Hello everyone. I really need your help in form of an advice or your point of view. This thing is indeed life-important to me because marriage is a decision for whole life, I know there exists divorce, but in my inner world marriage shall be only once. And I dont wanna do a bad decision.
The thing is I've been with a guy for almost 4 years. I think he is a great person by many of his traits. He listens to me, I can be who I truly am in front of him, I can share with him my fears, troubles, health issues, we can talk actually any theme in the world (not just about me or him, but globally). We are pretty open to each other and can verbalize feelings well. In intimate area is everything very good so both I think. He is polite to people, kind to animals, we have common opinions on life, values, even politics.. and he tells me everyday he loves me, especially last months.
I love him too. Racionally I know this is probably the best possible partner I can in reality meet in my life to have family with. I think he would be a good caring father.
But... there's a but.
Even though I rationally know he is a good guy to be with, there's an emotional problem in me. The problem of trust and also with certainty of depth of love. I'll start with that love thing and trust will be mentioned later.
Few years before him I knew one other guy X, it is like 7 years now already and I know and still can very vividly remember the strength of feeling that I experienced that time. Many people say that a huge love isn't real or that it's only a phase but I definitely know what I felt for a long time and when I recall the memories I can feel the same intense warmth of the feeling as if I was there and then again.
But don't think the first guy X is the issue in our current relationship. I swear I do not even think about him. since we are together with my actual BF I remembered him sincerely like maybe 5-6 times for whole 4 years and I'm just not thinking about him since it's a useless past. If you wonder why we didnt end up together, the first thing is we couldn't even if we wanted because later I found he had a GF. But it wasn't like he wanted to cheat her with me, he didn't say or do anything explicit, but we were in contact for some time and he was trying to be near me and get my attention, but didnt want to be a normal friend... I dont know to this day why he done that, maybe was just bored and or wanted to increase his ego? and I know it's frikin crazy I got such intense feelings that time although it was only platonic. I was in high school, so maybe the hormones did that crazy stuff in my head, who knows.. but I just remember what I felt and it was pretty real in me and now I sometimes still somehow compare the feeling (not the person, but the feeling) with current depth of feeling.
Thereof I just wanna say that when it comes to our marriage with this actual man Y, I just cant help myself but I have this strong anxious feelings inside that I somehow know I dont feel the same intense love, almost like transcendent kind of infatuation, to him than in comparison what I have experienced years ago. I'm sad and totally confused about it in my head and also feel so much guilty that I dont feel the same strong way for this man who deserves it 1000x more than the previous guy, but simultaneously I know I couldn't force myself into it because you just cant order yourself feelings.
But I want to make clear I love this guy too. I feel very comfortably next to him. When I'm lying on his chest, I feel truly happy. I guess I also felt such strong feelings with him too, but just more like in specific moments or events. It is not as permanent deep daily experience in me as it was then as I remember.
And he (actual guy Y) asked me for a marriage and I'm like crying because I'm very happy at one hand ,but also unsure on the other hand because there is still some little devil inside my had provoking me with this thoughts like Will I be ever as happy as then with this man? Will I ever feel that strong kind of love? Will I be with him when he can be with someone, with whom he could potentially mutually feel stronger way, also stronger from his side than now with me?
I can't imagine a scenario in which we would split up with my current partner. I really love him and for 95% I think he's sincere when he says me too he loves me. But I also don't want to act as a calculative btch who just marries someone because she rationally counts 1+1= this guy is good for me, but will never as much love for him as she could. And I'm as well not sure if I am my partner's biggest love he can experience in this life. I'll explain.
Current guy Y also had a similar high school love, also platonic, they also werent officially together, but when he was telling me about it, I saw in his eyes, in his expresions and so, that he really had very very deep feels for her. He actually once also admitted it by himself she was for him THAT girl during those high school times. And when we met, I really didnt have this impression from him like he is impressed by me or fascinated or impatient to see me or wants me very much. I dont even think he considered me to be at least 7/10 in his head..more like an ordinary average.
When we met with actual guy Y randomly for 3rd time, he asked me out and during that first walk he asked me to be his GF. I was like 'I dont say No, but I cant since I dont know you yet'. And then I was thinking about it, feeling sorry inside since he muted for a while. I approached him and we had another walk outside and I told him like Okay, we can freely try it, what can be wrong? But on that walk he suddenly said he doesnt want to boyfriend anymore, he wants to be friends. I was suprised and felt pretty rejected. It especially hurts when woman is rejected by a man because it should be otherwise, a man asks woman first and bravely risks denial.
Like, would a man, who really wants some, in his eyes, beuatiful woman, say No to her when she finally says Yes?! And this made me feel like I'm not that much attractive for him, or generally that his desire for me is not that high as I hoped. He was behaving pretty strange at the beginning of our relationship since I remember, one day he wanted be BF, next two days No, next two days he literally pleaded me to be with him and then again wasnt sure. And he wasnt making fun, like he meant it serious, this schizophrenic behaviour.
I was maybe stupid that I approved to try it with him after all this, but I somehow saw this good guy, which I now know he really is, somewhere deep in him. Like I felt a potential in him for a normal relationship. I think he changed since then in many things but this is one reason I have a worryingly damaged trust in his desire being oriented solely for me, together with below reasons.
The second reason is, and I was told it just much much later by him, that after he first time asked me to be his girlfriend and I said 'No for now', he traveled like 3 weeks later to a pretty distant town just to talk with his ,lets call it, 'exGF' (she is not that girl from high school that he was in love with, this is another relationship he led mostly online but they met for few times, this girl he admired mostly by her visuals). She was there already with her new BF. My actual guy Y went there to meet her about her cancellation of their relationship (which she sent via phone lol), it was a pretty useless travel and he didnt tell me this for very long, just after we were like a year together. If I knew this instantly that time at the beginning, I would never start meeting him again.
And there were other minor situations when I had impaired trust in him like if I am enough pretty or attractive for him physically, I have examples of fb messages and so on, but it's too long already now.
I hate myself for even writing this thing, but desperately need some objective opinions from outside our relationship. Should I marry him or nah and why? Do I have head in clouds about deep expectations from within or are the concerns I feel real? Please tell me, I need to hear!
Thanks to everyone who managed to read until the end!