How long to get over someone…

[Fudgecookie4]

So I’ve managed to finally block my former fwb in the hopes of properly moving on. It had become messy emotionally and had gone on for around 2.5 yrs. All the while he had made it clear it was never going to become anything more. I do want a monogamous relationship so you could definitely say I was a fool for allowing things to go on so long…

I just didn’t feel I was ever going to be able to move on properly with this situation still there in the background, hence blocking. I can’t see how I can stay ‘just mates’ after everything. There’s just no closure with these situations.

So what I’m wondering is how long it’s going to take to get over this & properly move past it… Have I done the right thing? We got on well, but as I say, for me the dynamic was causing me so much stress and worry, and I would constantly be thinking about him, wondering if he would message me/when he might get in contact. It’s just a very messed up non ‘relationship’.

Thanks if you made it this far!

I’m 6 weeks in and feel LOADS better and had similar and was very distraught to start with
very very very

I watched a shit load of Matthew Hussey no contact videos

but you have to 10000% go no contact

keep busy

Thanks for your reply. That is really good to hear - glad you feel a lot better. I already feel a bit better actually, but I know that I must resist the urge to ruminate on stuff and the compulsion to unblock him. No good can come of it.

I like Matthew Hussey so I will check out some of those videos.

You're already on the right path out, you know you want more and it's never going to be with him, don't stay in contact. Date others until you find someone you like more and can give you what you want.

Thanks @winterbegone for the support. You’re so right. Why are there so many of these guys about? Total time wasters - won’t give you anything you want, but are also very happy to keep you there on the back burner permanently.. ugh… I need to pull my positively pants up and use what I’ve learned so I don’t repeat this mess…

Agree with @Thisisworsethananticpated . You totally have to go NC. You won’t start to recover unless he’s out of your life for a while. I learnt this the hard way - my first love and I went to the cinema ‘as friends’ about 2 weeks after he ended it. It was torture - sitting stiffly side by side when previously we would have been holding hands, having the odd snog etc. He and I did become comfortable friends but only after about a year. You need space and time to get him out of your heart and you can’t do that with him there.

Do you think it’s ever ok to unblock them, say in 3 months time / 6 months time…? Or at a date when you feel you have moved on or healed. Or is it just the case that you except it’s done. No future friendship allowed?..,

*accept! 😬

Social media didn’t exist when I was going through this. But don’t plan - just note what you’re doing: you’re already wondering when you can let him back in! You won’t recover that way! In truth, you should really only unblock him when you no longer care whether or not you hear from him in which case unblocking him will probably seem pointless.

Fudgecookie4

ruminate is fine
but no contact is critical

what happens is that they cease to exist which is mentally freeing
you miss them and think about them sure
bit you also see the stress go down

but you don’t get any hits or dopamine from them

every time you waver watch a YouTube video or draft (and consult !) a ‘things I don’t miss about them list ‘

honestly I was properly heartbroken 💔 BUT I also was when I was with him so 🤷‍♀️

By the time you feel ready to unblock
you won’t care about them anyway x
so let go of that one !!

@Fudgecookie4 do you mind if I ask how old you (and he ) are ?
I’ve got one of these that I don’t want to say goodbye to but some of your post really resonates and I wonder if my age is a factor in my indecision .

Yep, you are both completely right. My stress levels are just permanently up because of him and I have to bloody well put myself first. Can’t believe I’ve let things go on this long in all honestly… Thanks again. It helps to know I’m doing the right thing.

Hi @Celynfour
I’m 40 (old enough to know better?!) 3 years post separation from a long marriage.
He is a couple of years younger - we met on an app.

Fudgecookie4

the first one after divorce is often a mess
we have to learn , not repeat ! Try again when ready - whenever that may be

I echo previous posters' suggestions about going no contact. For good, for ever (most likely). It took me 2 years, the same length of time as the "situationship" itself. We'd tried on several attempts to remain friends but it just wasn't working, there was too much water under the bridge... For me it took a life changing experience (I had a child in the meantime, I'm a solo mum by choice) and a realisation that I simply cannot continue to have this person in my life any longer. I had someone else who needed my undivided attention. I appreciate not everyone will be in this position, but I mean you need a new focus in order to fully disengage.

Is he married ?

It sounds in this post that you are using this period to put an ultimatum to him.

3/6 month talk is not thinking of ending the relationship, it's manipulating the situation to get what you want.

I can tell you now, if you are using tactics to get him to miss you, this will backfire, his interest is going to decrease, that is why you are upset.

Start again, this man is not reliable enough and cannot give you what you want, which is exclusivity in one way or another.

Fudgecookie4

i was with mine a whole year
I finally re started therapy late 2022 , probably cos this situationship was majorly stressing me

I made myself a promise that if come January 2023 I was still stressing …

im trying to be happy single again x

@WidthofaLine no he isn’t married… never has been.

I agree first dip of toe in water post separation - not my finest hour. But many lessons learned.

@Thisisworsethananticpated good luck. That is my plan too. Just be happy on my own and if something happens, it happens.

@anthurium yes, you are right. And I think finally I’m ready to let him go for good. Feel empowered this time. I see him for what he is rather than what I wanted to see.

Also it wasn’t so much tactics as wondering if he could be friends still down the lines, but I honestly can’t see that working. Too much history and we were never friends to begin with. He just coined it ‘fwb’.