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Original poster

Being the other woman

28 replies

JustGraduated · 18/02/2023 17:34

Not really sure if I’m looking for advise or reassurance, either appreciated. Sorry for the long post.

I’ve had a few ONSs & if I’m comfortable with a guy I’ll go for it. A few weeks ago I was out and met up with a guy who was a bit older than me. He seemed really nice & was good looking to.

We’d been talking for over an hour when he asked if I wanted to go back to and I went for it. When we were talking he told me him & his wife had been divorced for over 2 years and he was totally single. I’d specifically made sure when he offered to buy me a drink.

The next morning just as I was about to leave who should turn up but his wife, not divorced but had been seeing family and come home earlier than he thought.

She was obviously distraught and furious and understandably told me to leave (the only the thing I wanted to do). But somehow she managed to find me on Facebook and asked me about what happened that night.

I told her what went on and that he told me he’d been divorced for years. As well as saying how sorry I was.

I still feel awful that this happened and blame myself even though I had no idea.

Am I at fault here or is there something I should have done differently?

Also, if the wife does decide to divorce him (she said she might) would I need to be involved in the process. (I don’t know how these things work and just want to move on)

OP posts:
5128gap · 18/02/2023 18:14

If you didn't know you didn't know.
All you can do differently next time is take a minute to check out the place. (Though its not a very safe thing to do to go back to their's anyway, but that's a different point.)
Very few homes have no sign of the occupants, shoes, coats in the hall, photographs, things on the dressing table and in the bathroom, and you may well have picked up that a woman lived there before it was too late.

Frazzledmummy123 · 18/02/2023 18:33

I doubt you would be involved in their divorce if they get one. I'd try your best to draw a line under this and move on.

It isn't your fault so don't blame yourself. I don't think there is anything you could have done differently, he told you he was divorced so why would you not believe him? You must have felt terrible when his wife came home, but he caused it. What a brass neck he had, taking you to the marital home and thinking he'd get away with it.

pog100 · 18/02/2023 18:33

No you didn't do anything wrong, he did, he deliberately lied to you, and we usually trust people. No, you would have nothing to do with any divorce proceedings, you can stop worrying about that.

nalabae · 18/02/2023 18:38

What’s an ONS?

if you didn’t know then it’s nothing on you

WidthofaLine · 18/02/2023 18:40

Were there really no clues at his home, I mean you don't need a huge family portait over the fireplace to conclude a home has a female touch to it.

But regardless, you have done nothing wrong, a one night stand, just be careful in future, hotels might be a safer bet with an unknown.

Frazzledmummy123 · 18/02/2023 18:44

nalabae · 18/02/2023 18:38

What’s an ONS?

if you didn’t know then it’s nothing on you

One night stand

Dery · 18/02/2023 18:47

You did nothing wrong but what you did was risky. I’ve had a couple of one night stands - both in hotel rooms where people saw me enter and the men I was with knew they had. Going back to the house of a guy you’ve just met seems like a huge risk to me. With strangers you have absolutely no way of knowing whether they’re lying or telling the truth or whether they’re safe or dangerous.

I don’t think you’d be any safer taking them to your place (probably less safe again) but I do think there’s some safety in you both checking into a hotel.

A certain type of man will lie to get you into bed so don’t rely on what you’re told by men you don’t know.

Mari9999 · 18/02/2023 19:11

When you go home with a man that you have known for only an hour, you should count yourself fortunate the only negative turned out to be that he had a wife.

Your behavior Is so risky.. I am not making any judgement about ONSs, but going home with a stranger is a dangerous practice.

OldFan · 18/02/2023 19:44

You could take a few months to get to know them and have more chance of finding out if they're lying before you let them have sex with you.

One like this might even have not stuck around very long at all for you to get to know him, as he was maybe just being opportunistic. The next time he was out he'dve chatted up someone else and told them the same lies.

Zanatdy · 18/02/2023 19:49

Mari9999 · 18/02/2023 19:11

When you go home with a man that you have known for only an hour, you should count yourself fortunate the only negative turned out to be that he had a wife.

Your behavior Is so risky.. I am not making any judgement about ONSs, but going home with a stranger is a dangerous practice.

100%. Be careful OP. Nothing wrong with a ONS but it is risky going home with people. Like you found out, he wasn’t who he said he was. Fortunately for you the worse that happened was he was married. It could have been a lot worse

Dery · 18/02/2023 20:23

“When you go home with a man that you have known for only an hour, you should count yourself fortunate the only negative turned out to be that he had a wife.

Your behavior Is so risky.. I am not making any judgement about ONSs, but going home with a stranger is a dangerous practice.”

I know I’ve already said this myself but @Mari9999 has put it so well. OP - has it really not occurred to you what a huge risk you’re taking going home with men you don’t know!? It doesn’t seem to have crossed your mind. Or do you value yourself so little that you’d risk your life for a shag with a stranger? Dangerous people can be utterly charming and very plausible - you might well not realise the danger until it’s too late. You sound rather vulnerable.

