Worst St Valentines ever recorded

[lemonbabe]

Be interested to see what anyone makes of this …. Night before St V am sat at the table eating with my DP, DD and SD. DP turns to his daughter and asks what she’d like to eat tomorrow (tomorrow being St V). She looks at him a bit bewildered and says she will be spending the evening with her BF. I realise that DP has completely zapped the feast day of lovers and say ‘oops looks like you’ve forgotten, guess we’re not celebrating then’, to which he replies in annoyed tone ‘ I haven’t forgotten and proceeds to ask my DD what she’d like to eat. She says she doesn’t know -then he asks me ( last AND feckin least). I was so annoyed at this point I replied ´I couldn’t care less’.

Next day I give him some little presis and then start working at PC. He comes and asks why I’m being cold to which I say well you kind of insulted me last night at the dinner table, I’m hurt to be honest. He says ´well our relationship is in such a miserable state I didn’t see the point. You’ve made little effort for the past 6 months so it’s not surprising ´. I was literally floored and told him I had no idea he thought this and I couldn’t even see why he would say this. I started crying and said I was very shocked and sad that he felt this way.

He left the house and 15mins later sends me a msge, ´After thinking that’s not what I wanted to say, I think I need reassurance from you’. He then pitches up with a bouquet of roses which quite frankly I could’ve wrapped around his head.

We’ve been bickering ever since. AIBU??

Have you addressed what he meant by you making no effort/ he needs reassurance?
Or has the bickering been about other things?

Sounds like you need a real conversation about how you both feel

We did talk -he has a massive need for attention in terms of kisses, cuddles, etc. This has always been the case, he knows that I don’t have that need but I do make an effort to give this attention even though it might not meet his hi expectations.

So he is saying he acted like an idiot about Valentine’s Day because you haven’t given him enough attention for 6 months?

He said he didn’t feel like making an effort because according to him our relationship is in such a bad state -me not giving him enough attention, etc. He then retracted that and said it’s not what he really meant.

So what did he really mean?

God only knows ! His message said ‘after thinking, that’s not what I meant, I think I just needed reassurance from you’ …. I am still so confused.

Sounds like you haven’t properly discussed this at all.
Have you asked ‘what reassurance do you need from me that caused you to ignore Valentine’s Day?’

Is this all nonsense to cover his embarrassment about forgetting Valentines Day?

That seems to be the only plausible solution tbh

Perhaps you’re just not compatible? If he feels you’re not particularly interested in displays of affection, then he may have concluded you’re not really into Valentines Day? What’s not clear from your post is whether his need for affection is taken to reasonable degrees? Eg does he want sex every day or more or is it several weeks since you last had sex?

He’s very needy I suppose. He needs a lot of attention -not just sex. I don’t need the same level of physical displays of affection but that’s not to say I don’t like being spoiled and looked after in all sorts of ways.

I don't get why you were annoyed on the first place, perhaps he was asking dd and sd first as he intended to buy you something each to have for dinner and just happened to ask them first. I don't think he was being cruel, in fact telling him you couldn't care less was pretty nasty, it would have upset me if I was planning buying a bottle of wine and something nice for my family for dinner. Why change the tone to be so negative? why not say 'as it's valentines day why don't you cook x I love that'?

He was probably still upset about what you said to him, being cold with him, then text to apologise because he doesn't actually want to fight about it.

If you're not meeting his needs and he's not meeting yours you need to talk. Be direct with what you want he's not a mind reader. He tried. He got you flowers that you also wanted to whack him with. Those were a peace offering and you wanted to wrap them around his head... you need to appreciate that he's trying, albeit misguided, to reach out to you. Sounds like you have a lot of walls up. And being upset that he asked your children what they wanted to eat first is ridiculous by the way.

Oh FFS. Take a massive step back. Mr ‘I need lots of attention’ forgot Valentine’s Day and you got annoyed, he couldn’t admit that he forgot and gets defensive by making up some bullshit to hurt you. Realises he’s messed up and bought you flowers to induce amnesia about his earlier twattery.

This is a perfect opportunity to reassess if this working for you. His want for ‘attention’ apparently is a stick he likes to beat you with whenever you call him out. Why are you prioritising this idiot, especially when going over your comfort zone to ‘reassure’ him gets thrown back in your face because he’s not man enough to admit he’s wrong. Urgh!

Don’t sweep this under the carpet!