Promising date but so anxious

[Appleofmyeye05]

So I haven’t had the best history with dating and usually go for the same idiotic type. I’ve been single since 2020 and I have met a really nice guy on a dating app. He seems really genuine and we have been speaking for 2 weeks and finally met today.

I have opened up a little about my past relationship (abusive) and told him I find it hard to let my guard down and trust men after what I have been through and he has been really nice and understanding, told me we can take things as slow as I like and wants to make sure I’m not uncomfortable with anything, which I really like. But during our date I was terribly terribly anxious. To the point where I wanted to be sick. We went for a walk after some food and the thought of getting back in his car to go home was making me so anxious and even though I’ve been home 2 hours I’m still so anxious and I can’t seem to shift it.

I do like him, and usually I would of Sabotaged anyones efforts to actually meet me by now(partly because I believed that I wasn’t good enough) and he’s the first person I’ve let meet me in a while. I did have a brief relationship with a guy in April last year but he was the same idiotic type and I was anxiously attached to him but even though I feel anxious with this new guy I don’t feel attached.

has anyone else has these types of feelings when meeting someone who seems pretty normal and a ‘good’ guy after a traumatic relationship? I keep thinking maybe I’m in fight or flight mode because I don’t feel safe in my usual anxiously attached state if that makes sense?

any advice? X

Perhaps you need to do more work on yourself before dating. Have you had counselling?
It's not a good idea to be so open on a first date, they really don't need to be told why you want to take things slow, just respect your pace, whatever that is. Anything you do say can be used against you ( lol, sounds like being arrested). Really, a first date is a stranger, so telling about bad prior relationships is not guarding against abuse, its opening yourself up to possibly more of it. An abuser in waiting would use that as an indicator that you are vulnerable. A person who is used to more normal relationships would be wary of you, so there is nothing to gain from overhearing on a first date.

Oversharing

I agree with @Opentooffers, never share details of a previous abusive relationship early on as this can leave you vulnerable to more abuse. You dont know this man yet, he may seem nice and a 'good guy' but you need to feel you can trust him before you open up to him. Also, with safety in mind, it's not advisable to jump into a strangers car on a first date, it's best to organise your own transport and will help you feel safer and more in control.
I also think some counselling might help regarding your extreme anxiety around dating. As you previous relationship was abusive then support to help you navigate future relationships seems a wise move.

People have to earn your trust with their deeds and through time. It's not something you give, rather build together.

Someone may leave a good impression on you, however, that's not who that person may be.

What he'd be like, date 10? Look at his actions, not words. If someone is making you feel anxious, it's better to go out with someone who's not making you feel overwhelmed.

If you feel anxious, listen to your body, step back a bit, and rest a little. It's okay.

You shouldn't tell men you barely know about experiencing abuse. It makes you the ideal target for the wrong kind of man, and you don't yet know whether he's the wrong type of man or not.

That's stuff you might talk about way way down the line when you're really serious about a guy and he's demonstrated himself to be incredibly trustworthy and decent. It belongs with a counsellor or support group, not a potential boyfriend.

And as pp has said, you shouldn't be getting in a stranger's car on a first date. Always get yourself to and from early dates, and even have a safe call set up. I think your anxiety is telling you things and you should listen to it - you're being too trusting/open with a virtual stranger, and perhaps that you're not really ready to date yet.

Have you had any support or counselling following the abusive relationship? The Freedom Programme can be helpful.

Ah yes, you let him drive you home on a first date!! So does he also now know here you live too? Sorry but this all screams vulnerable.
You can say the words that you find it hard to let your guard down, but you have actually done the opposite on a first date and had no safeguards at all.
You might find you are less anxious with a man who doesn't ride over your boundaries. This man should not have offered to drive you home, or anywhere.
Were you anxious during the meal or was it finding yourself alone walking with him and getting in his car that did it - because that is your subconscious telling you that you should not be doing either on a first date. Don't ignore the anxiety, most people would of felt it, which is why you shouldn't do it for safety reasons.
Coffee is better as a first date, keep it in the public eye.

Sorry to add to the chorus but I agree you've work to do here. Have you had any therapy after your previous relationships? I know how much of a relief it feels when it feels like you might have finally found a goodun but it's not a good idea to take risks like car sharing on a first date or revealing that much detail about your past.

You might feel less anxious if you'd actually kept your guard up (whilst obviously getting to know the guy and having a good conversation).

Maybe you could try and see dates as more of a social thing to start with than giving them all of your trust and emotional history?

Don't rush. Protect yourself.