Should I cut my mother out of my life?

[Onlydreams789]

Warning.. this will be a long post so please bare with me!
I have always had a strained relationship with my mother. I didn’t have much stability growing up, my mother suffers from depression & anxiety so she was mentally/physically abusive towards me since I can remember. Married 3 times, she never really gave me a home hence why I ended up having to fend for myself from the age of 17.
Fast forward 10 years, I am now a proud home owner, I have an amazing and supportive partner by my side, great job in London and a beautiful DD who’s now 7 months old. I never asked my mum for anything, especially since moving out I have always had my own money, worked hours on end to ensure I didn’t have to rely on anybody (she did help me pay for my room when I first moved out, it wasn’t her money tho it was benefits), I worked my arse off at uni to get to where I am today. A couple of years ago I decided to start therapy as I felt I was struggling with my emotions - this was the best decision to this day as it made me realise how much harm my my mum has caused over the years and even my own therapist advised it’d be best to get rid of her for good.
I am not the kind of person who’s able to cut people out of their lives and forget about them but this past year I am under so much stress caused by my mother.
Now, to cut to the chase, she has made zero effort since my DD was born. In fact, in almost 8 months she’s seen her 3 times. She always comes up with an excuse as to why she can’t come and help us (she lives a 2.5h drive) and she only ever calls on FaceTime once every 2 weeks to see her.
I have also been lending her money every single month since being on maternity leave, her and her husband always seem to run out of money by week 3 of the month (he earns 90k a year!!!) and are always turning to me for help. They do give it back, but that’s not the point. I am always expected to bail them out when shit gets tough but nobody is ever here to support me. She never even offered to help with a newborn, she openly admitted that small kids “piss her off” and she has no patience.
Now, I have stupidly lent her £50 (it was my last bit of SMP) last Friday and she asked me for more a few days later. As you can imagine, I told her to fuck right off which caused a huge argument between us. She called me every name under the sun, told me that I am a piece of shit just like my dad, that I am a heartless materialistic bitch - she rubbed so many things in my face including paying for my room when I was 17 and also paying for 4 months worth of train tickets when I was at uni so I could get to lectures, making it out that she did so much for me and that I am an ungrateful scumbag who refuses to help her. She told me she is now planning to buy a 70k flat for my brother (with his dad’s inheritance) as she wants to give him an amazing start in life, also pointed out that he is far more intelligent than me hence the need to invest in him.
Please tell me I am not being unreasonable for wanting out, I am officially burnt out and done with being treated like a dog.
If anyone has any experience with toxic parents, pleaseeee give me some advice on how to handle it!

You don't necessarily need to go no contact. But you need to set boundaries.

No more giving money ever

Under no circumstances, ever, would my mum call me a heartless materialistic bitch or a scumbag. Absolutely unforgivable and reflects her true lack of humanity right there. Don't lend her another penny and cut her out of your life, you've done so well to get this far.

You are certainly not being unreasonable. Your mother sounds like an absolute bitch. You shouldn’t be lending her money. I am NC with my mother currently for much less than this.
However your therapist should not be telling you that in their opinion you should go NC. That’s not what a good therapist does. It’s up to you. Your mother is highly unlikely to change and she doesn’t sound like she cares about you or your children very sadly.

She is fucking toxic. Get her out of your life before she undermines your relationship with your baby and the progress you have made in therapy. She should not be part of your lovely bright future!

Your situation sounds very similar to mine when I was in my 20's. The best thing my mum did was die when I was 27. I tried to go no contact with her from being 17 but every so often she'd track me down and appear in my life in the most traumatic way.

After she died my life stabilised so much. It felt like I could breathe again.

Get rid.

I went NC with my mother 15 years ago.

It's been fucking blissful. You CAN do it and you'll never regret it.

NC sounds like the best idea you will probably ever have.
This is why we pick friends because we can't pick our family.
She brings nothing positive to your life so why keep her in it.
Good luck op, you have done amazingly and you have yourself to thank for that! X

You have the responsibility to protect your baby girl from abusive people.
Do it now while she's still a baby.
And you know it's time protect yourself.

I presume you’ve only been acting as her banker here due to your own feelings of fear, obligation and guilt. Ask yourself too why you have been doing this, is your therapist also aware you’ve been lending your mother money?.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles, what are and have been yours here?. You appear to be her scapegoat and the comments re your dad are also uncalled for. You probably remind her of him, a man she has always hated.

I would also think she has never approached your far more favoured golden child of a brother for money.

You would not tolerate this from a friend and your mother is no different.

Continue to free yourself from her tyranny by walking away from her completely. You do not have to announce anything to her, just make yourself far less available by lowering all contact levels further. At the very least you need to set boundaries of not lending her any more cash informing her that the bank of you is closed permanently.

do read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

It's been a year and a half no contact with my malignant mother. 38 years of my life and I finally have peace. Best decision you will make. She sounds like a nasty, nasty woman.

Is her husband not giving her any money? Seems odd. Don’t give her anymore, it’s not fair of her to ask. I know how hard it is to reduce contact with a horrible mother, but honestly, step back from her, she is using you.

You are not being unreasonable for staying away from her.

Protect your peace.

That is truly awful. She is a toxic nightmare.
Walk away, block her. If she says these things to you what could she say to your child? I still sting at things my mother said to me as a small child, it’s had a lasting effect.
You’ve put so much effort into your life, don’t let her spoil it — she and her husband will survive, you don’t need them in your life.

I agree the therapist should not be telling you what to do.
Once thing I have learnt - I am low contact with my DM - I mean low. Like once every 4 years, but the one thing I have learnt is that expectations of others are often misdirected, they will always let you down If you expect anything from people, particularly damaged parents who literally do not know how to support or love unconditionally.

What I would say is that it is your call, & whatever you do has to be something you are happy with & can live with.
Though things are unlikely to change if you allow it to continue without doing anything.

Great advice.

Drop the rope.

Stop answering the phone, replying and block if necessary.

She is a terrible person and a dreadful mother.

Keep her malignant presence away from your precious child.