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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

i feel really silly

46 replies

Flute56 · 21/02/2023 00:16

I was attending physio for a while I started to fancy my physiotherapist because he was frienddly. I do not realy need to attnd physio anymoree and thought I would send the physio a thank you card for his help in maing me feel better. I was hoping for some sort of response to the carddd and thought that would makee him see me in a different light. I think maybee it was not the right thing to do.

Would be greatful for any advice

OP posts:
80s · 22/02/2023 09:24

@Watchkeys I agree, but I do think it makes it less likely that he'd respond, if he was a bit tempted.

80s · 22/02/2023 09:24

That is, the fear of OP potentially turning around at some point and saying that he'd misused his position would put him off.

BreviloquentBastard · 22/02/2023 09:34

Unless you put a picture of your boobs in the card you're fine.

Although I'm not sure he's going to pick up on your very subtle hint of a thank you card. Medical and clinical professionals receive thank you cards and little gifts all the time from patients and clients, it's not unusual. Men are notoriously bad at picking up hints too so I imagine he's not likely to open your card and think "wow she must want to date me" unless you put something to that effect in the card.

Flute56 · 22/02/2023 19:41

15feb · 22/02/2023 03:14

Was the card flirty or just a normal thank you card OP? If the latter, yes, it would be considered an abuse of position and sexual harassment for him to start chatting you up! Don't feel silly though, crushes turn us all into hopeful teenagers at the best of times. Very few people on this planet are immune to that!

It was not flirty. It was just a normal thank you The only other time I have sent a thank you card was to a dentist becausee I had a previous dentist who faile to see an issue with one of my teet an the issue got worse so I changed dentists after the previous dentist refused to admit there was anything wrong with the tooth and left me in absolute agony. When I foun the new one, she was surprised the dentist left me in such a state and so she sorted me out and got me out of pain. I wa so grateful I sent her a thankk you card

OP posts:
Flute56 · 22/02/2023 19:54

EarringsandLipstick · 22/02/2023 05:29

This is fine - but generally approaching someone like your physio isn't a great way to go.

What did you put in the card?

I think you need to let this go now; I'd be surprised if anything came from it, honestly.

All I put in the cardd was than you for sorrrting out my issue an the exercises have ben a great help and I feel much better

OP posts:
Kerfuffler · 22/02/2023 20:01

That sounds absolutely fine as a message and he's probably got the card and been pleased he could help you.

Don't expect an acknowledgement, just move onwards.

seylen · 22/02/2023 20:05

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Palm7rees · 22/02/2023 20:09

Yes generally you don’t send/reply to a Thank You card with another Thank You! It would never end.

YorkshireRose777 · 22/02/2023 22:01

Do you know if he is married/has a partner, OP? I haven't seen any previous mention of it?

As usual on this site, there are many grabby MNetters encouraging you and that is fine if you know he is single, there wouldn't be any harm in you sending a text asking him if he'd like to go out for a drink sometime, perhaps?

Quite a few on here would make up a complaint and go back in super tight spandex, quite possibly jodhpurs, to entice him whether he - or they - were married/in a relationship or not so they aren't the best source of advice.

If you know he is single, then get in touch and ask him out on a personal level, away from the relationship you have as physio/client. No harm in that :)

Flute56 · 22/02/2023 23:10

YorkshireRose777 · 22/02/2023 22:01

Do you know if he is married/has a partner, OP? I haven't seen any previous mention of it?

As usual on this site, there are many grabby MNetters encouraging you and that is fine if you know he is single, there wouldn't be any harm in you sending a text asking him if he'd like to go out for a drink sometime, perhaps?

Quite a few on here would make up a complaint and go back in super tight spandex, quite possibly jodhpurs, to entice him whether he - or they - were married/in a relationship or not so they aren't the best source of advice.

If you know he is single, then get in touch and ask him out on a personal level, away from the relationship you have as physio/client. No harm in that :)

😂This really made me laugh which is what I need. I can just imagine some women dressing up in tight clothing to lure a man. Havingg said that I woul take a dim view of any medic who was tempted by that; If such a woman were to do that she would be seen as a floosy and quite possibly if things didd go further and all she got was a one off date then she could hold it against him by complaining an then he could be struck off. Anyway I have no idea if he is married, single or with a partner. Some people are very private about their personal life and he could even be gay.

What brought all this on was when I did not have a session for about two months and then genuinely needed a session, so I booked an aointment and when I turned up he said to me he oh you have not been for a while and I said no and then he replied well it is really good to see you again.

OP posts:
JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 22/02/2023 23:19

Step away from this one OP. You nothing about him. You don't even know if he's single.

Of course he said he's pleased to see you - he wants your money!

