Do I leave?

[Minimouse16]

I’m married with one child, in my mid 30’s, and I don’t think I want to be in my marriage anymore.

I don’t love him anymore, I don't particularly even like him tbh. I’m not particularly unhappy (I have a good job and friends/family) but I don’t like being at home with him. I want to live on my own, with my child.

We basically have separate lives. I do 99% of the childcare, as well as working full time and doing all housework. At the weekends, he will go to the gym and watch sports on TV. It’s up to me to entertain/take our child out.

I guess my biggest issue is that I don’t really think he is a very nice person in general. An example of this, we were asked to help some friends move house a while ago. When I asked him, he said he couldn’t help because of his bad back. I said he could lift/carry things which aren’t heavy, he then said he just didn’t want to, because he likes to relax at the weekend. He won’t help a friend out, he won’t do anything unless it benefits him.

He is funny about money, if we argue about something he will normally throw in ‘well I pay for everything’ which isn’t even true anymore, he does earn more but our salaries are about 60/40. It makes me feel like I’m not contributing, but I am!

I guess I just keep flipping from I don’t want to be here anymore (living with him) to thinking maybe it’s better to stay for stability for our child and financially.

We have a mortgage and neither could buy the other out, so I think the only option would be to sell, and we would then have to live together in the house in the meantime which would be horrendous. I just feel a bit lost really.

Omg, this is exactly my situation. No advice but sending love. I am feeling soo trapped financially with the nursery fees and whether I will be able to afford a place to stay. I am late 30s. Can I ask how old is your child?

As for counselling with him. I honestly think you should give someone the chance to repair a relationship and not decide the whole future without any input from them. You married him so give him the chance to at least save it. If he refuses, that's on him. If it works, win win, if not you leave knowing you did the right thing.

My child is 3.

Would counselling help with my view/opinion of him though? I see your point that it’s fairer on him to try counselling first, I’m just not sure it’s going to change my feelings towards him.

If you don't even like him any more, then relationship counselling is a waste of time and money.

He sounds like he's opted out of family life already, so you might as well make the move. It's probably better to split while your child is small than drag it out disliking each other.

It's a rotten example of a relationship for your child anyway, if mummy does everything while dad is disengaged and does nothing at home.

He's made himself obsolete by letting you do everything. So now you know you can cope without him. Even better, he'd have to put effort in during his time with your DC, which could be good for both of them in the long run, and gives you a rest.
But before that, have a conversation, tell him you want to split up. See how he reacts. He will either accept it, or beg to change, in which case you have time to weigh up whether being a better husband and father has an affect on how you see him or not.

I think you should take some responsibility. There was no point getting married if you were not committed to the marriage itself as well as the partner. You have a child and owe your child the chance of growing up with both parents.

I'm not taking his side at all here BTW, he may well be entirely lazy and unlikeable and the marriage beyond saving. That isn't the point.

It sounds like she's taking all the responsibility - she works, she does all the childcare, does all the housework - how much more responsibility do you expect her to take on? She can't make him engage with her and their child.

I think that's pretty harsh. She's taking on pretty much all the responsibilities whilst being met with comments of well I paid for that when it isn't true.

If a friend is intentionally mean to you over and over again there becomes a point you do start to dislike them. It's no different in a relationship

No one else is in charge of how another person chooses to behave

I don't dispute that it very much sounds like she is taking on more of the daily responsibilities and he isn't pulling his weight.

The whole point of a marriage whether you do it for religious, romantic, or practical reasons or a mixture of these is that it is an over-arching commitment that you can't just walk away from. If you are prepared to split without making every effort not to go there (including marriage counselling etc...), then why did you bother getting married at all?

I am not the authority on the meaning of marriage, I am suggesting this bears consideration. Making that commitment (for me) would mean that I couldn't walk away in good conscience without feeling sure I had done everything I could to avoid needing to.