fed up of never knowing which version of my husband I will get.

[weightstrugglinmum]

Some days he's generally nice and chatty, other days I'm on egg shells and just avoid him. I wake up every morning and wonder what mood he'll be in.

Some days he can be thoughtful and great with the kids, other days he speaks to me/the kids with such rudeness and contempt, and he can be incredibly selfish. I'm finding myself crying more and my oldest son (5), is noticing now, and gets upset too. I'm sure so much of my weight gain is because of how anxious he makes me at times.

There is so much resentment on both sides, and we just don't communicate, never have really. It is pretty much a loveless marriage. He has alot of work stress through a family business, and myself and the kids (at times), get the brunt of that. I think he has a life now he predominantly doesn't want.

Sometimes I wish he would have an affair, but I don't think he would. I just don't want to live with such negativity so much of the time, it's so smothering, and lifes too short, and I just distance myself from him when he's in a bad mood. He says his mum tries to suck the enjoyment out of life for everyone but that's exactly what it can be like living with him too, and I don't want the kids growing up having their childhood tainted by his negativity, or being subjected to his ambivalent parenting.

When things are really bad, I imagine how I'd cope financially and practically as a single parent. No idea how I could make that work though.

Just wondering if anyone has experienced anything similar and if so, what you did? Or any other words of wisdom please?' I feel very alone in this marriage.

Yes, it was in an abusive marriage. I ended it after a long time and I've been really happy for years! Give yourself a life and get out.

You are definitely not alone. It was exactly the same with my ExH .. slowly slowly, day by day he would crush the life out of me; me walking on eggshells wondering what tribal nothing would tip him into a kick off

I stayed way too long to keep my family together & stressing about how I'd manage

I divorced him 5yrs ago and wish I had done it years ago.

He is a true narcissist.

Don't doubt your ability to thrive on your own

I've been thinking about how I've changed as a result of this relationship, and it just feels like the enjoyment of life woyld be completely sucked out of me because of him, if I let it. I work so hard at being positive about life for my kids.

He moans about the smallest, most trivial things, and it just goes downhill.

There would be so much upheaval, but that doesn't mean its a reason to stay in the relationship. My confidence is so low, it feels like a huge mountain to climb.

Make a plan and set yourself a goal

Every new year I'd go to bed early, have a good cry and promise myself not another year like the last one.

Speaking to a solicitor helped me make sense of the situation. A year to organize myself and get the divorce organized and resolved seems like no time at all in comparison to all the years I lost myself to his bullying

You are stronger than you think - reach out to friends for support

So sorry to read what you have been going through. It sounds a lot like having to 'tiptoe around him' to avoid provoking him. He has trained you to be like this.

It's not an equal partnership.

You might find Lundy Bancroft's descriptions useful. All the best

https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Thank you.

Do you mind sharing roughly what your plan was? It feels quite overwhelming and just some pointers where to start would be really appreciated.

Leave, it's no way to live. Five years free for me, I'm not saying it's always easy, but it is definitely better.

My DH is like this. It’s so hard...
He’s in a good phase right now, but I know it won’t last. He knew I close to leaving at the end of last year. He’s a bit older than me, and I don’t have a dream of us “growing old together”. I’m looking forward to some peace, when he’s gone... I know just how awful that sounds!

I experienced similar.

Now divorced.

We were all traumatised by the time the end came. Walking on eggshells had become normal as rhe years had gone by.

My advice is to put an end to this marriage sooner rather than later. Above all, don't 'stay for the chikdren'. They will not thank you.

It doesn't sound awful at all. I keep trying to encourage my husband to go away for a few days so he can have a break,but really its a break from him, for me and the kids. I don't see us together in old age either.

Thats the thing. I don't want them to have to learn to walk on egg shells around him.

Yes it was awful. Since we split I've never been happier and lost all the weight, gained my confidence back and the house and dc feels much calmer now. I realised I couldn't continue to live with the eggshell walking and the drip drip of my entire personality being eroded. My first step was to check entitledto after the advice of a friend who'd left an abusive relationship the year prior, then I worked out all the finances before approaching him about separating. It wasn't out of the blue, we'd had couples counselling previously so he was well aware of my unhappiness. He just didn't care enough to get therapy or sort out his moods/anxiety/depression. He has got help now but it was too little too late. Good luck OP.

This is no way to live. Very similar to my exh.
Change the narrative and just have the divorced version of him

I left when dc was 1, very similar reasons coupled with PND.

Start getting finances in order and look to separate. You're unhappy and this will impact your dc so heavily if you stay. Hardest part is having that first conversation. I was shaking inside when I told exh. I'd become so accustomed to being fearful of his moodswings I pretty much shit myself just telling him I wanted to separate. But I kept my dc in mind. I couldn't ever let them think this was normal.

You'll get through this. 1 step at a time.

Thank you everyone. Each of you has said something that really resonates, and I've been awake early this morning with my mind busy with planning.