B1rd · 22/02/2023 23:32

We have a strict code with how we have to maintain professional boundaries with our patients. The card will be gratefully accepted and will raise a smile, but please do not build your hopes up that a romance will come of this.

YorkshireRose777 · 23/02/2023 00:06

Flute56 · 22/02/2023 23:10

😂This really made me laugh which is what I need. I can just imagine some women dressing up in tight clothing to lure a man. Havingg said that I woul take a dim view of any medic who was tempted by that; If such a woman were to do that she would be seen as a floosy and quite possibly if things didd go further and all she got was a one off date then she could hold it against him by complaining an then he could be struck off. Anyway I have no idea if he is married, single or with a partner. Some people are very private about their personal life and he could even be gay.

What brought all this on was when I did not have a session for about two months and then genuinely needed a session, so I booked an aointment and when I turned up he said to me he oh you have not been for a while and I said no and then he replied well it is really good to see you again.

Well, you know, the next time you have a twinge - wherever it may be - you might have to go back again and you can find a way to subtly enquire if he is married/in a relationship/gay and that could be your objective, to find out via asking the right questions. Spandex/jodhpurs optional.

There are plenty of hussies on this site who will be trying to work out your location, who the physio is and flexing the waistbands of their enormous hot pink thongs while their husbands do the dishes downstairs as we speak so don't leave it too long or they'll move in like the pack of thirsty hyenas they are.

Flute56 · 23/02/2023 13:12

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 22/02/2023 23:19

Step away from this one OP. You nothing about him. You don't even know if he's single.

Of course he said he's pleased to see you - he wants your money!

yes to say lovely to see you just to get money from me is horrible. Having said that he is quite willing to chat advise me on the phone on any isue and that is a free service. I dont know anything about him. He could have depression or bi polar for all I know and peeople with deression. or bi polar with the right medication lead very goo lives and function normally. He coul also be a total control freak which I do not want to have to deal with.

I best out of it to be honest

OP posts:
Kerfuffler · 23/02/2023 13:13

Yeah.

Hottoffeesauce · 23/02/2023 13:41

I remember years ago, going to an appointment at my GP's. At the end of the consultation and as I was leaving, he said, 'Lovely to see you and looking so well now too. Losing some weight suits you'. Well, that was all it took! I 'imagined' he liked me, I thought for hours about what move I should make next, found out where he lived, fantasised about him etc. After a few weeks, I realised that this wasn't about 'him and me', it was all about me. I was very lonely, desperately sad and would have latched on to anyone who had been kind, thoughtful or complimentary. I just needed to re-evaluate my life, get busy and start living more. And I was married with a young child at the time and had no idea how empty I felt until all this happened.

80s · 23/02/2023 13:49

Argh, @Hottoffeesauce, that actually reminds me that just after my exh left I had to have an operation. The surgeon was really nice to me, and rather hunky. I then had a follow-up appointment during which he took a photo of the results. He asked if I had had a haircut. It took me days to come down from the high of him noticing me and realise it was all about my vulnerability. The next time I spoke to him I was almost rude, I was so desperate not to look like I was interested!

whattodo1975 · 23/02/2023 13:53

Flute56 · 21/02/2023 00:16

I was attending physio for a while I started to fancy my physiotherapist because he was frienddly. I do not realy need to attnd physio anymoree and thought I would send the physio a thank you card for his help in maing me feel better. I was hoping for some sort of response to the carddd and thought that would makee him see me in a different light. I think maybee it was not the right thing to do.

Would be greatful for any advice

If you were a man sending a female physio a card hoping for more this would be considered mega creepy.

Bamboo4 · 23/02/2023 14:59

This is going to be very long because I seriously feel bad for you. There is a summary at the end if you don't wish to read it all.

You haven't made yourself silly as he isn't in your head and doesn't know what you are thinking. Men are generally clueless when it comes to picking up signs. He doesn't know you sent the card with a crush and a hope for more. If the card was polite and friendly with nothing suggestive or flirty in it then you haven't disgraced yourself. Professionals (medical or not) who help the public do get cards every now and then. Sending it to their work address rather than personal email, sending them an appropriate polite card rather than something saucy or a naughty photo or text is all normal and happens without anything inappropriate intended by it.

As a general point, I will say that people can and have called or sent a text to say I got your flowers or card, thanks very much I loved them and so on. So I don't agree with no thanks for the thank you's. Most people don't though because thank you cards are usually sent in a formal or old fashioned context and the recipients tend to be either old fashioned too so will not want to make a big fuss about it and will be keen to minimise and move on or will be the type who gets so many thank you cards it's impossible to personally acknowledge each one.

