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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I leave

9 replies

twix23 · 21/02/2023 23:06

I think I need to leave my fiancé but I'm terrified of how I'll deal with being a single mum again.
I have my eldest (12) who I was single mum to since she was 3. My fiancé and I have been together for 5 years and we have a 2 year old together and I'm 5 months pregnant with our second (wasn't planned, he's still unhappy about it and because of this never talks about it, asks me how I'm feeling etc). I've always suffered with anxiety and depression and been on meds for it but I am a very emotional person. He hates this. He's never understood the severity of mental health or really cared to try understand.
Anyway this evening after a tough couple of months arguing lots, I feel it's the last straw. He got angry at me in the kitchen for something small (I was being too loud with the plates n then I still tried to help him when he took over) and he hit his fist in his hand, then tried to say it was out of frustration for the dishwasher (he was unloading). I started to get upset and he got annoyed at me for crying. I asked him why he never cares when I cry or when he makes me cry. He tells me 'Because all you do is cry. You're like a child. It's draining and I don't have any sympathy for you.' Then rolled his eyes when that of course made me cry even more. This man is supposed to love me yet makes me cry all the time and has a go at me for it. I can't live like this anymore, I feel guilty and stupid for crying all the time. I'm pregnant so I know my hormones and emotions are everywhere but I seriously think I need to get out of this.
I have no where to go - he owns the house we live in (he loves to remind me of this during arguments, saying I can be the one to leave) my parents moved away recently and none of my friends will have the space to put us up temporarily. Is emergency housing an option? Sounds awful but I don't want to end up in a horrendous place with my kids, I'd rather private rent but I don't have the money for a deposit nor the income to afford rent at the prices nowadays!!!!! Please just some advice x

OP posts:
Justmeandthedog1 · 21/02/2023 23:14

You could call Shelter for advice.
Local Council housing department.
I understand emergency housing is often hotel room ( Travelodge type place) or B&B.
Your partner would be responsible for contributing financially towards 2 children, there’s an online calculator if you Google it.
Could you move to your parents?

Justmeandthedog1 · 21/02/2023 23:16

Found it www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

Also look at what benefits you’d be entitled to ?

GrazingSheep · 21/02/2023 23:18

Have you family who can support you?

Original poster
twix23 · 21/02/2023 23:19

GrazingSheep · 21/02/2023 23:18

Have you family who can support you?

They no longer live near so I can't stay there as my eldest has school and I doubt my partner would be happy with me taking out toddler far away

OP posts:
Original poster
twix23 · 21/02/2023 23:19

Justmeandthedog1 · 21/02/2023 23:16

Found it www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

Also look at what benefits you’d be entitled to ?

Thank you x

OP posts:
BananaCocktails · 21/02/2023 23:22

oh my gosh poor you , this sounds like a very awful horrible situation and you and your children deserve so much better
please approach the council tomorrow morning and tell them your predicament. They will rehouse you in temporary accommodation and then give you a permanent place after a couple of years , or you could move in with your parents save up for a deposit and then private rent. Housing benefit. Will assist you with rent if you are working or they will pay it all if you are not working, please don’t worry you won’t be left alone so please don’t worry you won’t be left to fend for yourself and your kids

it won’t be an awful place, I think we read too many horror stories about social housing which just isn’t the case for most
you could also contact women’s aid re the domestic violence route and see what advice they can give , remember domestic violence is not just about physical Abuse. Domestic violence also consists of emotional and mental abuse which is exactly what he is doing. He is abusing you by saying those things to you and making you feel that way. It really does reduce you to feeling like you are nothing -my excuse to do this to me.
your child is probably very aware of the way he makes you feel this must be making him or her feel awful too. So please leave the situation - you don’t owe that man nothing he doesn’t even want the child and he is your fiancé? That is very odd and strange. Have you told your parents how you are feeling? Please do seek support from your friends and parents no matter how far away they live, they will be people that you can lean on emotionally.
if you feel safe speaking to him, so Jesse contact respect - men’s phone like you can give him advice about his behaviour
but I would leave this man is not a fiance he doesn’t love or care about you please get out of there
in the morning, go down to the council and explain your situation and that you need to speak to somebody and just leave .. you can’t bring a new baby into this kind of situation , there is no excuse for his behaviour, you only have one young child together, not four, so whatever his frustrations are not your concern
His behaviour my escalate to hitting you , so please pick up yourself and your kids and get out that relationship
things will only get worse once a baby arrives and is making noise and you trying to run after a two year-old and look after a new baby just won’t work
You don’t need the fear of him and tiptoeing around him in this situation. Go do this on your own,

Noonesperfect · 21/02/2023 23:25

You poor thing. This sounds like a horrible situation for you. What was he like when your last child was born? Do you think he is stressed about having another child and all the responsibility that entails.? (not that this justifies his awful behaviour). Would it be possible for you both to sit down and talk about how you both feel about the new baby (possibly with a counsellor).

Original poster
twix23 · 21/02/2023 23:32

Noonesperfect · 21/02/2023 23:25

You poor thing. This sounds like a horrible situation for you. What was he like when your last child was born? Do you think he is stressed about having another child and all the responsibility that entails.? (not that this justifies his awful behaviour). Would it be possible for you both to sit down and talk about how you both feel about the new baby (possibly with a counsellor).

Our first born was planned and although excited, he was rubbish during my pregnancy and used to watch me do all the housework breaking my back n call me a nag when I asked for help. Never been a supportive partner tbh, only financially which he thinks is most important I think. He checked out during the first few months of her life, didn't help with night feeds, sat on his phone with headphones on and ignored us all evening. I packed my bags n he instantly changed then, said he was struggling with the adjustment but me threatening to leave made him realise. But this new pregnancy has been really hard n we've just argued throughout, he's shouted at me he hates me and all sorts, then apologises and says he's just stressed and doesn't mean anything he says when we fight.

OP posts:
Noonesperfect · 22/02/2023 00:24

So sorry OP that's awful. I'm not surprised you want to leave. Don't let him destroy your confidence. You are the strong one here. He sounds like he just buries his head in the sand. Also he's the one behaving like a child and he dares to say that to you.

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