Am I overreacting about ex-dp doing this?

[Twoddle]

My partner and I separated at the end of November after a very strained year came to a pretty sordid head, involving several infidelities on his part.

About a month ago, we looked at calendars and agreed a week that was mutually convenient for ex-dp to go away with his staff and bond/strategise. That week happens to be next week - the week of Valentine's Day and my birthday. I was OK with this - he'd be away doing work stuff, and it might be easier to have some physical distance between us at the time of these milestones.

Earlier last week, ex-dp said that staff at work didn't want to take the full week out, so he'd be a having a bit of down-time for himself, followed by a few days with them. OK, I thought ...

Yesterday, with our diaries out and planning in his time with ds (3), it came to light that next week, ex-dp is in fact going on holiday for a week with one of the women he was unfaithful with last November, to her holiday apartment. He's doing three days' work-related bonding/brainstorming the week after.

I am angry and massively hurt about this on two counts. While I have no right - and do not wish - to know the ins and outs of ex-dp's (love) life, I don't expect to be told lies about why he is going away; I feel he has been deceitful. And I also think that choosing the week of my birthday/Valentine's Day (we always made a big fuss of these) to sun it with a casual fling is highly insensitive, though I suppose not actually wrong. Plus, given that he is skiing in three weeks anyway and hasn't seen much of ds of late, I think it's overly self-indulgent and that he isn't making time with ds enough of a priority ... a weekend would be enough for a bit of down time, wouldn't it?!

I keep wondering if it's rather ludicrous that we've agreed to regroup later in the year and see if we can rekindle anything. I feel that, given the hurt already caused, the intervening time has to be respectful to each other and build bridges - not create more crap to have to work through.

Am I overreacting?! (I haven't got PMT ... )

Are you separated or not? It sounds a mite confusing/ muddled for you all as there are no clear boundaries for you all. You obviously still have feelings (don't quite understand how you can rekindle things later in the year - why not now?).

Think whether DH needs to spend more time with DS is a different issue to your concern/ natural jealousy about the coming week. If you really do have concerns - I would save them until you can calmly talk about them -i.e after he's come back from skiing.

This happend to me with my now ex dp. Our separated relationship became 'fluid' - were we back together or not etc - did I have the right to be jealous etc? In a nutshell - it did my head in! So you have my greatest sympathy.

I actually don't think you're overreacting at all.

If the the idea was that you seperate for a while and regroup (as you put it) to see if you can rekindle anything, I think he is showing you a huge disrespect going away with a woman he cheated with! How can you expect to want to salvage your relationship if he is prepared to flaunt the fact he is, in effect still cheating?

Wow its a tough one for you but I know its something that I would not tolerate. I think he is taking the piss tbh!

i think how you feel is how you feel. there is no right and wrong with emotion, they just are

but i don't think you have much say as to how he spends valentines...your birthday is now no longer his concern.
if he is still seeing this other woman then it stands to reason that they would want to do something together.

by all means suggest that maybe he spends a little more time with yoru Ds, but other than that it really is none of your business.

as for "we've agreed to regroup later in the year and see if we can rekindle anything"

regroup? surely thats what you do after a brainstorming excercise at work, not following a bitter seperation involving a young child.

his behaviour would suggest that he has very little expectation of things recoverng from your seperation so if i were you i would too.

i think this tells you what you need to know

he is going to have his fun and fling, then you are the fallback position later in the year if things don;t work out

why wouldn't he lie to you? he lied before you seperated.

why have you agreed to regroup later in the year, why not try now?

i think he wants to enjoy a bit of single life, knowing he has the secuirty of his long term partner waiting for him with his DS if it is not for him

I can relate to the "it did my head in" bit, hols.

We are separated in the in the sense that we are not living together, have agreed we can see other people, etc. And we have agreed to check in later in the year, after some breathing space, to consider reconciliation. In principle, I'm OK-ish with this. We need water under the bridge, and are going to see a counsellor in the meantime to help heal some of the pain - time is needed, to a degree.

What I take issue with is deceit - arranging time out/time away from ds for a legitimate, work-related reason and changing that to a jolly with a woman, without any intention of telling me. I find that deceitful - all the more so because we are supposed to be keeping the possibility of reconciliation alive, and this would hinge on rebuilding, not further obliterating, trust.

And of course it hurts because it happens to be across my birthday although, as I said, that's not wrong as such. Bloody insensitive - again, all the more so because of this checking-back-in dimension - but not wrong.

And given how hands-on ex-dp has been with ds in the past, and how much he says he wants to see him, his choices are disappointing.

Why be open to reconciliation? Today, I just don't know.

forgive me if i am being naive, but surely breathing space is not possible if he is with someone else? however casual? he is still investing time and energy in another woman, and he is not going to be sorting out how he feels about you

Perhaps you need to have some sort of more concrete arrangements for him seeing DS whilst you are apart.

He's being led around by the cock sweetie. He will remember his son later on, when it occurs to him, and in the meantime, I would make this all about your little boy. I feel so sorry for you that he could be such a prick. Please don't be his fallback girl - tell him now that you don't want him back.

