I feel so stuck. This is gonna be a long one so grab a drink and bear with me...
I'm 37f, with
2 boys 5 and 2, 'fiance' 35m. Been together 9 years.
When my youngest was almost a 12 months old I found out fiance met up with a woman he was talking to online on a 'casual sex' app. He'd gone to the lengths of lying to me about going out for work booked a day off and fucked off with this woman for the day in a hotel, I found out they'd been talking on and off for 6 months (so since my baby was 6 months). He justified his actions because he felt he wasn't getting affection from me, amongst other issues (his dad was ill at the time but he's dead now) (bear in mind I had a 2nd c section and was still pretty sore and I was trying to build a website in the night time when baby didn't want to sleep so I could make a business for myself-this project is no more anyway). This is despite me saying how I struggle to give my all to everyone, running off minimal sleep and struggling with PPD. Yet he still wanted to have his needs met. He quickly realised the grass wasn't in fact greener. He's taken accountability and plays the victim of 'ive got this burden attached to my name now' well duh?!
Needless to say it destroyed me. I ended up going for mental health help,.on medication suicide support and family support help with the kids as eldest is on the spectrum. He ended up having counselling and being gleefully told that he's not a narcissist and he self sabotaged the relationship and how it wasn't actually anything to do with me (he told me he didn't even think about me when it was happening and I don't know what's worse, being thought of and doing it anyway or not being thought of at all)
Now's baby is 2 1/2 yrs old now. So it's been a year and half where we have still lived together and he is determined not to ruin everything over 1 mistake. However I'm still so hurt, to the point he's changed me as a person. He's destroyed me dreams of wanting to be married. I'm bitter , resentful and angry all the time. He wants it to work because 'relationships need to be worked on' as he put it.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I have no one else. My mum lives hours away and we moved from London to the coast for better house prices and built up all family and home and jobs and he's just destroyed it in moments? He even said himself that it wasn't worth it. She was older than me too which was a kick in the teeth! I don't have any friends (hard to make them before kids let alone now I fully suspect I'm on the spectrum too) so I have no one to talk to.
I keep saying that we'll break up and he's like 'you're not gonna do that' and basically putting it on me for splitting the family up. Fyi we have a mortgage and I'm not in work and he wouldn't be able to buy me out. And vice versa So now I feel so stuck. I feel I'm stuck in a relationship where I've told him I don't love him the way I used to because when he did cheat I literally fell to the floor and my heart shattered with it and cried for days I couldn't even look at him or be in the same room as him but I had to put on a front for the kids. I feel like the villain now though. Yes it would benefit the family to not split up and yea it would be easy to stay a sahm and stay at home and put up with it to minimise disruption and not have to worry about being the sole provider but I feel so hurt still. He's says I'd be cutting my nose to spite my face but I feel like I can't win either way. If I leave him and sell the house etc it's not going to happen overnight and could be months. If I stay I feel like I'm going to in this relationship like it is forever and I'm never going to feel anything again.
He thinks we can work it out and that I should forgive him. Initially I did forgive him and he was putting the work in to try so I gave him a chance to fix it. But as the last 18.months have gone on all I can see are things that irritate me.
Last night for example we was talking about women, periods, threat of SA on nights out etc and he makes me feel so belittled. He thinks there is a feminist man hating agenda and that I look at too much shit of Facebook and tiktok and that I'm naive cos they've riled me and I've taken the bait so to speak. It's these moments that infuriate me with him. I used to like that he'd be passionate and debate things but I feel like he's very much stuck to his views and doesn't help when we have an argument cos feminism and toxicity always gets thrown in the mix,.dare I speak my mind.
My point is I suppose is things that were endearing are now intolerable. He even had the cheek to complain that I didn't get him a valentine's card in which I replied 'youre lucky you're still living here) and then put it on me that if I want it to work I need to make more effort. It's a shame he didn't appreciate my efforts up til that point he cheated and ruined it all. I told him I don't love him in the same way anymore and I probably never will
because he betrayed me and
broke my heart. I told him he's changed me as a person I used to be very sentimental and make a real effort at anniversaries, birthdays etc but now I don't want to anymore. He didn't appreciate it then so why bother anymore. He wants date nights however with our son on the spectrum he doesn't take to new people (like a babysitter for example) well and a toddler that runs off 5 hrs sleep any date night would have to start at 9pm and quite frankly I'm knackered by that point, date nights are non existent. Once I've done what I gotta do at home last thing I want to do is get ready to go out. I get very overwhelmed at the best of times and now even more so. I felt like we were a team but not anymore, he may have come back to the table but my feelings have been destroyed.
He looked me in the eyes and told me there was no one else and the next day I found out there was so how can I even look at him the same way ever again? I want to believe him and see he's making an effort but my hurt just keeps building that wall back up with a big nope painted on the front. I feel like a fool for believing the love we had in the first place.
What to do now though? I feel if I stay then I'm never gonna shift this resentment and bitterness and anger or leave and struggle for the rest of my days as a single mum with 2 kids? I struggle hard enough ATM I have anxiety disorder which has been exacerbated by all this. I told him he's put my mental health back ten years and made my little bit of self esteem that I had disappear. I feel empty most days and quite honestly I don't think I can see much of my life out like this. I feel so stuck and whatever decision I make someone is gonna suffer and I don't want the kids to but inadvertently they will. He says I need to not put the walls up and let me be loved effectively but he's the one that handed me the bricks...
Can someone tell me is it worth trying for? Can it work? and
will it get better or am I just wasting more time? I thought he was going to be my husband forever and I never thought he'd do it to me but just goes to show how well you think you know someone.
Thank you for reading and any Advice appreciated.please don't post this online to Facebook as he might see it.