I am ready to end it, please help

[Tellmethewayhome]

I think my relationship is abusive, numerous things have started to click and I am ready to leave him. Posted a couple of weeks ago about daughters football training, and last year about a family holiday he didn't want to go on but didn't want us to go on.
He has had me on so many occasions questioning my own behaviour but I think he is just controlling.
Anyway my plan is to take the kids to my Mums and come back and tell him I am done, we are staying at my Mums for the night and the next day I will meet him to discuss how we go forward. I am going to suggest 50/50 and that I will live with my Mum and he can stay in family home.
I am so worried about his reaction that I am taking the kids to my Mums without telling him on Saturday I think he is going to be so pissed off. I do have a right to take them there without telling him don't I?
I am not sleeping with worry about what comes next!

Hey, just wanted to say this part might feel really overwhelming but now you have made your decision just focus on you. Just the next few hours not days, take your time and get into place what you would like to do moving forward. It seems like you already have a plan of action which is brilliant so don’t let him have any more say so in your thoughts and choices. Maybe have a friend close by when you choose to tell him it’s over, which btw doesn’t have to be face to face if you are worried about his reaction. Sending you hugs!

Do you think you’re in any physical danger from him OP?

Of course you have a right to take them there, and you’re doing the right thing so they’re not caught up in the conflict.

How do you imagine his reaction will be?

I think he will be mad, not entirely sure what reaction to be honest! We haven't spoken to each other for a week. I think he will be more mad that I have taken the kids away from him for the night.
I guess I am so used to going along with what he wants that I think I don't have the right to take the kids away for the night.

Is it worth giving Women's aid a call too? Just to access support and resources going forward if needed

Dp not meet him alone to discuss.
public place
With someone

He mighggt lash out / cry / beg etc
You need to stand firm and not put yourself at risk

Controlling men do not like their control being removed.
Be very careful as the most dangerous time is when an abusive man learns you’re leaving.
You don’t have to return to tell him. You can stay at your mum’s and text, message or call him.
If you do go to meet him take someone with you.
It might help to speak to Women’s Aid beforehand.
Some men tell, throw a few things, rant, some get violent. Mine said he’d kill me. Don’t take any risks.
Stay strong and determined though as your life will get so much better.

Have this conversation with him over the phone or have someone come over with you?

"He has had me on so many occasions questioning my own behaviour but I think he is just controlling"

When you are questioning your behaviour then it's time to go. Stay strong soo, be safe and follow the above advice

You need someone with you just to be on the safe side

Best of luck

You may want to consider having important conversations via text or email. It removes the emotion and provides a record to refer back to if needed. Personally, I'm terrible at conflict so I appreciate being about to put my thoughts in a logical order as I tend to get tounge-tied / muddled in-person and roll over.

Agree. Well done OP, you're doing the right thing. Definitely text or email, don't go back. Contact Women's Aid. Take key documents with you (passports, birth certificates, bank details etc) for you and the kids. Photograph any of his financial stuff you can find for the divorce. Let your bank know. Many now have specialist domestic violence workers.

Good luck. Things will get better

Email him with your decision

Paper trail and safer

When you go to collect your things, make sure you take someone with you. And aim to collect your things when he's out

Thanks all. I think I might do it in public meet in a cafe or pub this way I can get up and leave when I need to.
I am so worried about the kids, he won't like it at all that I have taken them away from him and to my Mums. I do fear that when he next sees them he will retaliate and stay over night somewhere without telling me.
How do I agree who sees them when if he doesn't co operate?
I feel like I have no right to take them away from him but I'm not sure if that's just years of worrying about everything I do.