Do I end it ?

[HollyJenni]

So I have had my suspicions that my OH has been messaging someone else for a while. He will be on his phone quite regularly and he works away a lot and is often on his phone until late at night.
he is away tonight and I found his watch on the floor and something made me go through it. He doesn’t have the best pin for it so I guessed it pretty quickly. He has been messaging a family friend who we sometimes go on holiday with who has recently split from her husband.
he was asking her when they are going to have sex and sending her pictures of the beds in his hotel room. She asked where I was when he was messaging etc. anyway, the last message she sent about a week ago said she had met someone and it was early days but she really likes them and he sent her three thumbs up.
What on earth do I do? We haven’t got a sex life at all really and it’s like we lead separate lives now as he works away so much. We have a young daughter too. I just don’t know what to do. There isn’t mjch of a relationship to salvage to be honest but this person he has been messaging is someone close to our family!

And yes I know snooping is terrible and its not the right thing to do but I just had this nagging feeling that there was something wrong

Dump him?!!!!!

To put it into context, I’m 36 and he is 47. We have been together 11 years. Have a house together etc. I haven’t been happy for a long time, we seem to be best friends rather than anything else and clearly he isn’t happy as he is messaging someone else

Oh nasty, hitting on a family friend. Sorry, that's awful for you.

From what you say about the messages, it doesn't sound like she was receptive? (Even grimmer if he was chasing someone a bit vulnerable from her split).

Yeah, dump him. He's not really your best friend at this stage.

It sounds like they have been messaging for a while and I’ve actually confronted them both in the past for this reason. They both denied. he had deleted the messages prior to January and these were on messsge not what’s app so I can only presume they also what’s app each other and the fact she is asking where I am in the house when messaging him says she knows there is something wrong. It feels like I was meant to find these messages as I haven’t been happy for a long time

Oh right - horrible to be lied to by both of them like that as well.

Sorry OP.

I have never had proof as such before. I took pictures of the messages. He obviously isn’t feeling fulfilled in our relationship. I’m now thinking this is why he spent so much on me at Christmas

I’d end things. Doesn’t sound like any of you are happy anymore. Life is too short

It's up to you if you want to challenge him on his behaviour or not, but you also have enough reason between you by both being unhappy, so you could use that tactic if you don't want as much confrontation.

She is probably one of many as well I would guess.
She is older than me as well and has just ended an extremely toxic relationship. We holidayed together last year and they were always arguing. I don’t know how long these messages have been going on. How on earth do I confront him?

You say "I read your messages to x" and see what he says, I guess. If it's all how dare you snoop, don't get sucked into that discussion - "I asked you about your relationship with her before and you both lied to my face."

What do you want to happen?

I think the relationship is over and has been for a while but we have been going through the motions. We have an amazing daughter, nice house, both have jobs we like and from the outside I would guess that we look perfect but in reality, we don’t have much in common. He drinks too mjch which bothers me, he is very insecure, he cheated on his ex constantly. He doesn’t like me going out. When I say I’m going out he says things like up to you etc. then he will make me feel like I should be at home even though he works away sometimes 4 nights a week

How you confront him depends on what you want. Do you still want to be married to him? Do you want honesty whatever that turns out to be?

Well luckily we aren’t married. I feel like it should
be over. Just the thought of our child having to live in two homes breaks my heart

So I confronted him. He said he was drunk and it was silly. Doesn’t make any sense as the messages I found at least went on for 2 months.
he said that because we aren’t intimate enough, he has needs etc and I said that I agreed. That our relationship obviously isn’t good for either of us!