Snappy DH

[Confusedmummyandwife]

I'm going to apologise in advance this is a long one.

I have been with my Husband for 17 years, married for 9. We have 3 DC aged 8, 6 and 2. My husband is the only proper relationship I have being 18 when we got together.

My husband is not the most patient and can be quite snappy at the smallest things. His response if I ever ask him to do anything is to huff first. He does do lots in the house cooking washing etc and a good dad to the children. When he gets angry he resorts to name calling calling me awful things in the past.

The snapping and name calling is something he has probably always done but more recently I just can't stand it. And it has really affected our relationship. I just feel like my feelings for him are not there anymore. I have spoken about it to him and he has really tried but I'm not sure if it is too late for me. He is snapping at me a lot less but I feel like he is now doing these things to the children. One moment he can be the funny silly daddy that they all love to just really not nice.

One example is that after he asked my 6 year old to put away a blanket maybe 3 times. My son was putting it away unfolded. DH said "Fold it" in a really snappy tone. My DS responded with "I don't now how". DH Snapped back "Learn". Ds then became upset. I helped as it was quite a big blanket that I think any 6 year old would struggle with.

Another example is when my 8 year old DD had not been doing as asked and was trying to put across her point he snapped "shut up". She was really upset and asked me why it was OK for Daddy to tell her to shift up when she would get into trouble for speaking to people like that... I didn't know how to answer. he also tells them to stop being a baby if they get upset when in trouble which I hate.

He is not all bad it is just these moments in a day. We are going through a really rough time and we have been on the verge of breaking up a few times recently but I just can't do it. I'm scared that I will regret it. I don't want to disrupt the children's life, I don't want to not see the children everyday. I feel like I am in a limbo and not being fair on me or my DH right now.

So anyone else being in a similar position? What did you do and did you regret it?

My dh is like this. Will follow your thread for advice. Wishing you all the best.

Your husband is an ill-mannered boor. However, I bet he doesn't speak to work colleagues or friends like that, because quite rightly he wouldn't be allowed to get away with it.

He is upsetting you, and your children. You say 'he's not all bad' as if that makes his poor behaviour and very poor relationship model display in front of your children, ok. Of course it doesn't. Many badly behaved people can be ok sometimes ,it doesn't take away the fact that their behaviour generally is rotten.

If you choose to stay with him you can look forward to a future of your kids growing up and bailing out as soon as they are able to, and you hardly seeing them. They won't want their children anywhere near him either. Your 'hes ok sometimes' won't wash.

It's often the case that we assume our children don't 'see' us as we are; that they don't remember parent making them anxious and miserable. But, they do see and remember. & in future theres nothing to say they won't ask you why you didn't leave and take them with you. It happens.

You'll be left stuck with a moany, snappish bully of a man that you gave your good years to and now have to enter into a miserable old age with. Life's too short for that mess.

He's no respect for you, the children, or himself for that matter. I hope you get yourself and the children away from him. I feel sorry for them - to a child, parents and home is their 'safe place', and their father is disrupting that. What sort of romantic relationships do you imagine they will form in the future? This is setting them up for failure. Not to mention lacking in confidence.

Another example is when my 8 year old DD had not been doing as asked and was trying to put across her point he snapped "shut up". She was really upset and asked me why it was OK for Daddy to tell her to shut up when she would get into trouble for speaking to people like that... I didn't know how to answer*

That your child asked you this and you didn't even answer is just sad. You could have answered with the truth that it's not ok. If you'd wanted to.

Sorry, but - all this for a man, in the 1 life we have?! You'll get more joy from your children than you'll ever get from him

I take your points on board.

Just for clarification I didn't just not answer my daughter I hugged her and told her I understood the way she felt.

He is on the road to destroying your childrens' self esteem.

Either he gets anger management counseling ASAP, like next week, or he leaves.

Your husband is a bully. Now he can no longer target you he has turned on the children.

I could have taken all the crap that my ex threw at me although I stood up for myself but once I realised he was starting on the kids as he wasn’t getting anywhere with me I left.

Show your children that you love them enough to protect them from their bully. You can’t do that in the same house as him, give them a safe loving home where they are free from fear of his behaviour.

If he is irritable with them it is very unlikely he will want 50/50 (although he will probably threaten that he does; they all do)

fwiw my ex is a much better dad now he only sees them once a week as he knows he can’t get away with it anymore.

"Just for clarification I didn't just not answer my daughter I hugged her and told her I understood the way she felt".

This is all well and good but its really not enough of a firm response. Your H is an inadequate bully and boor who has verbally bullied and otherwise demeaned you for years leading you to become inured to his abuses of you. If this was not enough he is now actively starting on your kids right in front of your very eyes.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. They've seen you already put up with this crap from their dad all too readily and now he is starting on them. As our children grow older, they tend to replicate relationships similar to what their parents modeled. As parents we’d never say we want our children to suffer or struggle in their relationships. Yet that’s the greater likelihood. It’s not what we say, but what we do that matters. Telling our children they deserve healthy, respectful, and loving partnerships isn’t taken to heart if we don’t have the courage to live up to our own words. What we model for them is very much what we might expect for them in their future relationships. If we want our offspring to have joyful and successful relationships, we need to provide them with the best example we possibly can. Living in mediocrity or worse burdens children with very confusing messages about relationships and happiness. It certainly instructs them that loving marriages and partnerships are not their birthright. It also makes me wonder what you also learnt about relationships when you were growing up.

You could not respond to your DD when she asked quite rightly why it was OK for Daddy to tell her to shut up when she would get into trouble for speaking to people like that... I didn't know how to answer. If that is not chilling you to the bone, what will?.

You trying to protect them from him will not succeed whilst you are all living under the same roof. Do you also really think he would want his children half the week; he may utter such threats (also done to keep you in line and otherwise cowered) but its unlikely he would want them around that much given also how he is treating them now. Their home is not the sanctuary it should be to them and their lives are already being disrupted.

You have a choice re this man, they do not. If you were to stay with him whose sake would it be for really - theirs or far more likely your own. It will not be somehow "easier" for you to stay with him and no obstacle to leaving is ultimately insurmountable.

He does not have an anger management problem either as he likely can and does control himself around other people like his work colleagues or the neighbours for instance. AM courses are NO answer for domestic violence which is also what is being described. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE. Seek legal advice (you do not have to act on this straight away but knowledge here is power) and contact Womens Aid here; get all this documented.

This is verbal and emotional abuse.