't sound like a very nice upbringing you have had.

Congratulations on all the good things you have built in your life, a good relationship, career, children.

You don't need these people to bring down your mood.
Celebrate your success and step away.

Congratulations to you both on the occasion of your recent wedding .

You're better off without such toxic people like your mother, golden child brother and SIL in your lives. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; the role assigned to you here was scapegoat for all their inherent ills.

Keep well away from them all going forward; no good will come to you from having any contact with them. Do read about narcissistic family structures and you may well want to read "Will I ever be good enough?" by Karyl McBride.

They’re clearly horrible people, so if you’d had a big wedding and invited them that wouldn’t have gone well either. Your mother adores your brother and has issues with you because she’s sexist and has a lot if self-loathing that she projects onto you. It’s textbook psychology.

Congratulations on your marriage :)

Congratulations and ignore them as they ignored you when you tried to involve them.

I bent over backwards to try and make everyone happy (I wanted to elope) and had the wedding everyone wanted and they all fell out during the wedding and refused to speak to me for months - even though I wasn't aware of the fall out. So you can't win.

It's done, you're married, they need to get over themselves as its not about them and what they want, its about you. They need to remember that its' the bride's / happy couple's day and they can and should spend it how they want.

So yes, you could have gone through all the organising and expense and still ended up with everyone upset at you. At least this way you've saved a lot of time, money and effort and are happily married which is the point of the thing after all.

Its on them to resolve this and apologise not you.

Congratulations!

It sounds to me like nothing you could have done would have been right. Accepting this may be difficult but knowing it frees you too. No fuss, no debt, people there who love you - sounds beautiful to me.

If you can accept that you can't do anything right in their eyes then it could be very freeing. If you can't please them no matter what you do then you might as well please yourself.

I'm a bit of a cow, but I would text your mum and say "You told me to elope, and I did. I'm happy with my decision. It's over and done with now and I won't discuss it with you anymore." To your DB and SIL tell them "Mum told me to elope, if you aren't happy you need to take it up with her. I enjoyed my wedding day and that's what matters."

So I would tell your mother that you have no idea why she's being arsy with you, given you were just taking her advice.

And I would tell your brother and his wife that, fond as you are of their children, you weren't having an expensive wedding simply to give them a chance to dress up and throw confetti.

Point out that you've tried to talk about it many times and since they didn't seem to give a shit you simply assumed they wouldn't care.
And perhaps if it was actually important to them, they should have been more interested.

Congratulations from a fellow eloper! Your family sound vile xxx

I think I'd be putting it to them in writing exactly as you have here, then enjoying your happiness without their negative influence. Congratulations btw xx

Totally agree with everyone else. Congratulations on your wedding and doing it the way you wanted, @Legoa . They would have found fault with anything you'd chosen to do, and if you'd gone down the route of a big fancy wedding you would have had months of stress off these people, spent a load of money and ended up in exactly the same place - married and with your family unfairly reproaching you about how you'd done it.

Sod them. I'd start to move towards low contact, I can't see how these people are adding joy to your life.

Your mum sounds very self centred. She also doesn’t sound like she is very kind to you. It is difficult in families like that often one child is put on a pedestal and the other child is in a permanent cannot win situation. The best thing for managing them is boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Your mother can feel how she feels don’t try to sort it out for her. Not your circus not your monkeys. I grew up in a similar family. I distanced myself from them over the years. It is tough though.

Congratulations!
If you'd done things their way, they'd have been weird about it AND you'd have had to watch them being weird about it during your wedding.
This way, they're weird about it but you didn't have to watch them being weird about it during your wedding. That's much better.

Congratulations!

Weddings are for the couple not the families. I hope you are very happy. 🎊

This happened to me!

Ex DP brother had a huge wedding and parents paid. My worst nightmare! We did the registry office with 2 friends and then invited everyone to a big party a month later

Dp brother never spoke to me again and we eventually split as he would never stand up to his brother or their parents over it

I'm late to this thread but was reading as DH and I eloped on Monday and his mum and sister are furious. They keep going on about feeling pushed out and weddings being a family thing.

Ive been taking it all a bit too personally so the comments here helped! Their reaction is their problem not mine.

I hope it all settled down with your family.

Congratulations!

Your family sound weird.