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Original poster

Rekindle after divorce?

13 replies

Ola123 · 20/02/2023 01:03

Hi All.
Quick snippet of my dilemma1
I Left him 5 years ago. Divorce final 1 year ago. Completed therepy. New life with the kids, business and new home. Reconnected again albeit long distance (overseas). Its been ok since he is not physically in my space. He wants to move to our new town and eventually into my new house. What should I do?
In the last year since the divorce and reconnect, he has visited in total for 10 days only. Next visit is to 'help' me move in. Other than that no real connection accept for daily phone calls. All i can think about is why i divorced him in the first place the mundane of cleaning and cooking for him and him falling asleep on the sofa nearly every night for years. the journey it took to heal and not wanting to go back to that. However being connected to him again feels easier as its the kids father and phone calls are just that really.
What would you do ??

OP posts:
NovelFarmer · 20/02/2023 01:20

He will be on his best behaviour for a few months then his behaviour will revert to his natural messy state.
Same with the cooking. Same with the naps.
I think you need to work out a way if you wanted to rekindle things, for you to both get your way.
Maybe he pays for a cleaner, laundry and for takeout so many times a week.
If he’s not willing to come up with proper solutions other than empty promises to get his foot in the door I wouldn’t do it.
It’s great if he moves to your town and the kids see him more often, but I’d be wary of him moving into your home and the kids getting their hopes up that it will be permanent.

Opentooffers · 20/02/2023 01:56

Draw the line at him moving in unless you want a future like your past.

Successgirl2022 · 20/02/2023 02:18

What changes is he prepared to make in sharing cooking & cleaning?

Successgirl2022 · 20/02/2023 02:19

I wouldn't divorce my husband for that reason as he earns twice as much as me and is forgiven to get involved with it less)

user1478172746 · 20/02/2023 04:47

It would be better for all if he lived in the same town, but in his own home. You can have good relationships that way, without old quarrels and feeling as his servant. He can give you breaks by taking children to his home regularly. So your condition can be living apart together. I do that right now, it works ok. Don't give up your earned freedom! :)

Zanatdy · 20/02/2023 05:19

I wouldn’t go back there. What will change? You need to remember why you divorced him in the first place

Original poster
Ola123 · 20/02/2023 11:16

Thanks for your great strategies. However he will always say 'no need, i will do it. Just leave it there'. And thats where it will always end up while i watch him fall asleep after dinner on the sofa then work the next day etc . Which equals messy house which results in my stress levels rising. It was always the cycle. Your right, the promises are repeated but i will never truly know until he is here, then no turning back. His immigrating here to rent a room but his plan is to pretty much have that rented room to esthablish himself in the UK and spend all his days and nights with us. Feels me with dread. His already telling me what kind of art work he would like on the walls. Also giving unsolicited advice about my choice of kitchen and appliances. I already resent that. Its MY home not his.

Thanks again

OP posts:
Original poster
Ola123 · 20/02/2023 11:19

Being a single mum to three is damn hard but ive gotten used to my own space. My terms my rules and no one to answer to or grown man to tidy up after and needs extra attention (extreme attention)

OP posts:
Original poster
Ola123 · 20/02/2023 11:23

Are you both back together but live separately. That sounds like the dream. Even to have time where he has the kids. In my case i dont get any help with childcare or the last years. He has tajen them out for 2 hours and thats it. Thats why i resent the thought of a relationship. No break then having to take care of a grown man

OP posts:
Original poster
Ola123 · 20/02/2023 11:25

Successgirl2022 · 20/02/2023 02:18

What changes is he prepared to make in sharing cooking & cleaning?

He said he would cook, if i help him🤦🏼‍♀️. ( he can cook btw)

OP posts:
Original poster
Ola123 · 20/02/2023 11:27

Zanatdy · 20/02/2023 05:19

I wouldn’t go back there. What will change? You need to remember why you divorced him in the first place

Keep telling myself that. The kids are stable and happy so far our home is pretty relaxing. Arguments may through the energy right off

OP posts:
Original poster
Ola123 · 20/02/2023 11:29

user1478172746 · 20/02/2023 04:47

It would be better for all if he lived in the same town, but in his own home. You can have good relationships that way, without old quarrels and feeling as his servant. He can give you breaks by taking children to his home regularly. So your condition can be living apart together. I do that right now, it works ok. Don't give up your earned freedom! :)

Are you both back together but live separately? That sounds like the dream. Even to have time where he has the kids. In my case i dont get any help with childcare or the last 5 years. He has taken them out for 2 hours and thats it. Thats why i resent the thought of a relationship. No break then having to take care of a grown man

OP posts:
Grandmasword · 20/02/2023 14:58

Why would you want ao little for yourself? Like others have said he is going to be on his best behaviour. If you let him back in he will be in your house, eating your food, using your electricity and water, and getting all the benefits of a prior relationship but without the marriage, he will have it so cushy. Say no, simple.

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