Setting aside that there are professional boundaries, a brief telephone conversation without additional charge is part of good customer service. It's a personal touch that gives the patients the impression that their medical professional cares about their wellbeing and is the type of customer service or bed side manners that will get his patients recommending other patients to him particularly if this is a private treatment not an NHS one. A private medical professional is more invested in getting and keeping patients returning because they aren't getting the NHS steady stream of referrals, they have to do more 'schmoozing' to keep and attract patients.

Moreover, him saying it's good to see you is just polite pleasantry. Even if he genuinely thought it was good to see you, yeah it's good to see you £££ and your money back. It's nice to have a patient come back instead of go see someone else particularly as you are paying and have more freedom to move and change practicians since you are paying privately so it's a compliment that he hasn't totally fucked up, that you were happy enough with his service and clinic to return and that he is going to be making some more money.

My advice to you personally is to be honest with yourself about what area of your life are you escaping from with these thoughts and fantasies about an inaccessible person. You know he is highly desireable (status, looks, social standing, money..) and his approval of you would make you elated and temporarily allay any insecurities or fears you have about yourself. If he can like you, then you are good enough and any other man can like you. If he likes you back, then you won. However, when the dust settles you will see that there was a power imbalance and that him crossing the professional boundary, even though it was with you and you are doubtlessly a genuine, decent woman who felt a real spark, you will later come to wonder how he managed to do this despite his years of training and the issue of jealousy about him getting close to female clients will surface. You will not be able to trust him. Even if this doesn't happen the second likely scenario is that you do date and then for whatever reason he might cool things off or break them off and then you will be sitting there seeing the events in a whole different shade: he used me, he misled me, he behaved unprofessionally, if he does this to me, how many other women has he manipulated? And you would be tempted to go the legal route to punish him for slighting you with any perceived deception even if you aren't normally vindictive. Why? Because you two wouldn't have started on equal footing. In codes of ethics they say it's frowned upon and discouraged. They aren't doing it to spoil your fun or stop 'soulmates/twinflames' from getting together. It's there because Medical councils and professional tribunals have seen this scenario time and time again. It might end well for the 1% and that was before #metoo and online media outlets in general. Things like this could ruin a career. The medical community is surprisingly small in an area and everyone knows everyone, word going around wouldn't be good for his reputation, even if it's been a while since you were his patient, basic question of: so how did you two meet? Are you going to lie to everyone about how you met?

See it from his side, this is something he spent years working towards, this is possibly his own business. This is his livelihood, his career and potentially his identity. He sees good looking and sporty women regularly at work let alone in his, doubtless, healthy lifestyle and hobbies where he mixes with sporty good looking women who are FAR FAR safer option to date. Why would he risk all this for you? If this is an earth shattering connection, he would have already said or done something about it but I'm sorry, this is only from your own side as he hasn't said or done anything beyond what a friendly privately paid medical professional would do.

If I were you I would be glad I didn't write anything embarrassing in that card, I would not go back again and look into making big changes in my life that are leading me to fantasise about an unavailable man out of bounds. Maybe you need to date and meet more nice, attractive men who are kind and caring and a regular physio meeting with someone who is those things made you feel great but this isn't about him, this is about you escaping in him and needing a mate with the qualities he displayed.. and remember, just because he is nice at work doesn't mean he is nice to his family or in his own personal life. You genuinely don't know the man. He hasn't even mentioned his marital status, there is literally nothing that hints he was interested in more. And even if he had mentioned it, some people are just chatty.

Lastly, and this comment probably in gest but I will say Physiotherapists in particular are used to seeing women in sportswear at their appointment. Often these days it's tight and fitted such as leggings. Many women go to supermarkets, school run and do their errands in leggings. Tight clothes are hardly a come on these days. Now if she was wearing a super short bodycon dress with cleavage of 3/4 her breasts to the physio appointment then maybe.

To summarise my huge essay, he was just friendly and a polite thank you card is fine. Reassess your life and make some serious changes as escaping in inappropriate fantasies can be a sign of maladaptive behaviour.

LakeTiticaca · 23/02/2023 15:39

He's unlikely to think you are coming on to him with a simple thankyou card.
Pretty sure he wouldn't want to compromise his professional standards by acting inappropriately.
Probably different if you happened to bump into him in a pub, after your treatment has finished completely 🤔

Flute56 · 23/02/2023 23:45

Bamboo4 · 23/02/2023 14:59

This is going to be very long because I seriously feel bad for you. There is a summary at the end if you don't wish to read it all.

You haven't made yourself silly as he isn't in your head and doesn't know what you are thinking. Men are generally clueless when it comes to picking up signs. He doesn't know you sent the card with a crush and a hope for more. If the card was polite and friendly with nothing suggestive or flirty in it then you haven't disgraced yourself. Professionals (medical or not) who help the public do get cards every now and then. Sending it to their work address rather than personal email, sending them an appropriate polite card rather than something saucy or a naughty photo or text is all normal and happens without anything inappropriate intended by it.

