Just need to tell the truth about my relationship to someone

[TruthTime]

Not sure why I’m starting this thread, but I just need to get it out. name changed for obvious reasons. This will probably be long

Been with BF for 5 years. Don’t live together, I had a DD who is 9. He gets on well with her but is by no means a step dad, she has a very involved father.

Discussed living together on several occasions and looked at a couple of places but never moved forward. Same with marriage. I want to get married, he says he does too.

best friends, laugh constantly. So, so supportive, he is literally my rock. My favourite person ever. Fancy the arse of him. Get on great with all his family But always felt like I’m not really apart of his family if that makes sense? He gets on brilliantly with my, has become best mates with my brother. Get on with each others friends, each others biggest confidante and cheerleader. He is kind and generous to me, makes me breakfast in bed every day, makes a huge effort at birthdays etc but also small things like putting my pyjamas on the radiator after a bath.

we don’t have sex. Well, we do but rarely. Not sure why, brought it up a few times but stopped now. When we have sex it’s good, but sometimes I feel like we’ll never ever have sex again. Then we do and everything is right with the world again. Very touchy feely. My friends all say how lucky I am, and I am in many ways we see eachother 5/6 times a week, go away a lot. Love being busy but equally love just chilling out on the settee.

compatible in so many ways and yet incompatible in many others.

I can’t imagine my life without him. But at the same time. I can’t see where we go from here.

sometimes I feel like I really annoy him but then I’m not sure if that’s my feelings of self loathing?

anyway this is making no sense. I just feel at a crossroads right now and not sure where I go from here, he’s the love of my life but at the same time… but then I think about HIM having these thoughts about ME and I feel truly sick to my stomach? Not sure what I want but I’m lying in bed and just needed to get it out

Have you tried discussing it more? If it’s a issue and he is your best friend? Does he have a low sex drive or is it something else?

What is the reason for the lack of sex? Assume it’s on his part? You need to have an open and honest conversation about it, let him know how it makes you feel. If my bf didn’t want to have sex with me I’d be very hurt. We are in the honeymoon period as only been 3 months so have a lot of sex which will no doubt calm done with time. But I know I’d feel very unwanted / insecure if he didn’t want sex with me. Even with all the other things you describe. He sounds very attentive and loving, but there’s a big elephant in the room and you need to address it

It sounds as though your question is whether you are happy to go on with your bf as a bff and sort out your physical needs yourself, or whether you both address the issue and stay friends, but let each other look for a new partner. You need to recognise that the new partner will, and should become The Most Important Person in each of your lives! He sounds more like a bestie than a boyfriend to be honest.

Good luck, there are more adventures out there!

He sounds brilliant on many levels

but the no sex ? That’s going to eat at you and never stop niggling
and it’s not an easy thing to discuss or to address

on the one hand he’s part of your life now and a split will devastate you I’m sure

but how’s this issue of no sex going to feel months and years down the line ?

Ask him where he sees your relationship in say for example 5 years.You might hear something that makes sense to you.Also you will get an idea of his true intentions,Then you can decide. I would ask about life in general before this big question first, so where does he see his career,or where would he choose to live in an ideal word maybe..start light over coffee maybe, just say some one asked you where you would be in your life in 5 yrs,you thought it was an interesting question so you decided to ask him.

Does he want a child of his own?

All the nice things he does for you...breakfast in bed, warming up pyjamas etc - they are meant to distract you from the real problem: little to no sex.
Because how can you complain about him when he is being so nice? How can you even think of leaving him? He is doing all these things for you!

It's a bit of an overcompensation in this case, I am sure of it.

I was in a relationship with someone and didn’t have sex for 5 years. It killed my confidence. I am now with someone who does little nice things for me like you describe and we DO have sex as well. The two don’t have to be mutually exclusive.
He also doesn’t seem to want to move your relationship forward. I think it’s time to decide whether you are happy with this or whether you want more.

It doesn't sound like you are getting your needs met. You're not compatible

Thanks for the responses, sorry it’s taken so long to reply I’m on a run of nights and I don’t know my own name at this point!

