Need some advice to resolve this please

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Apologies for the long post. NC for this too

DP and I have had a fall out this evening.

Bit of background. DPs father, who lives 100 miles away has suffered from poor health for a number of years and may have months to live. DP is incredibly close with his mum and he feels guilty that she does the majority of care. He is often stressed regarding how down his mum sounds.

Tonight, the dog had an appointment at the vets. I am the one who makes the dogs appointments and often I am the one who takes him. This time, when I booked the appointment 2 weeks ago I asked DP if he could take him for a change. He agreed. It got to 15 mins before the appointment and DP was having a nap so I grudgingly took the dog myself.

When I got home he was having a phone call with his mum which didn’t sound like a jovial call. After the phone call I asked what was wrong and he said he is feeling stressed with the situation. I asked if that is the reason why he forgot the vet appointment and he didn’t seem happy with me. I said I felt disappointed he had missed it but I appreciate he has a lot on his mind so was only wondering if that’s why I forgot.

He then started accusing me of not caring about the situation with his dad. (Weeks prior I asked what I could do to support him better and he said nothing, me just being here was enough). Well tonight he’s turned that on me and said I’m an ‘arsehole’ for telling him I’m disappointed and I should have KNOWN the reason he missed the appointment was because of the situation with his dad.

In his heat up state he’s told me he never wants to speak about the situation with his dad because only those who have experienced a parent going through this would understand. He finished the conversation by telling me I’m up myself.

I DO want to support my partner but equally I don’t want to be walking on eggshells.

Any advice would be much appreciated

What do you think looking back on this OP?

What was the reason you mentioned the vet when he was telling you about an upsetting call?

Did you show any empathy like a hug etc before you mentioned the missed vet appointment?

Maybe going forward if he is supposed to be doing something like this again, send a reminder or get him to put it in his phone just while he has this worry on his mind?

You need to apologise to him! Of course it was not a jovial call when his father is dying and his mother is upset. I cannot believe you are pestering him about a sodding vets appointment and saying you are disappointed. I couldn’t even look at my husband if he did that to me. You have seriously lost your empathy chip.

Do you understand the power of passive aggressive why questions when another person is stressed and worried? You backed him into a corner at a difficult time and he deserves an apology.

Has he actually told you he feels guilty because his mum does the majority of the care? Or is that how his mum is making him feel?

The best advise I can offer is to resolve this how you usually resolve matters. In my relationship we are honest, blunt, thrash stuff out, occasionally say something below the belt usually in the heat of the moment.

I mean you left him to nap and took the dog to the vet. Can you explain that your lives are still going on and isn't it better to live a normal-ish life if you can't be actually with family.

Can you suggest he goes to his mum for the next couple of weekends, see if there are any care packages (that the family most likely wil need to pay for), or get a cleaner for his mum for a few months or even see if his dad could travel for a break whilst he still can.

Basically if my partner was going to be a moody moose around the house but not actually do anything about the situation I would then feel the right to be pissed off. Staying at home and making it all your fault is out of order. But how you get him to realise that is how you do usually.

Yes you might have fucked up mentioning he forget he agreed to this vet appointment but you did take the dog and leave him to sleep so expressing a bit of frustration isn't that bad in the grand scheme of things and if he now wants you to walk on eggshells and never talk about it again then he is being the arsehole. And that I would tell him. I would also tell him that you refuse to be the bad guy, that you are not going to walk on eggshells you are not going to be his emotional punchbag. And if he starts you will leave him be. (Go bedroom if he is in lounge etc).

Oh come on. His dad is dying by the sounds of it and you bring up a vet trip? Unless it was to have the dog pts you’re being totally unreasonable.
When he said you’ll help by being there that’s what he meant, there to pick up the slack while he’s supporting his mum and coping with his own emotions.
Pull your finger out and start being supportive.

Thanks all, understood! Glad I posted to get some perspective.

To go back, prior to asking about the vet I did ask if he wanted to talk about the phone call. In hindsight, I realise now I shouldn’t have asked there and then.

He unfortunately is very forgetful when it comes to the dog or our plans but on the other hand he can remember arrangements with friends, remember when to book tickets for sporting events etc. I have previously suggested that he puts reminders in his phone which is something that helps me massively.

I think what I need some advice on his how to support him going forward? His dad could very well live for years yet, he has peaks and troughs with his illness. I did ask DP tonight post argument how I can support him better and he said he didn’t know. If he doesn’t know, how will I know how to support him?

I know I can be a bit more understanding re missed appointments so will definitely work on that.

I do believe I am supportive. Unfortunately not tonight which I am cross with myself for.

His dad has been unwell for 20+ years, DP and I together for 5. Sometimes his dad is hunky dory but I suppose I should pick up the slack until he is able to do so whenever that may be