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Relationships

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Original poster

Can alcoholics change in a few weeks

20 replies

Deedotr · 20/02/2023 12:21

Alcoholic partner has not been drinking last six weeks since I told him to leave, says he wants to stop, and do better. He is taking better care of his responsibilities since then and generally appears to want to make a change. I don't trust him and it feels like it's a little to late since he has had the alcohol abuse disorder more than ten years now. Is it worth it to stay and wait for the long-term change? Do they really get over the alcoholism?

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Shapemyeyebrows · 20/02/2023 12:35

@Deedotr how dependant was he on it before? Was he drinking every day? In my experience if he’s only doing it for you then no he won’t keep it up. He needs to want to do it for himself. My ex stopped drinking then slowly started again, but kept pushing the boundaries and started hiding it from me, it was a constant push and pull game, the rollercoaster of feeling relieved when he’s doing well to the crash of realising he’s drinking more and more, some of it in secret. How long have you been together and do you have kids/ties?

mummymeister · 20/02/2023 12:38

Nope is the short answer. its lifelong. there will always be that lure of the addiction. if he wants to for his own sake give it up then he will. but its what he wants deep down that counts. and he will lapse and you will have to decide whether you can or want to support him when he does. addiction is horrible for everyone.

mindutopia · 20/02/2023 12:46

Can stopping drinking when you have a problem make a massive positive difference in only 6 weeks? Yes, of course it can. Many people feel so much better in those early weeks and can make really positive changes in how they are living and in their emotional state. But does this mean he is 'changed'? As in, it's all sorted now and everything is fine. No. He will still have quite a bumpy road ahead and he needs to focus on himself and not a relationship if he wants this to be a lasting change. Realistically, if someone is a jerk, it's going to be partly because he is a jerk, even if 50% of it was the drink.

Opentooffers · 20/02/2023 12:53

Is he accessing outside support? He should attend AA meetings and could be referred to the community alcohol team via his GP. If he's just done a unilateral quit without support it's less likely to stick and also shows less serious commitment.

Teeturtle · 20/02/2023 13:21

I am an alcoholic in recovery. I think it can take a relationship breakdown to trigger somebody’s recovery, I have seen it. But if you are asking if you should go back to the relationship after six weeks of being dry, I would say absolutely not.

Original poster

Deedotr · 20/02/2023 13:23

@Shapemyeyebrows no not drinking everyday, but a few weeks apart. Though when the drinking happens it's horrible. He is not abusive at all, just keeps to himself but slurs and blubbers his words and the children (two DCs) also the staggering around. I get really disgusted at how he conducts himself and has peed in the bed each time the drinking happens. I need him to leave but what does one do when he is now going out of his way to help around the house, even buying groceries, cooking, cleaning...

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Original poster

Deedotr · 20/02/2023 13:24

@mummymeister it's just horrible.... either way someone will suffer

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Original poster

Deedotr · 20/02/2023 13:28

@mindutopia that's the dilemma am facing. It's not even possible to know what the next few weeks will be like. Am thinking it's better to take a break with the relationship? He doesnt not want that. We havent been on speaking terms but he keeps sending text messages on my phone and I just want to be left alone to deal to see how I can deal

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Original poster

Deedotr · 20/02/2023 13:30

@Opentooffers no real outside support, though he says he has attended a counselling session

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heartyrebel · 20/02/2023 13:44

I thought mine had quit, but he just got even sneakier with hiding it. It was about 5 years later, much heartbreak and lies, before he eventually got dry via two stints in rehab.
I wouldn't trust it personally.

Shapemyeyebrows · 20/02/2023 13:53

@Deedotr that’s exactly how I used to feel…when he wouldn’t drink I used to think how can I leave him when he’s doing so well? That’s the cycle you will be stuck in. Unfortunately sometimes the problem becomes more our problem that the one with the alcohol issue. We worry and have anxiety over it and feel a responsibility for it. I did leave eventually, not just for that reason, and it was so hard because I really loved him but the longer I have been out of it, I realise I couldn’t go back to that now. If he is dependent on alcohol then I think the only way to be in a relationship with him is if he stops all together. Is that his plan?

Gapo · 20/02/2023 18:17

It doesn’t matter what he wants, it matters what you want. If you want a break or want to leave, you don’t have to have permission from anyone else to do that. See if he carries on with the non drinking then.

pointythings · 20/02/2023 21:40

He can make a start in 12 weeks, but true recovery takes longer than that, and it is not a good idea to also be in a rocky relationship. I don't think this is recovery, I think he is toughing it out until you relent, and then when you do he will slide back into his old ways.

If he were truly serious about recovery he would be seeking help, attending meetings either through AA or SMART Recovery, working on his reasons for abusing alcohol. If he isn't doing these things, he isn't attempting recovery.

Either way you should stick to your guns and detach from him.

Original poster

Deedotr · 22/02/2023 10:19

This morning he informs me that this is his 3rd week sober. And here I was thinking he has been six weeks sober. am not even annoyed, not even disappointed. I just need to pack his stuff and end this at end of this month. I feel like I can't start my recovery until he is gone. Even what experts recommend as detaching is not possible for me.

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audemoray · 22/02/2023 10:30

Deedotr · 22/02/2023 10:19

That sounds sensible thing to do. Good luck to you.

Watchkeys · 22/02/2023 10:51

I don't trust him and it feels like it's a little to late

It's over then. If he wants to recover, he'll do it even if you split up. It's his responsibility. You are free.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/02/2023 10:57

He does not need you around in order to stop drinking.

You have set yourself free from his alcoholism; the last thing you need to do now is return at all to this re him. Work further on rebuilding your life without him at all in it day to day; learn more about codependency and work out exactly what attracted you to him in the first place. Your own recovery from his alcoholism is long overdue.

pointythings · 22/02/2023 11:28

I second everything @AttilaTheMeerkat has said. Put yourself first now. Walk away, strengthen your self esteem and let him take responsibility for himself.

FartSock5000 · 22/02/2023 14:06

Absolutely not.

Alcoholism is an addiction and addictions take longer than 6 weeks to overcome, if ever.

I've known someone who redirected their addiction. They stopped alcohol cold turkey and have been sober 15 years but that addiction now manifests in other ways like food, collecting or excersize.

Is he attending meetings? Taking medication? Therapy? Other than just stopping, what else is he doing to beat the addiction or channel it into something more healthy?

The answer is probably not so do not fall for it.

Alcoholism is a selfish disease that will steal the best years of your life as an innocent bystander. You cannot help him, only he can save himself and so far, he isn't really doing that.

Original poster

Deedotr · 01/03/2023 10:14

My mind is just broken from all the thinking. My major fear is what my DCs think about the situation and how it's affecting them since I am not on talking terms with my AP, and am still sleeping in DCs bedroom. Told him to leave today coz I cant have this situation anymore in my home. Even gave him the starting rent money for the house he said he found since he said he doesnt have money to pay for the rent. That's the much support I am willing to give. If he doesnt move out on his own I will pack his stuff and just change the locks.

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