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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help me understand

17 replies

nc1013 · 18/02/2023 18:52

Looking for a bit of perspective....

Been with my dp 2 years and pregnant with our first dc.

Before we met both were single for years. Both had a lot of experience of OLD, but nothing serious for either of us for quite a while. This is relevant as during that period my DP started following a lot of attractive single girls on Instagram. He was single so this is fair enough.

I noticed as when he first added me on Insta I had a skim through his followers and it became obvious that 90% were a certain "type" - back then it was a small pink flag but after getting to know him I didn't think much about it.

He's not posted anything on social media for 3-4 years and says he doesn't see the point in it etc. and he doesn't place any importance on it. Any of his followers would probably be under the impression he's still single but given he's not posted anything g about his life at all, I put this down to him not using it in general rather than him not posting anything about me in particular.

He makes me feel so loved and cared for in every way but I still feel a bit funny at times about the amount of woman he follows how are posing in bikinis, pouting etc.

It all came to a head last night when he followed a new account of a very attractive girl that lives close to us.
When I asked him about Instagram he says he only uses it to look at things related to his hobby and funny memes etc

I finally admitted to looking at how he was following and noticed the new page he had followed.

He responded quite calmly and said he didn't realise I would read into things so much and as far as he's concerned it's harmless. Lots of reassurance about how he feels about me and dc etc.
I don't for a second believe he was about to physically cheat. I just can't get my head around the point of following her?

If it was simply eye candy then why not follow a celebrity or model?
I keep going over & over in my head - did he seek he particular page out? How did he come across it?

He's reassured me as much as he and thinks I'm thinking too deeply about it. He's unfollowed her too.

Would this still be a red flag to anyone else or is it my pregnancy hormones blowing it out of proportion? I also have a history of anxious attachment so part of me thinks it's a "me" issue. How would anyone else feel about it?

OP posts:

Original poster

nc1013 · 18/02/2023 18:56

Sorry it's so long!

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 18/02/2023 19:29

Hmm I do think its not great to follow people scantily dressed online when you're in a relationship. It's a bit disrespectful. Especially when it's people you may run into down your local, not celebs.

But he seems to have responded favorably when you told him how it made you feel.

I would be sitting him down and having a conversation with him about how it's probably not appropriate anymore to be following pages like that. That maybe it's time he give his social media a clean up. Ask him how he would feel if you started adding local men who were standing about in their pants in their pictures to your page. If he'd be comfortable with you liking their pictures. And if his friends and family saw you doing that.

Hopefully he will get the picture.

'Celebs fine. Local women, no'.

Original poster

nc1013 · 18/02/2023 19:31

Thanks @Pinkbonbon

My mind was going down the route that he was gaslighting me. Eg saying he doesn't look at women just hobbies and funny memes when he has literally just followed her in the last couple of days

He thinks I'm getting carried away and over thinking and I don't know what to think!

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BicycleLoaf · 18/02/2023 22:28

Quite dismissive of him to tell you you're overthinking imo, he should respect your boundaries.

Pinkbonbon · 18/02/2023 22:34

They are your feeling and you are entitled to them. Also perfectly fair feelings imo.

Original poster

nc1013 · 18/02/2023 22:43

I felt like he's turned it into me creating an issue.
I have definitely been guilty of over thinking in the past and now it's his "go to" answer for everything. I'm now feeling that he feels he hasn't done anything wrong but is trying to pacify me. Kinda like he's not done anything wrong but if I need reassurance he loves me, he'll give me that

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Original poster

nc1013 · 19/02/2023 11:37

Would anyone else be bothered about they "lying" part? Like when he said he only uses it to look at things related to his hobby and funny videos, he was making out that he didn't look at girls on it. I then had to mention a specific account he recently followed - there is no obvious connection or reason he'd follow it other than he finds her attractive.

If he thinks it's innocent then why lie about it? What else could he be lying about? He says he's never mentioned any other girl on Instagram since we met but if he lied about not following them how do I know he's not lying about this?

