So confused

[Middleofthenight7]

can someone please help me understand what is happening in my life. Been with DP for over 20 years, first loves. He has now stated he doesn’t love me and wants to buy me out. He doesn’t appear sad just robotic about it all. However he hasn’t moved out or told any family about anything. We still share a bed and everything is ok apart from this hanging over us. We even had sex last week initiated by him (I now deeply regret doing that). It feels like he just can’t be bothered to deal with someone else’s feelings and I feel very conflicted. I desperately want our family to stay together and I don’t know what to do

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Looks like he has emotionally checked out but can't be bothered to to take any action. Much easier for him to stay put.
Ask yourself what you want to happen now. Do you love him? Is he kind? Fun to be with?
I can understand that you want your family to stay together but you can't do that by yourself. Tell him what you want and then ask him straight if he wants to break up the family. Also ask him what he intends to do to either save things or move forward separately.
"I don't know" is not an acceptable answer, by the way!

i know it’s over I’m just really struggling to accept it. Things haven’t been great for a while but I thought that we just needed to make time for each other and start doing a few more things as a couple instead of a family. He works long hours and all child care is down to me, I never had a break and that got me down which meant I was too tired to be bothered much about going out. I’m going to have to move out because I can’t afford the house on my own but I’ve no idea how to cope in the interim

Don’t do anything before getting legal advice. Gather all financial information, get copies of all documentation and take to a solicitor.

It will be a struggle to accept it, but it will make it harder if you remain in a middle ground, still doing some things like a couple, and with him dictating what's 'on' and what's 'off' the menu.

Set up your own space. Have you got any room in your house? You need a space to be on your own when you need to, and you need to say no to him when he tries to do anything coupley. It won't benefit your kids to try to keep the relationship going; they'll just learn that adult relationships can have a kind of 'half-arsed', tense, unclear emotional feel to them.

Boundaries are what you need to focus on, now.

So sorry. You must be hurting horribly. It won't last forever.

You don't say if you are married but you do use DP so I can assume not. Firstly you need to look into financial things. Is the house co-owned or joint tenants? If you are both on the deeds then you both need to sell or he needs to buy you out. If you are not on the deeds then you need to think if you can prove a significant financial contribution to the house so you can ask for a proportion of the equity. If it isn't clear cut get legal advice. DO NOT listen to anything your exP says about what you are or are not entitled to. He is now on the opposite side to you and you need to remember that.

Work out what you intend to do about living arrangements going forward and start taking actions. E.g. looking for a place to rent or saving a deposit or whatever you need to do. Try to get a short term solution sorted quickly as living together won't be fun. Separate bedrooms is a must. Look into what benefits you might be entitled to. You can make a Universal Credit claim now without moving out as you are now single.

Stop having sex with him. Stop sleeping in the same bed as him. Set up a camp bed in the kids room or the living room if needed. It will be far easier for both of you to accept your separated status if you don't share intimacy. No peeing with the door open or sharing toothbrushes. No cosy chats about your day. No cooking dinner together. He is now the opposition, treat him as such.

Stop doing his chores and stop expecting him to do yours. You are now separated, treat the situation as such. Make arrangements for what nights he'll sort the kids and what nights you will and go out if you can. Get SPACE from him. Make it clear that you are now two separate entities. It will help you with the no sex thing. He isn't your DP he is your ex - you pump your own tires he washes his own boxers.

Tell people. All the people. So much easier to remember he is your ex once the world knows. Kick him off your SM, change your status to single, download dating apps... whatever you need to do to remind your brain it is a single woman's brain.