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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I give this new relationship a go or is there to many red flags...

29 replies

HappyBlueberry · 19/02/2023 11:07

Hey guys,
So almost 2 months ago I matched with a guy on a dating app.

We have a lot of common interests and similar backgrounds. I do like the guy, we can talk for hours on the phone. He asked me to be his girlfriend.

He seemed to be at the beginning very infatuated with me. Telling me how beautiful I am. Daily it was constant I love yous and he would call me up during my lunch to discuss our day. He has sent me poems and videos of himself reciting the poems. He declares his love for me and how he worries when I travel to work and home.

So here is the thing that is thinking I should give up on him.

*When I swiped on his profile he put in his profile he worked in a different industry then what he has told me he does in real life. (Which he did provide photos of him working at his current job)

*He told me since he found me he has deleted the dating the app we met on. That it is the only app he has been on. Yet I saw his profile on another app the time we were on the apps.

*When I suggested with adding each other on FB after a few weeks of contact, he told me he doesn't have FB (fair enough because there is people who don't have FB), however during one of our phone calls he said that he had seen on FB about a current news story.

*We have had plans to met (We live a long distance but it is doable for a day or weekend visit) and each time we plan to meet, he ends up cancelling on his end.
The last time we planned, he said he was ill and he sent a video and photos of himself looking ill and at the A and E so I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

*Our form of communication is texting, video clips, photos and an occasional phone call.

*Only once he has referred to me by name. Usually it is "babe", "hun", "Sweetie" "Baby."

*He shared photos of himself with a newborn baby and said the baby is his "friends" baby but the baby is in his bed with him. Then on the phone he said the baby is his cousin's girlfriend's baby. I could hear the baby crying in the background and the call took place around 9:30 PM.

A part of me is thinking red flags as I write this out but another part of me is giving him benefit of the doubt.

Should I let him go? As I said it has been almost eight weeks and we haven't met yet. Do I go back on apps and try again?

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 19/02/2023 11:11

Rather obviously, RUN.

Zanatdy · 19/02/2023 11:17

Red flags galore

bluetakkis · 19/02/2023 11:17

Jesus, all the tall tales and white lies alone spell trouble. Read what you've written back to yourself and you'll see the answer is obvious!

Aussiegirl123456 · 19/02/2023 11:20

Have you actually met him IRL?
I predict he’s married or in a relationship and the baby is his. You exist to stoke his ego. 🚩

JoanCandy · 19/02/2023 12:35

Block, delete. End of. He neither warrants nor deserves an explanation why.
Hope you have better luck next time, OP.

Crazypaving22 · 19/02/2023 12:38

Get out and stay out before you get very badly hurt. The flags are out in force with this one.

GreyCarpet · 19/02/2023 12:39

He tells you daily that he loves you and you've never even met?

He's lied about multiple things, including having a baby?

He cancels every plan to meet?

I think you should pursue it. You sound made for each other 🙄

KettrickenSmiled · 19/02/2023 12:42

What "relationship" do you think there is to "give a go" to?

You don't HAVE a relationship.
You have some crazed inadequate using you as a fantasy prop so that he can imagine he has a girlfriend.

Some random fucker you've never met is declaring undying lurve for you & reciting no doubt awful 'poetry' at you online. How have you not puked, or laughed yourself hoarse, at his antics yet?

FFS tell him "it's not working for me, good luck finding a g.f" & BLOCK HIM.

And maybe stay off dating sites while you do some reading up on what normal human relationships should feel like.

KettrickenSmiled · 19/02/2023 12:43

bluetakkis · 19/02/2023 11:17

Jesus, all the tall tales and white lies alone spell trouble. Read what you've written back to yourself and you'll see the answer is obvious!

There are no white lies here.

Just lies.

Mari9999 · 19/02/2023 12:55

You should have ended the contact when he asked you to be his " girlfriend. " That is such a 50s kind of thing to say to an adult female. It sounds very much like Johnny asking Susie to "go steady."

This along with all of the other inconsistencies should be a reason to end this electronic relationship.

