This is going to be a long read so well done if you make it the whole way through! I really need a hand hold as I'm heartbroken and don't know where else to turn.
So I have been with my partner for roughly 3 years, we have a newborn who is 4 weeks old. Our relationship has been far from smooth sailing. The pregnancy was an accident, albeit a happy one. I have 2 children from a previous partner who my partner treats like his own.
We have had a rough patch recently and I ended things last night. A little back story so this makes sense... without being too outing, I have a traumatic past and a lot of abandonment in my childhood... which I have realised in the past couple of years has translated in to my adult relationships. Mainly being that I have an anxious attachment to relationships. He knows of this and also comes from quite a troubled back ground. The difference between us being that I strongly believe in therapy (which I am attending) and he does not. He makes no effort to address his issues.
We simply cannot communicate, every time I try to speak with him it gets turned back on me and why it's my fault. Every time I express a want or need he doesn't take it in and I am left feeling deflated again. He is very focused on money and I couldn't care less about it. He has recently launched his own business and I totally understand he needs to put the hours in to make it work. But he is dedicating no time to his family. He goes to the gym one weeknight and then to training on a Sunday but Sunday is the only day he doesn't work. He has been coming in from work around 9pm so I hardly see him. I tried to communicate that I need some time from him with the baby being so young, and could we try and work out a time every week that we can spend together. He went back to work after 5 days and I had a traumatic birth and long recovery and I accepted he needed to go back to work, but I really needed the support at that time. Whenever we speak, he always shuts down. I can ask questions or talk to him and he doesn't respond. 9/10 he doesn't respond at all and then I end up with word vomit to compensate. I then end up saying things I usually don't mean as I get so frustrated with talking to a brick wall. He is mid twenties and I am 5 years older than him. He had no previous relationships before me. I was in a 12 year relationship before this and had no issues at all. The reason for that relationship breaking down was because my previous partner cheated.
Last night it got too much and I ended things. However, as I always do, I panicked today and am now asking (begging which I hate myself for) him if we can work through things. Which I'm not even sure is the best of ideas... He is saying he has had enough of how often I seem to have a problem in the relationship... according to him it is weekly and we are damaging each other. And as hard as it is to admit, I think he is right there. I love him so deeply and he knows how worried I was at ending up a single parent to 3 children. I am by no means innocent here, I have done certain things wrong and maybe not gone around things in the right way sometimes, but I am trying to get help for my issues so we can move forward. I want us to work at things but he is adamant now that he no longer wants to try and I know I need to respect that. I am just in a lot of pain over this and need some reassurance I will be ok. I am so scared to do this without him. Sorry for the long post and thank you if you've read this far!