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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do I do about Dsis being aggressive?

6 replies

Springawakenings · 20/02/2023 07:36

Where do I beginning?
Dsis has always been volatile, she's sensitive to opinions, hasnt been able to hold a job because of conflicts with staff or her boss. My DM tiptoes around her because she's worried Dsis will stop her seeing her grandchildren.

Dsis has 2 children both under 3. She has a partner who she's been with for almost 10 years. Their relationship has always been up and down. Always big arguments. They both wind each other up, play petty games to get at each other. Since her children have arrived I've found their relationship is worse (obv have kids is hard work) but it seems her anger has become harder to control.

About a year ago she punched her DP in the nose during an argument. I'm not sure if the DC where there or not. The other day I went round to drop something off and she told me so casually in front of the DC that she had lost her temper and grabbed her DP hair in an argument and was aggressive. I was shocked and told her she couldn't do that to which she replied I know. I asked if DC were there and she said yes they saw it. It became awkward and I left. I was so upset, I feel so bad for the DC. Me and my Dsis were those kids growing up we saw our parents being aggressive to each other and screaming at each other. It scared us so much. And now the cycle is repeating with her. I get she was being reactive to her DP belittling her but still violence shouldn't be the answer.
I spoke to my DM and asked if she knew she said she did and was trying to minimise it. I think she thinks it's ok because her and my DF used to be this way.
They don't realise the damage it did to me and Dsis. And now my poor nephew and niece are having to go through this. I do want to report this because I do think she needs help but if I report I will be outcast from my family as it will be clear its from me. If I lose contact with my Dsis how can I keep an eye on mu niece and nephew.
I just don't know what to do for the best....

OP posts:
Original poster
Springawakenings · 20/02/2023 07:36

Where do I begin* sorry for any typos writing this quickly

OP posts:
ShakespearesBlister · 20/02/2023 08:30

It's pretty clear the children are already growing up witnessing what their mother grew up witnessing. If you genuinely want to do something about it then you need to accept that your relationship with her can't be the same now. Remind her what you both witnessed your own parents doing in front of you and tell her you can't be around her if she's doing the same thing to her own kids. You're probably not going to see them again anyway afterwards so you will not have much to lose by reporting it. Does your mum recognise the damage her relationship with your dad caused to you both? If you can get her to stop tip toeing around she could be key to getting through to your sister.

CalistoNoSolo · 20/02/2023 08:36

I couldn't have any kind of relationship with someone this violent and abusive. What happens if its one of her children being punched next time she loses it? I would absolutely report to police and SS and I would tell her exactly why. She's not fit to be a parent.

billyt · 20/02/2023 09:00

I'd happily lose contact with anyone if I knew I was protecting their children.

I'd report anyone in a heartbeat.

We too grew up in a violent household. Hated going 'home'.

BeachBlondey · 20/02/2023 09:27

Gave me chills reading this, because I am in the exact same situation. My sister is incredibly volatile, and has been for decades. I had a thread on here about it a while ago. She also has a son and daughter, who see a lot of what goes on. Her DH (thankfully) is very calm and doesn't argue, so he calms her down somewhat, but he is also her enabler, because he won't challenge her behaviour, and sides with her, no matter who is in the wrong.

Growing up, our parents were the same, and my sister has taken up the baton, so to speak. She has ruined more family events than I can remember. She also hospitalised me once, as she was screaming so much in my face, that I had a full blown panic attack. She has also had tribunals at work for her aggression towards colleagues, which included threatening to punch someone in the face, and also accusing someone of sexual harassment when it wasn't true (her DH doesn't know about this).

She has made up several lies about me over the years, and I have no idea why. Also, whenever I did anything nice for her, she would try to find "the angle". How was this thing wrong, for eg, I sent her flowers for her birthday, but that "wasn't thoughtful enough". I've got hundreds of examples.

A couple of years ago, she was sending me several abusive texts a day, and I snapped and went NC. After 30 years, I just could not take anymore.

I now cannot see my niece and nephew. When I went NC, she sent me one message asking if I could keep in touch with them. I sent her DH a text asking for him to facilitate this, via facetime. He said No. When I was in their town a few months later, I asked (via my Dad), if I could take my niece and nephew out for the day, the answer was No. So, what can you do? I know for a fact, that in her eyes, all blame for lack of contact with niece and nephew will be my fault in her because that's how she twists things.

I live a very peaceful life, hardly ever argue with DH, and never argue with my DC. There is no way, I'm continuing the cycle that I grew up in.

You might not be ready to detach yet, but I suspect that you will eventually have to, for your own sanity.

Original poster
Springawakenings · 20/02/2023 13:26

BeachBlondey · 20/02/2023 09:27

Gave me chills reading this, because I am in the exact same situation. My sister is incredibly volatile, and has been for decades. I had a thread on here about it a while ago. She also has a son and daughter, who see a lot of what goes on. Her DH (thankfully) is very calm and doesn't argue, so he calms her down somewhat, but he is also her enabler, because he won't challenge her behaviour, and sides with her, no matter who is in the wrong.

Growing up, our parents were the same, and my sister has taken up the baton, so to speak. She has ruined more family events than I can remember. She also hospitalised me once, as she was screaming so much in my face, that I had a full blown panic attack. She has also had tribunals at work for her aggression towards colleagues, which included threatening to punch someone in the face, and also accusing someone of sexual harassment when it wasn't true (her DH doesn't know about this).

She has made up several lies about me over the years, and I have no idea why. Also, whenever I did anything nice for her, she would try to find "the angle". How was this thing wrong, for eg, I sent her flowers for her birthday, but that "wasn't thoughtful enough". I've got hundreds of examples.

A couple of years ago, she was sending me several abusive texts a day, and I snapped and went NC. After 30 years, I just could not take anymore.

I now cannot see my niece and nephew. When I went NC, she sent me one message asking if I could keep in touch with them. I sent her DH a text asking for him to facilitate this, via facetime. He said No. When I was in their town a few months later, I asked (via my Dad), if I could take my niece and nephew out for the day, the answer was No. So, what can you do? I know for a fact, that in her eyes, all blame for lack of contact with niece and nephew will be my fault in her because that's how she twists things.

I live a very peaceful life, hardly ever argue with DH, and never argue with my DC. There is no way, I'm continuing the cycle that I grew up in.

You might not be ready to detach yet, but I suspect that you will eventually have to, for your own sanity.

Thank you, I don't think i've spoken to someone who gets it or has been through similar. It did make me well up reading this.

It's so tough. My niece and nephew are only still so small and I just want to help them but what can I do other than report my Dsis. I too have broken the cycle. Have so much counselling and trying to understand the dynamics of a toxic family. I've been in bad relationships myself but left because I knew it wasn't ok. I just wish my Dsis could see the damage she's causing.
She can be nice and caring but when they anger hits she's hideous. Saying that though she's tried to make money out of my kindness before so I do question her morals.

I guess i'm not quite at the point of NC but I feel i'm heading that way. I just know my DM will side with my Dsis because of the power she holds over my DM. Which is so sad and sad for my DS. It's just all such a mess and it's my niece and nephew who I feel for the most.

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