Am I in the wrong?

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

Bit of a strange one I need a bit of advice on please.

First off, I'm a single parent. I work full time and have quite a demanding job. I have no help from my DD's father. I've just finished an extension on my house and now need some down time with my daughter.

My parents are older (dad in his 80's and mum in her early 70's) my dad had dementia so can at times be hard work. I speak to my mum at least twice a day, and spend a lot of time with them. Usually they come to our house and I cook for them and keep them company.

Not sure why I'm explaining this, but thought it would help with the issue I had with my mum last week.

Basically my parents bought my nephew an adventure experience thing for Christmas. They would like to take him with my sister and her husband, but it would mean I would have to look after their dog and my sisters dog. Not at issue, but I said please don't book it over a bank holiday weekend. I love bank holidays and tend to book all day trips out so don't want to have to feel I'm tied to the dogs.

This adventure experience can be used anytime btw. I made it clear no bank holidays. But I got a phone call last week after I'd had a stressful day at work, pretty much telling me (not asking) that the only date they can all do falls on a bank holiday weekend. I said there are 52 weeks in a year, why can't they choose another weekend and my mum said there are loads of bank holidays in the first half of the year, and my sister and her husband are booked up. They also threw into the mix that they are looking after my daughter for one night. and this is also one of the reasons they can only do a bank holiday. Please bare in mind I hardly ever have my daughter stay at my parents house, it's very occasional. Maybe 2-3 times a year at that. But I check first that they are available!

My sister works two days a week, so she has way more time off than I do. In the school holidays I have to constantly book off holiday to be able to spend time with my daughter.

I can't help but feel angry. I dearly love my mum, but at times I feel like she is a bull in a China shop. I tried explaining that there are 52 weeks in a year, surely they can find a normal weekend that I can look after the dogs. It seems like she has totally disregarded my plans and expects me to cancel them so they can go away for the weekend.

Am I being totally unreasonable?

Either the animals.go to a kennel or they pay for a dog walker when they are with you. You are doing them a favour and you do not need to justify why that weekend is not convenient.

Dog care for a day is pretty easy as pp said. A dog Walker or day stay at a kennels. Not difficult for them to arrange.

Thanks, one is a puppy so can't be left alone for long periods of time. Plus my mum and my sister are both quite protective of their dogs and wouldn't leave them with a dog walker.

My mum is angry with me for saying no! I think she feels I should change my plans to accommodate their last because they sometimes look after my daughter. But like I said before I always check they don't have plans before, I would never expect anyone to cancel/ change their plans if they are doing me a favour.

My sister doesn't seem to get it either, she works 2 days a week and doesn't seem to understand how important down time is for me. Because essentially I hardly get any!

Sorry to vent. I was happy to look after the dogs but feel I've been made to look selfish by my family.

Just keep saying no sorry I’ve got plans. Can someone else have your daughter instead of parents? I’d hate to be held ransom like that. They are being unreasonable, they can go later in the year if booked up until summer

That's how I feel, that I'm being held ransom.

It's not booked up, it's more the fact that my sister is busy and has no free weekends. There is Easter and my dads birthday all in the first half of the year. But my view is my sister (who's sons experience it is) should move their plans not myself. Or book some holiday or something.

Alternatively book it in later summer. They are being completely unreasonable.

I sympathise, OP. You already do a lot for your parents. As I know with DPIL, the more you give, the more you’re expected to give! Stand your ground.

It's tough, neither of my parents have any friends where they live. Me and my sister have encouraged them to go to social groups and make new friends but it doesn't really happen. So it's down to me and my sister to keep them happy. That's literally how it feels, and it's not easy.

Because they don't have a huge amount of plans when something comes along they jump on it and forget that other people have lives too.

No, you are not in the wrong OP. Just tell them that unfortunately you have already made plans for that bank holiday weekend (all of them) and are unable to dogsit. You explained that from the start, and they ignored you, so don't give in now.

How can she possibly equate looking after her own grandchild for a day compared with you looking after their dog? Some people really don't get it.

Their dogs are their problem, it's part of dog ownership. Simple answer would of been, "sorry I can't do it then" and stick to it.
If they pull the having your daughter card, it sounds like it's worth forgoing overnight visits as they only happen a couple of times a year.
Try ringing your sister direct to let her know you won't be dog-sitting then given that your mother seems hard to reason with.

Your parents have arranged an adventure experience for your nephew, your sister and her husband, and your parents are taking them. You are not involved in this at all, yet they are trying to make care of their dogs your problem. That’s completely unreasonable of them. Stay firm and say no. Dog owners have to find care for their dogs when they go out.
And stop thinking it’s “down to you and your sister to keep them happy”. It isn’t, and you can’t. Especially when one has dementia. You’re punishing yourself for nothing if you believe you’re responsible for their happiness. What it will mean is that you feel obliged to run around after them and give in to all their demands, because you believe it makes them happy. That’s not what happiness is.