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Pinkbonbon · 19/02/2023 12:45

Hmm...it completely just have been a one off knee jerk follow.

Tbh the social media woth all these scantily clad women would have been a big red flag to me back when you first saw it and I wonder why you've overlooked it until now.

Rather than what other lies he's told I'd consider as a whole, what other things and behaviours you have just ignored or glossed over from him.

Did he for example, fail to suggest marriage before the baby? (Not saying you had to GET married but he should have discussed it with you as an option before mentioning kids or once you found out you were pregnant).

Neveragain85 · 19/02/2023 13:01

I wouldn't be able to tolerate lying in a relationship of any sorts

QueefQueen80s · 19/02/2023 13:38

Nah I hate this, even when he was single it says a lot about the man he is... sleazy. He'll be following teenagers on there when he's 50. Get rid!

Original poster

nc1013 · 19/02/2023 13:48

Pinkbonbon · 19/02/2023 12:45

Hmm...it completely just have been a one off knee jerk follow.

Tbh the social media woth all these scantily clad women would have been a big red flag to me back when you first saw it and I wonder why you've overlooked it until now.

Rather than what other lies he's told I'd consider as a whole, what other things and behaviours you have just ignored or glossed over from him.

That's the thing, social media aside he's very loving and devoted. Never given me cause for concern in terms of cheating or flirting with other women etc. Obviously no relationship is perfect but we are otherwise very happy and in love.

The pregnancy wasn't planned but as soon as we found out we were both over the moon and sooo happy. We'd discussed marriage previously, im divorced and not overly bothered but "never say never" type of attitude. He's never been married and seems slightly more keen than I do but not pushing for it. I earn slightly more and have more savings etc so no financial incentive for me (I don't have significantly more than him so that's not what he's after).

We had met in real life before I knew about all the other accounts he follows and he came across so differently than social media suggests. After a few dates I was very much "don't judge a person by their Instagram". He hasn't been following any new accounts or liking any girls pics since we met.....until this one.

I'm going round in circles thinking that he's changed and it's only one account in the last 2 years.....to the fact he's lied to me over it which is the bigger deal.

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Original poster

nc1013 · 19/02/2023 13:50

Neveragain85 · 19/02/2023 13:01

I wouldn't be able to tolerate lying in a relationship of any sorts

I have very strict boundaries about lying too. I just wonder if it's an over reaction to split up when there is a baby on the way and while he lied, I think he felt it would make life easier and hurt my feelings less.

Not justifying his behaviour, just explaining why I'm not already out the door

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Original poster

nc1013 · 19/02/2023 13:51

QueefQueen80s · 19/02/2023 13:38

Nah I hate this, even when he was single it says a lot about the man he is... sleazy. He'll be following teenagers on there when he's 50. Get rid!

That's my worry

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Original poster

nc1013 · 19/02/2023 13:52

@QueefQueen80s he's already early 40s but one thing I can say is that it's not much younger people he follows. They all look 30+

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QueefQueen80s · 19/02/2023 13:52

I fell in love with a man and then found out he was this type. It is who they are, deeply engrained. I got the ICK and it ruined it for me... it didn't matter how good he was in other ways.

Original poster

nc1013 · 19/02/2023 13:59

QueefQueen80s · 19/02/2023 13:52

I fell in love with a man and then found out he was this type. It is who they are, deeply engrained. I got the ICK and it ruined it for me... it didn't matter how good he was in other ways.

I worry I'm heading down this road! Was hoping I'd be told it was common and I was over reacting

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Pinkbonbon · 19/02/2023 14:09

You're not over reacting. But I'd be inclined to put a pin in it for now with the baby on the way.

That being said, I would also ask him how he would feel if I had a bunch if local, scantily clad men on my Instagram. And probably tell him it looks sleazy as fuck too.

Then 'anyway, let's say no more about it. Just think on it yourself'.

Keep an eye out for other red flags. But try not to worry yourself too much (Unless he acts like a prick about you calling him out on the online behaviour of course).

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