Pinkbonbon · 19/02/2023 13:03

Gosh no.

He wasn't infatuated with you he was love bombing you.

FYI people telling you they love you fucking 2 minutes into dating - are mental. They are either emotionally disturbed or they are cluster b personalities trying to rush your attachment to them.

Run.

gelatogina · 19/02/2023 13:57

RUN AWAY

Livinghappy · 19/02/2023 14:10

How old are you both? How can someone claim to love you when you haven't met??

He is obviously a liar. Have you told family or friends about him?

ItchyBillco · 19/02/2023 14:27

I mean, it’s red flags as far as the eye can fucking see….

But this:

He shared photos of himself with a newborn baby and said the baby is his "friends" baby but the baby is in his bed with him. Then on the phone he said the baby is his cousin's girlfriend's baby. I could hear the baby crying in the background and the call took place around 9:30 PM.

suggests he not only is the biggest fucking liar, but he has a baby and is cheating on the mother of his brand new child and telling extreme lies.

If this is the case, he’s an absolute monster.

xfan · 19/02/2023 14:34

With all due respect Op, you seem a bit naïve to even contemplate that this could be s viable relationship

category12 · 19/02/2023 15:20

It's fortunate you haven't met.

This fish stinks, OP. Throw him back.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/02/2023 15:31

He has a baby and is a serial liar I think
sorry op x

Sparklesandsunshine1 · 19/02/2023 15:51

If a friend was telling you this about her new man What would you advise…… block & move on red flags galore!

Choconut · 19/02/2023 15:59

He's love bombed you to stop you questioning any of his lies. This is someone you've been talking to for a couple of months and there are about 5000 red flags. You need to call it a day.

blackbeardsballsack · 19/02/2023 15:59

Well obviously don't speak to the raging weirdo stranger any more, that's a given. Much more importantly, you urgently need to talk to someone or do something about the fact that you are even in this situation and having to ask the question because quite frankly you sound like a lamb to the slaughter and as if it would be incredibly easy for the next weirdo to manipulate you.

TrishM80 · 19/02/2023 16:05

This guy's got more red flags than the Chinese Communist Party.

mattyd · 19/02/2023 16:10

There's some rather obvious game playing going on here.

Fuckstix · 19/02/2023 16:21

Obviously abandon this communist May Day parade of red flags. Just block him, no biggie. He will realise you've cottoned onto his flagrant porkies.

Then when you start looking again, stick to nearer home. Depends where you are but I said absolute maximum an hour's travel otherwise it doesn't really give you much chance to get to know each other in person which is the essential bit. Everything beforehand is meaningless as each of you could be anyone.

Just don't let this become something it isn't in your imagination. You've got sucked into someone bored looking for a fantasy 'girlfriend' on the side. Not the end of the world, you were a bit naive but spotted the signs so won't make the same mistake twice.

MishaBukvic · 19/02/2023 17:43

So you've never met ?

And he's declaring love?
In two months ?

Oh my word , just block and move on .

Dery · 19/02/2023 22:26

“Well obviously don't speak to the raging weirdo stranger any more, that's a given. Much more importantly, you urgently need to talk to someone or do something about the fact that you are even in this situation and having to ask the question because quite frankly you sound like a lamb to the slaughter and as if it would be incredibly easy for the next weirdo to manipulate you.”

This. OP - it’s good that you’ve raised the issue of red flags - there’s so much that’s wrong here including declaring love, reading poetry and worrying about you going to and from work when you haven’t even met. This is huge love-bombing. But the fact you even had to ask makes me think you’re a bit vulnerable.

A few key points: (1) you have to meet people in person and regularly to build a meaningful connection from which love can grow - early declarations of love are based on fantasy and aren’t real; (2) trust is something which can only be earned over time; and (3) talk is easy - look at what someone does; in this case, he’s avoiding meeting you in person.

Please remember - you cannot begin to know who someone is until you have spent a lot of time with them and you don’t know if you can trust someone until you’ve spent a lot of time with them. There are a lot of bullshitters out there and a lot of men who will lie to women to get them into bed.

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