How do I leave?

[puginamug]

I'm at my wit's end with DH and think ultimately I will have to leave.

I need time to prepare though, I think, or at least give him time to get some help.

Full background. I still love my husband and want it to work. But he drinks. Not everyday but every weekend. He drinks a lot and he drinks alone after I've gone to bed. Then he's in a filthy mood all weekend because he's hungover, and most of the week because he's shattered. He is constantly critical of everything and drags everything down.

Our son died a few years ago. It's been very difficult. He is grieving and this is how he is dealing with it.

I have stopped drinking apart from the odd glass of wine because I know I can't cope with things if I do.

He refuses to stop drinking, refuses any therapy or counselling, or really anything that might make things better.

It is starting to affect our surviving child who is a teenager and also fed up of his negative moods.

I don't feel mentally strong enough for a divorce, and don't want to put my other child through any more trauma. But we can't go on like this.

He is struggling but I can't help him. He is not helping me.

Also, I haven't worked properly since my son's death, and have about £20,000 credit card debt. I am self-employed.

I feel if I can pay this off and get to a position that I can afford the rent, then maybe I'd feel like I have choices.

But I'm so tired, and don't feel I have it in me. But he is making everything worse and making me feel even more exhausted. I'm literally doing the emotional lifting for all of us.

I don't know where to begin.

Ultimatum? Quietly prepare to leave? Do I need to be debt free to get a rental? Or will we have to sell the house while we are both living in it.

He just thinks life is shit and we'll go on like this forever but I can't.

I don't have advice, but bumping this for you, OP.

I’m so sorry for your devastating loss. Your DH is clearly using drink as a crutch and it’s a shame he won’t seek counselling.

Have you told him how you are feeling about the marriage and how his behaviour is affecting your other child?

I've tried to talk to him. Sometimes he admits it's a problem but other times he says it's fine.

He seems to think there is nothing else to be done.

He doesn't want to stop drinking.

I think he is in denial about it affecting our other child.

I’m so sorry - you’ve been through so much - he needs something to get through - does he have any siblings or good friends who might be able to get through to him and help him see he’s drinking too much?

So sorry to hear your son died, OP.

Can you earn more by getting a full-time job? Does your husband work too,? He must be spending a lot of money on alcohol.

You can get useful advice on paying off debts - contact National Debtline
www.nationaldebtline.org
Telephone: 0808 808 4000 ( I think this is a freephone number)
Fax: 0121 410 6230
Monday to Friday, 9am to 8pm
Saturday, 9:30am to 1pm

That’s a government recommendation, from www.gov.uk/national-debtline.

Don’t go to any of the loan sharks whose websites come up first when you google debt help.

Citizen’s Advice Bureau also has a lot of useful info.

Sending sympathy. Best of luck with it all.

That's part of the problem. His brother is useless and has given him a wide berth ever since.

He has good friends but he won't talk to them.

I’m so sorry for your loss.
You can’t carry your husband’s drinking. There is plenty of help available AA, his GP, there is often a local Alcohol and Drug dependency service with free counselling and advice. But HE has to get the help, he has to want to stop drinking and only he can choose to do it.
Give him the details of AA, his GP and anything you can find locally online. Written or printed. Tell him to get help. Then you’ve done enough.
CAB for debt help. Look after yourself and your DC.
Trying to support an alcoholic is draining, exhausting , destructive —- it nearly destroyed me. It’s time to look after you.