I have been with my 2nd husband for 9 years. We met on line.
When we first met, my now husband was living in his parent's box room as he had separated from his first wife.
We had a long distance relationship for almost a year. He came to stay in my house every weekend, during which time he contributed nothing towards the bills, when the subject was brought up he said that he had the expense of the fuel he used driving to my house.
There were multiple red flags in the very early day, including him questioning when I was on facebook and when I had told him I would be too busy to chat and him questioning male friends commenting on my Facebook posts. During text conversations he would be demanding of my time and would make code comments about "feeling insecure" if I so much as mentioned any ma. It wasn't long before I stopped mentioning men. I soon lost touch with many of my friends. He would go into regular meltdowns over silly things, once because I had my phone number visible on Facebook, another time because he couldn't see my Facebook friends list.
At a new year party he made a big deal about me having a laugh with my friends' husbands, saying they had been "looking" at me.
Foolishly I agreed to allow him to move in with me after we had been together for around 10 months. There had been a huge argument prior to him moving in where he had a melt down because I had a garage conversion and said that I thought the new room would be a great space for my kids to hang out. After this I told him to stop applying for jobs near me, to slow down and I said I wanted to take a step back. He took a job anyway and guilt tripped me into letting him move in.
He also used coercive control to get me to agree to marrying him, despite my better judgement. He threatened to end the relationship if I could not marry him. I had assets in the way of a house with good equity, he had nothing.
When he did move in with me and my 3 kids, he wanted to pay 1/5th towards the bills because in his mindset I should pay for myself and my 3 kids and he should only pay for himself. After some discussion I asked him to move into his own place, at the time he admitted that he could not afford his own place due to the cost of the PCP payments he had to make for his car and the maintenance payments he had to pay for his 2 sons.
At this point, I have to say that I know that all of this sounds pathetic. I sound weak and useless. If I was reading this as an outsider I would be telling me to grow a backbone!
Coercive control is subtle though. It grows gradually. Half the time you find yourself using all of your energy defending yourself for the thing you did not do and you forget to anylise the behaviour of your accuser.
Around 5 years ago I decided that enough was enough, I tried to kick him out. He came up with thousands of excuses, including the death of his sister to avoid the inevitable.
5 years ago when I asked him to leave, he spoke to my daughter who was then 12. He cried in front of her and told her I had asked him to leave. He asked her for a hug and apologised for anything he might have done to hurt her. He then drove to my then 17 YO daughters' place of work and did pretty much the same thing.
Somehow, I really can't remember how, he managed to talk me around and get me to give him another chance.
To date he must be on his 1000th chance.
I've had enough.
Recently he suggested that the reason I keep asking him to leave and then seemingly forgetting about it is nothing to do with wanting to avoid the inevitable discomfort of having someone in my house who creates an atmosphere, and is in fact due to my depression and bi-polar. He said that he would agree to leave, but only if I sought professional help for my mental illness.
Initally I had an online session with a counsellor. She asked me if I felt I was in an abusive relationship.
It was such a relief to have someone else recognise what was going on. Up until that point I had been questioning my own sanity. I had been questioning whether he was right and I was just stuck in a negative mind frame or couldn't see how good we were together (insert whichever gaslighting technique works best)
I have since had 2 face to face sessions with a different counsellor. She has tried to reassure me that, despite what my husband says, I am not a narcissist and his behaviour is manipulative and controlling. His take is that I have been going into the sessions with a 1 sided sob story. He even managed to track her down and message her to try to arrange a session with her himself. She blocked him.
I have applied for a non-molestation order and an occupation order. I am awaiting a trial and waiting for my husband to be served with papers. I did apply for this in November, but I didn't serve the paper and knew it would be thrown out on a technicality so didn't follow it through.
A few days ago I found my husband's dating profile. It was hilarious. He is apparently a nice, easy going guy who wants a simple, drama free life. I'll translate, he wants a stepford wife who will do as she is told, when she is told and never question anything he ever does or says.
He has accused me of financial abuse and even said last night that I had physically abused him, I'm not sure if I've knocked him accidentally in my sleep, but that's about the only thing I can think of!
After I saw his profile, we got into a discussion. He said he didn't want anyone else and had only created that because he was lonely. In honesty, I had created one too. I had wanted to meet someone, I was lonely. I thought he might finally leave if he knew I had met someone else.
He asked me for a hug (I was lay in bed at this point), at first I said no, but then he asked again and I didn't feel as though I could say no. He got into bed with me, he was fully clothed. After a while he asked me for a kiss, I just asked "why" angrily, He rested his hand on me intimately. I lay still for a while, not saying anything and not moving. Eventually I rolled on to my stomach and moved as far from him as I could.
The following day I saw my counsellor. After speaking at length she pointed out that this was an abusive relationship, that I did;t need his permission to end the relationship and that I should try to avoid engaging with him.
I tried this for several days, then last night he told me that he had viewed a flat very close to my place of work. I ended up instigating a conversation about this and his coercive control. I recorded the conversations.
Listening back I am appalled.
He never allows me to make a single point. When I try to make a point he interrupts, if I continue with my point he says "excuse me, but I let you speak so now you need to let me speak" he gaslights mercilessly and projects back on to me, accusing me of the very things he is doing.
I feel guilty for taking up the time of the police and the courts in order to get him removed, but I do think it is vital to do so and it is only a matter of time before he gaslights me again.
He has been incredibly damaging to me, my children and the daughter we share together.
A few months ago, I had asked him to leave. I had done so by text because I find it so difficult to actually get a word in when I speak to him in person. He replied to my text saying "I'm in bit and so is M (our daught) I hope you're happy" When I got home my daughter was in a very sullen mood. When I spoke to her she told me that her Dad had told her that I wanted him to leave the house and he didn't want to. The following day she told me that her Dad had told her not to worry, that he was going nowhere.
I'm lost and don't know what to do.