Original poster
JustGraduated · 18/02/2023 21:06

Thanks for the responses on here. Two common things have come up.

1 was about whether I saw any signs of her in the house. I didn’t, but I have to be honest I wasn’t looking for any either. I took him at his word he was single so felt no reason to. Also if he had planned on meeting someone he may have hidden anything he thought would be an issue. Maybe I was a bit caught up in the moment but it all seemed fine and not as if he was married.

2 was about going home with a guy I’d just met that night. I’d only ever had a ONS when I was in uni so it was with other students. When I am out I take all the precautions I can e.g. about drink spiking, always go out as a group and have our phones on us and have a condom in case. With hindsight was probably naiive to have one with an older guy. Safe to say I won’t be rushing into any in the future.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustGraduated · 18/02/2023 21:09

Also thanks to everyone who said I wasn’t in the wrong, was really worried people would say I was to blame.

Good to know I wouldn’t need to involved in any divorce stuff as well, just want it to be over.

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 18/02/2023 21:23

call Me old fashioned but I can’t imagine chatting to a bloke for an hour and then getting my knickers off. Not judging - just can’t get my head around why people do this!

WidthofaLine · 18/02/2023 21:39

SunflowerTed · 18/02/2023 21:23

call Me old fashioned but I can’t imagine chatting to a bloke for an hour and then getting my knickers off. Not judging - just can’t get my head around why people do this!

Many young people do to fill a void in some way or another. For many women it gives them a grounding for how they don't want to be treated in future relationships.

It can just be a Band Aid on loneliness.

Original poster
JustGraduated · 18/02/2023 22:18

@SunflowerTed @WidthofaLine

I appreciate a ONS is not for everyone and that the idea of it is strange for some.

For me it was something I did when I was in university over the last few years and with other students. I don’t feel like I’m ready for a relationship and am not really looking for one so it’s just a way to have some fun.

After this I can’t see myself getting back in a ONS anytime soon but not ruling out forever.

OP posts:
Dery · 18/02/2023 22:41

OP - how can you say you’re taking all precautions when you’re going home with men you don’t know? The fact he was older is neither here nor there. The fact is that he was a stranger who, for all you know, could be a rapist or murderer. You mention ensuring your drink wasn’t spiked - you could be sober as a judge but it’s very unlikely you could defend yourself against a man determined to do you harm. It’s good to hear you won’t be doing this again in a hurry as you don’t seem to be sufficiently switched on to the main risk here. Picking up strangers for sex is just such a risky way to get your kicks.

OldFan · 18/02/2023 23:49

With hindsight was probably naiive to have one with an older guy.

Just don't go to a random bloke's house @JustGraduated . It's dangerous to do that with someone you don't know. Better to do stuff up an alleyway maybe IDK.

Or better still, don't.

OldFan · 18/02/2023 23:51

Getting hotels would obviously be much safer than going to their place or having them to yours.

WidthofaLine · 19/02/2023 00:40

Yes if they're strangers, no getting in their car with them first night, taxi's please.

And then hotel.

KettrickenSmiled · 19/02/2023 01:10

Am I at fault here or is there something I should have done differently?
If you take men you've only known for an hour up in offers to go to their house, you're quite lucky that the worst that happened (for you) is that an unexpected wife turned up.

I’ve had a few ONSs & if I’m comfortable with a guy I’ll go for it
This is the problem with ONS. Not that you have some enjoyable, meaningless sex: that you don't know whoTF you are shagging.

Feeling comfortable isn't a gauge of how safe some random bloke is.

KettrickenSmiled · 19/02/2023 01:11

I appreciate a ONS is not for everyone and that the idea of it is strange for some.

Not strange.
Just reckless.

KettrickenSmiled · 19/02/2023 01:17

Also, if the wife does decide to divorce him (she said she might) would I need to be involved in the process

Not unless you are from the 1940's, & fancy dressing up in co-respondent shoes.

You are spectacularly naive, & that's not said to wound you, but to try & make you sit up & realise that the world isn't safe just because you decide you feel "comfortable" with a man you have known for minutes.

Have you not heard of date-rape, of spiking, of men who hate women & enjoy getting them into vulnerable spots by pretending to be good guys?

OldFan · 19/02/2023 01:23

@JustGraduated I thought it was impossible to be raped by a bloke if I was up for a shag.

He still violently raped me, even when consensual sex was available, because he got off on that.

Original poster
JustGraduated · 19/02/2023 08:21

Overnight this thread seems to have turned more from about what happened to about whether I should have had a ONS in the first place.

The clear answer on this is that I was foolish for having one and probably asking for trouble.

At the time I didn’t feel as if there was an issue, I had had several ONS during uni, some better than others, but no reason to have one in future.

This was obviously naiive of me to think it would be fine forever. For those saying I should stay away from ONS believe me I have learnt my lesson and will not be looking anything similar.

OP posts:
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