Sorry its very long..
I've been with my dh for 22 years (married for 10 years coming up in May). I would say the first 12 years was not too bad, i enjoyed it, even though we were skint by the time my 3rd was born (i was a sahm with 3 dc for 10 years). But the last 10 years, Dhs self employed job (window cleaner) had never been great from day one for the past 15 years (he never had anything to show for it and we've struggled, esp with our mortgage which can go up to 3 months of no payments from companies that owes dh, then once he rcvd it, we have to pay the lot on the outstanding mortgage so we didnt see a penny of it!). We've argued alot about his job and we were permanently skint. So i decided to better myself, started working part time till i became a childminder full time in my home (since october so its early days). Dh always said that once i get my business up and running properly, he will leave his job and start looking for a regular paid job and then he want to start a brand new business to work from home. We were talking about it before Xmas, i was saying "how can you do that when you not got a single penny in your bank" (he never had money in his bank..only cos he was gambling for the past 10 years cos we were always arguing about his job, but he stopped that cos ive got my own business...i know i shouldve of divorced him but i didnt cos we've had problems with our 2 eldest with self harming etc). He need to jack his job in and get money behind him before he can start. He was all set to do it with an regular agency job then on the last minute, he decided that he want to stay in his window cleaning business, he saying that for years he looked after his family (me and the kids) and paid the bills which i said "barely!!" He didnt say anything back. He is trying to prove that he can do his business, ive told him for years that "its completely out of your control as youre struggling to get paid all the time!!" ..
as now im a better work position that i have in years, and my head is more clearer as for years i was on autopilot and had problems with my 2 eldest. One child still not quite better but is getting there. ive given him the ultimation, as i cant carry on being and feeling like this, see how his job goes till March/April, if no any better, he will quit. (If he won't quit, divorce 😞😞).
Im seeing some money coming in but not alot. As some weeks he have it and other weeks he not got it all (ive told him he needs to match my weekly wages).
I know i am not being selfish as all, all i want is us to be happy which he knows ive not been happy for years. I dream about us having money and able to plan things. I want more. He's happy go stay where he is even though hes grinding and breaking his teeth from stress and sleeping on the couch all the time. I cant be arse with sex as im far too tired. We dont go out cos we're too tired, too tired to do anything apart working and looking after the household and kids.
I know alot of you would say "walk away, get a divorce..etc"....
I miss us but im angry with him at the same time of what he put me through. We cant talk about our situation without rowing about it.
I dont know what will happen to us.