When we first met we had sex constantly, if anything too much. We’ve spoken about it before, on 2/3 occasions, once he even said ‘we can have sex now if that’ll make you feel better’ which obviously totally killed my mood. And part of me is also like, constantly bringing it up is a killer, he should WANT to.

Sometimes we’ll be having the best day then suddenly it’ll hit me, that we’re not a normal couple are we? It almost feels like it’s not really real, does that make sense?

He doesn’t want any kids which is fine, I’m happy with my DD but we’re young enough that if he changed his mind we (hopefully!!) could.

It is right that our lives are so intertwined now that a split would break my heart and I don’t think I would ever ever get over it. I literally can’t imagine it. But can I imagine living like this forever? No of course not.

I’ll talk to him again, it’s so difficult though as something always gets in the way. We’ve got a holiday to the states in April for his sisters wedding, I’m a bridesmaid so already I’m thinking welllll don’t want to rock the boat before then, then we’ve got another holiday in the summer for his dads 60th birthday, so then I’m thinking well let’s wait until after that. Which I suppose is because I know it might be make or break for us. I sound pathetic don’t I? What astonishes me is that I had a really abusive relationship (prior to having DS), I literally had to quit my whole life to get away and I was SO strong, so strong and sure of myself and now I think god that girl would look at me now and pity me. But I really do love him 😔

Anyway this is my 5th (and last thankfully) night in a row, so I’m delirious and rambling nonsense!

DD not DS

I totally get that this is very daunting. When I broke up my relationship because of the no sex and not moving forward much, I felt that I lost everything. Our friends were mutual, his mum had become a mum to me, but I was 35 and felt like a passenger in my own life. I felt that my voice wasn’t heard. I brought up the sex issue a few times but he had no answer for me. I felt that maybe we didn’t have sex because he really wanted to avoid having kids.

I’m now 38 and 6 months pregnant with my fiancé. The relationship is totally different than the previous one. Maybe we don’t have the same sense of humour 100% or the same hobbies, but this is a guy that fancies me and wanted to move our relationship forward, discusses the future with me and I love him very much. This has made a huge difference to how I feel as a woman and I really wish the same for you. You deserve more.

Don't put off bringing up the subject and having a full and frank discussion about it. There will always be other significant events on the calendar to cause you to delay.
He sounds a nice, caring guy but more like a best friend rather than a lover. Sex and being desired is important to you and you are not getting your needs met which will wear you down and really damage your self esteem. It's already an issue which is why you are having these feelings, you mention self loathing which is a very strong and unhealthy term to use about yourself.
Don't wait any longer to speak to him and be clear that unless he actually fancies you and wants to have sex with you then this is a deal breaker no matter how well you get on.

Unfortunately, whatever you say, it is very unlikely to change for the better. You may get a short term lift but it will revert back. It always does. He either has a very low libido, gets bored after the initial honeymoon stage or has other issues that he isn’t prepared to address. Unless he does then nothing will change.

sometimes I feel like I really annoy him but then I'm not sure if that's my feelings of self loathing?

Self loathing? Why do you feel that way about yourself? I can't help wondering whether this is perhaps the crux of the matter, and that maybe you need some professional support to help you deal with it.

@Fmlgirl your situation sounds exactly like my situation. I’m so glad it all worked out for you ♥️

I do have low self esteem, I think my relationship is slowly chipping away, no sex and no engagement just makes me doubt every single fraction of myself. The other night I was thinking does he really care about me? Deep down? Because I’ve told him how I feel several times, he makes all the right noises but nothing changes so really, it’s easy to make someone a cup of coffee or hold their hand when they’re crying (had a really really tough year with work/bereavements) but when it comes down to nitty gritty maybe he just doesn’t care?

I know what I need to do, I feel it in my heart. I’m going to talk to him again, not sure what I’m going to say. I don’t want to give any ultimatums at all because they don’t work but I need to be totally clear as to where my line is and that I’m seriously close to reaching it