Can't put up with this much longer - long

[ismyhusbandpassiveaggressive]

Namechange says it all.

the type of comment made by H nearly everyday is driving me crazy, let me give you some examples:

H: It's x's parents evening on thursday (his son, my stepson).

Me: Are you going?

H: why, do you want me to go?

Me: Um, it's up to you...

H: Oh, well, if you don't want me around, I'll go!.

.......

Me: I'm going to bed now. are you coming up, or staying down here for a bit?

H: Why, don't you want me in the room with you?

Me: er, no, that's not what I meant, I was just asking...

H: Oh, so you don't want me with you. I'm sleeping down here.

................

Me: Shall we visit my parents some time next month?

H: do you want me to come?

Me, stammering with nerves as I know whatever I say will now be wrong: Um, yes, I'd like to have you come..if you want...but you don't have to, i mean if you'd rather not that's fine, i don't mind at all, but that doesn't mean I dont want you there because i would like your company, I just want you to do whatever will make you happiest...

H: oh, well obviously you'd rather go on your own. (cue six weeks of this shit as he changes his mind every five minutes about coming, based on some insane perception of whether he's 'wanted' or not).

.................

And then last night -

Me: I've just got to nip out for some bread.

H: It's alright, i've got some.

Me: Oh, good, thanks.

H: Oh, sorry.

Me:, um, why?

H: sorry for getting the bread. Because you wanted to go out.

Me, er, no, not really.

H: You can go out, if you want to get away from me. Or do you want me to go, and get out of your way?

Me: Breaks down and cries in hysterical sobbing way for half an hour. then try to explain why. and he still doesn't know why I'm upset, or admit that his comments are in any way unusual.

This is happening all the time. I daredn't say a thing, he always turns everything round to put me in the wrong and imply some phantom criticism or rejection, I am so tired of defending myself for something I haven't done, and i don't know whether i feel more like killing him or myself. Help.

has he always been like this?
it sounds as though he is very insecure and is constantly fishing for reasurance.

Always been like this, but seems to have got worse - I think now he knows how much I hate it and is pushing my buttons.

He does have major insecurity issues surrounding boarding school and breakdown of his first marriage.

This would drive me absolutely beserk. My DH does it on a lesser scale and I ignore it completely for a while then absolutely freak out at him about it occasionally. Seems to help a bit as it stops for quite a while . Could you maybe stop being quite so careful of his feelings, get a bit angry but clearly and coherently explain to him AS MANY TIMES AS IT TAKES (!!) why this has to stop. Or suggest Relate? Is he generally unhappy?

Hmm the school / divorce thing is what it is about I guess. Still not at all fair on you and if he loves you he needs to make an effort to stop, otherwise he will drive you away too. What are his views on psychotherapy?

god! sounds exhausting for you!

not sure if it's passive/aggressive as i'm not 100% up on the behaviours. mind you, my H (separated) is very good at P/A behaviours I am learning!

if I were you I would start responding in a very categorical way. so when he says "do you want me to?" you say "yes I do" or "no I don't".

bit like dealing with a toddler really.

He's generally a negative person, sparkle, quite a 'glass half empty' type. Suffers from depression, but not on meds now. It is soooo hard.

maybe make an effort to seem more wanting of his prescence

( i know, i know...it would get on my tits too)

but instead of things like "are you going or staying here" say "are you coming? it would be nice for you to see the family again"

"are you coming to bed or staying here" - "did you want to stay here? its just im off up now and it'd be nice to cuddle up"

all a bit syrupy if your not used to it but it would help prevent him finding cause to bite back.

its a bit like when they train you to use closed questions where someone can only answer yes or no.
if you word it correctly he can't moan without sounding like a tit

Mamazon, that makes sense. Ties in with what paddle says about him being like a toddler. So glad to get this off my chest.

Oh yes - what Paddle and Mamazon said.... Toddler approach and closed questions often work well with my DH. He is basically saying 'Do you love me? Do you want me?' in a highly irritating way.

Thanks, sparkle, so glad this is possibly fixable...it's so bloody draining...

well i hope that it helps.

i have had to learn how to phrase things when speaking to Ds (asd) and in teh beginning its really difficult but you do pick it up quite easily...especially if it starts working.

i can imagine how hard it must be to constantly be questioned the way you are now.

He sounds really really insecure.

Whatever you say, he is hearing a rejection of him.

I suppose the first thing...well, frankly it's to take Mamazon's brilliant advice! but the other thing to do is to work out beforehand what you actually want.

So when you ask him if he is coming to your parents, and he asks if you want him there - you can say yes (or no) instead of um, whatever you would prefer. Better still, only ask him this sort of stuff if you actually want him there. So if you weren't bothered about him coming up to bed at the same time as you, just say that you are tired and you'll meet him in bed. If you want him to come up with you, ask him to.

or you could get in there first..

shall we visit my parents?
do you want me to?
why, don't you want to?

I wonder how that conversation would go?

totally what mamzon says.

just once, i'd love to know what happens if you answer his questions with a question, like he does you.