Ex wants more time with DC

[MakingMeWannaDance]

ExP and I have 2DC together, 3yo and 2yo. I also have 7yo DD from a previous relationship.

By the end of the relationship, he was like a different person from who I met. He was abusive, controlling, and drank far too much. I know of occasions where he had taken drugs. He constantly had no money because he can't hold down a job. He stopped doing anything around the house and for DC. It was like having another child, and I resented him.

He moved back to his DM in November. Ds on occasion has refused to go, and the longest they have ever stayed there before asking to come home is about 4 hours. He is now wanting to see them every day because they don't want to spend any length of time there, which is a hassle and disrupts their routine. But his DM has said to me that she cannot cope with DC being there more than twice a week. Ds is disabled (HRC and HRM) and she is the one looking after them. All nappy changes, cooking, cleaning, playing with them and it's too much for her. She complained there was no structure, routine or discipline. So he's treating her the way he treated me.

He said he is not in the position to get his own house so contact will need to remain at his DM. He doesn't care his mum has said 2 days per week and has said if he doesn't have them at least 50% of the time he will take me to court to get more access. Would he be granted 50% when he can't provide a home for them? He is also blaming me for ruining his relationship with my DD, but she has said she does not want to see him.

I am now getting bombarded with calls and texts from him, calling me every name under the sun because I have agreed with his DM I will stick to the 2 days and will agree with her on what days suit. He refuses to take them to the park, soft play or anywhere else but his DM for contact.

I have no idea what to do for the best and feel like I'm at breaking point with everything he has put me through.

No one can say for sure what a court would decide. Is he looking for 50:50 to get out of paying maintenance because it doesn’t sound like he actually wants to see them when he is pawning them off on his mother. Children know when they aren’t really wanted around.
Personally I would be inclined to keep with the status quo. It’s up to him to put in effort with the eldest. You are making them available to see him so have done your part. His mother has raised her own children and it’s not fair to expect her to raise the grandchildren 50% of the time either.

More fool her for taking up the slack. Are you on reasonable terms with his DM? Perhaps you could suggest she takes a step back by making herself unavailable sometimes when he has them - ie go out for the day. I'm sure if he had less people around him he'd soon be asking for less time not more.
Yes it might mean they get poor quality care for a few hours, but with his attitude it would be unlikely to continue for long.
Regards court action, its most likely an empty threat as it doesn't sound like he has the resources that that would take.

He doesn't pay maintenance. I get carers allowance for DS and he receives high rate disability. According to Ex, I get enough money for them so he refuses to pay. He works for his friend, cash in hand, so I can't go to CMS.

He only wants to see them when it suits him but he doesn't want to do any of the parenting. His DM has specifically asked me not to take them unless she has agreed to it. He's demanding I drop them off every day through the week after nursery. Then it's hours of abusive messages and phone calls of I don't agree. He was supposed to have them overnight on Saturday but when he found out I was out he told me DC were crying for me, missing me and wouldn't settle. He asked me to pick them up. It feels like he's doing whatever he can to still try and control me.

Well she’s an absolute fool and a doormat for doing all of that, but she raised him so that’s on her, not your problem.
Tell him to take you to court then, or you allow him more contact (although it doesn’t sound like the kids want that) and leave it to his mum to enforce her own boundaries with him. Is he paying maintenance?

Yes we get on quite well. She has COPD and says she isn't fit enough to be going out for the day. She rarely leaves the house.

He only wants to see them when it suits him but he doesn't want to do any of the parenting. His DM has specifically asked me not to take them unless she has agreed to it

Nope, you do not dance to her tune anymore than you dance to his. She needs to have that conversation with her arsehole son, not you. Do what works for you and the children. And apply for maintenance anyway, report him for working cash in hand. Also if he demands he have them and then demands you pick them up because he finds out you’re having a night out, you fucking ignore him! Why on earth would you let him control you like that?

He sent me a video of them on WhatsApp and they were crying asking me to pick them up.

Ugh, what a pig of a man. I’d consider stopping all contact and let him take you to court (he won’t). It doesn’t sound like the children are getting anything positive from him. Instead you could block him, only communicate with his mum and arrange times when she will still get to see/have the children (if she wants to) so that you still get some child free time too.

They do ask to see him though so I wouldn't stop them from seeing him. He is just a nightmare to talk to. It always has to be his way, and tries his best to be awkward. I'm not even sure his DM would want to see them. Before he moved back in with her she hadn't them for over a year. He never took them to visit her, and she only ever really visited when they were newborns.

Just call the police ffs don't take the abuse atop it now or you will have it the rest of your life

Get it on record or yes the judge will give him 50/50 contact

However you need it in writing what hismum has said and keep the video of them begging to come home

I imagine if his DM made him move out he'd lose all interest in seeing his DC when he actually had to look after them himself. Stick to an agreement with his DM and keep all his messages incase it goes to court Op. Block his mobile number and only communicate by e mail

I'd remove his option to call you. Make it messages only. Or use one of the parenting apps. That will likely cut the abuse down. Or at least makes it recorded so a solicitor can use it.

Work out a schedule that suits you - and your 3 children. (2-3 days is an acceptable contact gap at their ages so twice a week is fine.) Tell him this is what is happening going forward and if he doesn't like it then he is to go to court. If he sends you abusive videos to collect them early, collect them if convenient - but record it all. If he wants them after nursery... he can collect them why are you doing all the running around? Tell his mother to leave him to it if she doesn't want to be involved. She can sit in a bedroom if she can't leave the house. If she wants to help she can record what she has to do for them as he won't.

And yes report his under the counter earnings and get onto the CMS.

Get comms via a parent contact app and then block him.