As a general point, I will say that people can and have called or sent a text to say I got your flowers or card, thanks very much I loved them and so on. So I don't agree with no thanks for the thank you's. Most people don't though because thank you cards are usually sent in a formal or old fashioned context and the recipients tend to be either old fashioned too so will not want to make a big fuss about it and will be keen to minimise and move on or will be the type who gets so many thank you cards it's impossible to personally acknowledge each one.

Setting aside that there are professional boundaries, a brief telephone conversation without additional charge is part of good customer service. It's a personal touch that gives the patients the impression that their medical professional cares about their wellbeing and is the type of customer service or bed side manners that will get his patients recommending other patients to him particularly if this is a private treatment not an NHS one. A private medical professional is more invested in getting and keeping patients returning because they aren't getting the NHS steady stream of referrals, they have to do more 'schmoozing' to keep and attract patients.

Moreover, him saying it's good to see you is just polite pleasantry. Even if he genuinely thought it was good to see you, yeah it's good to see you £££ and your money back. It's nice to have a patient come back instead of go see someone else particularly as you are paying and have more freedom to move and change practicians since you are paying privately so it's a compliment that he hasn't totally fucked up, that you were happy enough with his service and clinic to return and that he is going to be making some more money.

My advice to you personally is to be honest with yourself about what area of your life are you escaping from with these thoughts and fantasies about an inaccessible person. You know he is highly desireable (status, looks, social standing, money..) and his approval of you would make you elated and temporarily allay any insecurities or fears you have about yourself. If he can like you, then you are good enough and any other man can like you. If he likes you back, then you won. However, when the dust settles you will see that there was a power imbalance and that him crossing the professional boundary, even though it was with you and you are doubtlessly a genuine, decent woman who felt a real spark, you will later come to wonder how he managed to do this despite his years of training and the issue of jealousy about him getting close to female clients will surface. You will not be able to trust him. Even if this doesn't happen the second likely scenario is that you do date and then for whatever reason he might cool things off or break them off and then you will be sitting there seeing the events in a whole different shade: he used me, he misled me, he behaved unprofessionally, if he does this to me, how many other women has he manipulated? And you would be tempted to go the legal route to punish him for slighting you with any perceived deception even if you aren't normally vindictive. Why? Because you two wouldn't have started on equal footing. In codes of ethics they say it's frowned upon and discouraged. They aren't doing it to spoil your fun or stop 'soulmates/twinflames' from getting together. It's there because Medical councils and professional tribunals have seen this scenario time and time again. It might end well for the 1% and that was before #metoo and online media outlets in general. Things like this could ruin a career. The medical community is surprisingly small in an area and everyone knows everyone, word going around wouldn't be good for his reputation, even if it's been a while since you were his patient, basic question of: so how did you two meet? Are you going to lie to everyone about how you met?

See it from his side, this is something he spent years working towards, this is possibly his own business. This is his livelihood, his career and potentially his identity. He sees good looking and sporty women regularly at work let alone in his, doubtless, healthy lifestyle and hobbies where he mixes with sporty good looking women who are FAR FAR safer option to date. Why would he risk all this for you? If this is an earth shattering connection, he would have already said or done something about it but I'm sorry, this is only from your own side as he hasn't said or done anything beyond what a friendly privately paid medical professional would do.

If I were you I would be glad I didn't write anything embarrassing in that card, I would not go back again and look into making big changes in my life that are leading me to fantasise about an unavailable man out of bounds. Maybe you need to date and meet more nice, attractive men who are kind and caring and a regular physio meeting with someone who is those things made you feel great but this isn't about him, this is about you escaping in him and needing a mate with the qualities he displayed.. and remember, just because he is nice at work doesn't mean he is nice to his family or in his own personal life. You genuinely don't know the man. He hasn't even mentioned his marital status, there is literally nothing that hints he was interested in more. And even if he had mentioned it, some people are just chatty.

Lastly, and this comment probably in gest but I will say Physiotherapists in particular are used to seeing women in sportswear at their appointment. Often these days it's tight and fitted such as leggings. Many women go to supermarkets, school run and do their errands in leggings. Tight clothes are hardly a come on these days. Now if she was wearing a super short bodycon dress with cleavage of 3/4 her breasts to the physio appointment then maybe.

To summarise my huge essay, he was just friendly and a polite thank you card is fine. Reassess your life and make some serious changes as escaping in inappropriate fantasies can be a sign of maladaptive behaviour.

Wow that wass a long message. You assumee my life is lacking in some way which made me start fanying the physiothereapist. In fact I lead a busy life, This has taught me that I am capable off fancying men but thy have to be the right one.

I will nneveer fall for a medic again Ass a mature adult I should have realised I had nothing to gain from it

OP posts:
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