Closure

[Whatabootit]

My relationship broke up unexpectedly a few months ago and I was doing ok, still thinking about him a lot but doing ok.
He would contact me every week or so but I never took much notice. A few weeks ago however I did say I wanted to have a conversation so I could get closure, he agreed but I wasn't available when he suggested.
I have asked a couple more times and he has had x or y on so we haven't had the conversation. I am having a more difficult day today and have messaged saying please have respect and have this one last conversation but he has read but not replied.
What the fuck, one conversation isn't going to take hours. He's never online these days so it's taken him about 9 hours to read it in the first place, despite having a bloody watch that notifies him. Ugh I'm just ranting.

I think sometimes you have to accept that you can’t always get closure. Relationships end messily. I do understand the frustration though.

Trying to maintain contact is not allowing you to start to move on as you are just picking at the scab of the relationship and will be unable to start to heal.

It is hard, but you have to draw a line under it. Look forward not back.

OP, the problem is that you want to have this conversation and feel that it would help you, but maybe he doesn't. Maybe he thinks that it would be painful and he would feel worse afterwards than before. I don't think that by not agreeing to this he is necessarily showing a lack of respect for you. It is reasonable for him to consider his own emotional needs and boundaries in this situation.

we haven't had the conversation.

Closure isn't something somebody else can bestow upon you, he can't "give" you closure by having one more conversation with you. No magic box will be ticked, you wont breathe a huge sigh of relief.

You can however use this as a reason to keep engaging with him, instead of accepting the situation is what it is, and closing the door on the relationship, which sounds like it's very much over.

Acceptance is something you have control over, choose that instead.

I've since found out he cheated on me. Clearly the reason he wasn't for engaging and explaining his very strange behaviour.

Oh no OP, that's rubbish hope you are ok.

That's horrible.
In a way that is your closure now at least.
He wasn't trustworthy and was too cowardly to let you know. This was the person you were in a relationship with but aren't anymore.
Further discussion would be as likely to make things worse as better.

He doesn't owe you anything, not even one conversation, whether he'd cheated or not.

It's cowardly to end a relationship in this way, but it's closure in itself. That's your closure: 'He's coward, and I don't want a relationship with a coward, so that's the end of that.'

It is absolutely my closure and actually what I had expected. With the person I suspected.

I am glad I now know the truth rather than the list of vague cop outs and clichés he was reeling out to me.

That's the thing, it's rare to get any closure when cheating is the reason. All you'll get is weak excuses and lies that confuse all the more. Glad you found out and it has lifted the fog. Hopefully you can move on now.

It's a waste of time asking for closure from them, they're rarely going to be honest.

I’m sorry about this revelation. It’s really shitty.

Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), closure is something you can only get from yourself, not from another person. A few years ago, my mum decided she wanted nothing more to do with me. She told people who knew us a bunch of completely made up but horrible stuff Dh and I had supposedly done to her (which had never happened, including having stolen several £100k!) to explain why she had no relationship with her grandchildren anymore. It’s been awful, but nothing she could say now could ever make it better or explain why she’s done all this awful stuff she’s done.

It’s not the same, but I’ve gotten closure by moving on and living my best life and leaving her to it.

If a man wants you, loves you and cherishes you he will be in your life and you will feel secure, happy and confident. If he doesn't... you won't. No bullshit, no dramas and no hurt. That's closure. Nothing else is relevant x

The fact I know he cheated is closure for me, yes it's shit but it explains why he ended the relationship. Before I knew he cheated I had nothing to go on just the standard I love you but I'm not in love with you, I need to be on my own, you deserve better etc. so that fact that this has come out has answered ally questions. I think if I wanted closure as to why he cheated things would be very different but I wanted to know why he ended things out of the blue. This is absolute confirmation of the reason for that.

Good luck to them anyway, they have both cheated so hardly a good start to a relationship!

I hope you're ok op.
Betrayal is horrible and I hope you find peace while you recover and hopefully someone with better character in time.

I don't get this expecting closure from someone else.

They're never or very rarely honest.

It's the sign of a healthy relationship coming to a healthy end. Many relationships don't end like that.

I agree, I personally don't think it is unreasonable to ask the other person why they walked away from a relationship that lasted a number of years for no apparent reason with numerous loose ends left.

Of course, I know the reason now and am therefore satisfied, despite him personally not admitting it. It's just common decency to give the other person a reason for the end and answers to their questions.

It's not unreasonable to ask. You will rarely get an honest answer.

You just figure it out like the op here did.

I don't think he can give you closure. You will have to do that by yourself. Is it that you want answers. You might not like what you hear. Or can you even be sure it's the truth. He seems to be avoiding this conversation.