Ignoring comments made by mum?

[Pineapplestropical]

I had a fairly good relationship with my mum growing up. I have lots of good memories of good food, outings, treats. However i also have some bad memories of occasional smacking but later as a teen remember finding mum hard work, mainly being cross a lot if i didn't help with chores etc. Both her and my dad were quite negative people and swearing was the norm (still is) both generally and at the kids. Fast forward to getting married and having had my own kids. Shes got a good relationship with my kids and they love her a lot. However when we go to visit we usually stay 2 nights as its a bit of a distance. She finds it difficult i think with my kids in her house and the noise and mess they come with! She will make us a big breakfast then will say i wish someone would do that for me. Or when i needed help with the kids when they were babies she would say well i had to do it all by myself. Im trying to work out if these comments are just who she is and she doesn't mean to cause hurt by saying them. When i got married and moved away she would say things like everyone else has stayed near thier parents except for you. Surely, these comments are not nice? Or am i making a relatively small niggle about mum into a big thing? I still like to see her every 6 weeks or so and miss her if i don't. I guess my question is, should i stop focusing on these comments and just enjoy the 80 percent of nice mum that i have?! Im also worried about repeating this pattern of negativity with my own kids as they are getting older as i do find myself saying things like "well if you hadn't..." then catching myself. Anyone relate? Thanks.

I can relate, however I don't have a good as relationship as sound like you have the rest of the time.

I am only going by my own experience here, but my mum makes comments like this designed as hints/digs (however you want to word it). She will communicate by making passing comments instead of saying things directly.

Your mum's comment about you moving away is manipulative as she is guilt tripping you for not staying near her. This isn't fair as you are an adult and you shouldn't be made to feel bad for your life choices. Her comment aboutnthe breakfast was her trying to say she wants you to make her breakfast Your mum might not be intending to hurt you with her comments, but she is communicating something indirectly when she makes them.

As you have a good relationship with her otherwise, and the comments aren't all the time, you can choose to either let them not bother you and ignore them, or if your mum is approachable, talk to her calmly about them and see if you can get to the bottom of why she makes them. It isn't nice though and you shouldn't have to put up with comments. Ifnshebhas something to say she should say it like an adult.

I had a fairly good relationship with my mum growing up. I have lots of good memories of good food, outings, treats. However i also have some bad memories of occasional smacking but later as a teen remember finding mum hard work, mainly being cross a lot if i didn't help with chores etc

Ghana posted to soon!

What I was going to say was, that all sounds pretty normal to me.

I grew up with physical and emotional abuse and was terrified of my parents.

That sounds pretty normal. My daughter is 16 and I get cross with her too if she doesn't do her chores! I've never smacked but, again occasional smacking doesn't sound like you grew up in an abuse family.

As for her comments now. I suppose she is just expressing her thoughts and opinions.

Maybe her friends' adult children did stay closer and she misses you and her grandchilden. Maybe she would like it if occasionally someone offered to make her breakfast or a cup of tea. I know that, when I get home from work to find daughter has already made dinner for us both, it's the best feeling ever! How often did you ask for help or support when the children were little?

I wouldn't want anyone staying in my house furore than 2 days. Especially with young children. My son came home for 9 nights over Christmas. He's one person so I said nothing but, tbh, I was ready for him to go after 3 because having extra bodies in the house is hard work when you're not used to it.

Based on what you've said alone, I think you're turning fairly small niggles into a bit of a big thing.

I think staying aware of those traits in her that you don't want to inflict on your own children is a very good thing. Well done for stopping yourself when you start sounding like your mum.

No, they're not nice comments and negativity wears you down. She sounds a bit martyrish - no-one's making her make breakfast for you all presumably. I'd think about maybe staying somewhere else when you do visit if it's affordable.

I'd be tempted to challenge her a bit on it and see how that goes down - maybe she doesn't realise how it comes off.

@GreyCarpet As for her comments now. I suppose she is just expressing her thoughts and opinions.

She should express them directly like an adult then, not make passive aggressive comments. It isn't a small niggle someone passing comments making you feel guilty or hurt.

If it isn't all the time then I agree about not making it a big thing, but it needs addressed unless OP chooses to ignore it. The fact she has posted on MN suggests it bothers her enough to ask opinion though.

Have you ever made her breakfast,dinner ect whilst staying at her house ?
Or do you allow her to do it all.