Unfortunatley I think your XP doesn't want to get back with you in a couple context but is aware that there will be a relationship between you and him because you have a child together: you are co-parents. WHat;s going on here is that he is trying, rather clumsily, to spare your feelings by fibbing about what he is doing. OK it's a bit cowardly and he should just tell you straight out that he wants to be single, but if you still want a couple relationship with him (which it sounds like you do) he's going to find it hard to be that blunt with you.
You do both need a serious talk about how to manage your split, but the bottom line is that once you ahve agreed to separate, how he spends his spare time is not your business.

i am sorry to be harsh but you are seperated. i dont think it would matter if it was the woman he had an affair with or not you obviously still have feelings for him. you really need to work out what you want - why are you giving him time to go and do what he wants then come back to you - are you hoping that he will realise what he had? its either over or its not - if oyu are not with him he can do what he likes and doesnt have to tell you anything - perhaps he didnt want to hurt you?either way you are messing with your head - go out - have fun and build your own life then if you still want him back after his infidelities etc talk about it later in the year but torturing yourself over a man you are not with right now is insanity, believe me i understand i have done it which is why i am being quite stern with you. i am sending you a big hug though.

It's still deceitful to plan time away from ds for work purposes, and then morph it into a holiday. With another woman or not. I can deal with the other woman bit far better than the general bullshitting.

But I hear what you're all saying. And you're probably right.

Thanks

Btw, I don't know for sure if I want to make a go of it later in the year. Truly. I half do - I suppose in recognition of 10 happy years - and half don't, on the basis of how he's treated me in recent months.

But I guess my point is that if we are keeping open the possibility of reconciling, we don't burn bridges. We treat each other with respect and don't bullshit. In fact, you don't lie/be deceitful whatever. I think, anyway.

Oh, I dunno ...

in all fairness though love and i dont mean to hurt you with this really i dont, why does he have to be honest with you? he isnt yours right now. your not trying to build a relationship if he is seeing someone else it is over. likei said i dont want to hurt you but you have to accept that he doesnt have to be anything in your life other then a good dad and its up to you to put the rules in place to help him do that.

i do know what your saying but he is burning his own bridges - your angry with him for that, which suggests one of you is moving on and the other is not. let him get on with it. you cant force him to do things your way and he obviously doesnt want to.

btw - you sound like a nice woman - dont take it as we are being negative - its just easier to see something when you are not involved. respect is key but when its over its over and for him it either is over or he genuinly thinks he can do whatever he likes in which case you should make it over.

I don't get the significance of Valentine's if you have separated but he shouldn't have lied to you. Would you have gone mad with him if he had told you the truth? Maybe his plans were as he originally said and then changed?

Message withdrawn

Hear what you're all saying. Thanks - erm, sort of! No, really, it is helpful to get an objective perspective - far too close into this, and too emotional, to see it clearly.

Have quizzed ex-dp on all of this, repeatedly - the "Are you humouring me?" lines, etc. He insists he is not, that he is hurting, that he hasn't moved on, and doesn't want to close the door on "us" completely ... which makes some of these behaviours incomprehensible to me.

dittany, thank you for your empathy. I have actually had a remarkably positive couple of weeks, which gave me a lot of hope. This holiday-with-the-other-woman revelation - when he'd said he was going away for work - has just knocked me sideways again, and the timing's unfortunate too. The anger and hurt are most definitely still there.

Why was part of me open to possibly rekindling at some point? Because we have chemistry, always have, plus a history of 10 largely happy years together, some truly wonderful memories - we were the couple that this would never happen to. I still can't really believe it came to this. The past 18 months have presented us with immense strain, ex-dp had phases of depression and mania, ds had sleep difficulties, I had hormone trouble, a friend died, etc - it's been hell. And that takes its toll. It's just that it was pretty fantastic before that. This is a Big Deal for me to let go of, and I think also - though to a lesser degree - for ex-dp. And of course we have a gorgeous little boy.

I think, also, that the check-in-later idea meant we didn't need to sell the house. It's ds's home - he's so happy and settled here. And we bought it for the immense potential it has. And while it's painful for us to be rattling around in here without ex-dp, it's still home, and it's another Big Deal to contemplate letting our home go too. I didn't want to unsettle ds if I could possibly help it. We'd thought maybe we shouldn't sell up yet, just in case ...

Ex-dp and I have had a couple of tense chats this afternoon, and decided to sack the "checking in" later in the year thing. It is too painful for me. He can handle being 100% single in the meantime, shutting out any pain/emotions he feels. I can't do that. Having a date to check in feels, to me, like "breathing space" rather than not being together at all - which makes what he does in the meantime doubly hurtful, to me. So that's it then.

Oh dear. What an immense amount of pain ...

oh twoddle - it sounds like you have had a rough old time but he doesnt deserve you love.

Sounds like you are a very reasonable, sensitive person - and he isn't. He is shagging away on holiday for a week and YOU are the one worrying about your DS, your future relationship etc. Says a lot.