DP's friends aren't 'my kind of people'

[YellowHighHeels]

I have a wonderful partner whom I am moving in with soon. He's lovely.

He has several circles of friends. Most are nice and I really enjoy seeing them. However his one main friendship group are the ones he sees most regularly and their partners are now part of the mix. He's known them since uni and all work together. All decent people but really just not my cup of tea and unfortunately wind me up a bit.

They're genuinely fine people, and have never done anything terrible but if I'm being honest I find them uptight, smug and judgemental plus some are a bit obnoxious.

Twice last night two different people joined a conversation I was having and physically turned their back on me, pushing me out.

I was making conversation with someone else, asking about where his DP lives (my old city so I know it well) and he was responding as though I was an idiot, sarcastically etc.

Neither me nor my DP get wasted or anything but we like a couple of drinks. Twice people have made tut-tutting comments about us drinking too much (I assure you we weren't pissed or acting out of line, and certainly don't drink to excess, they just don't really drink much at all).

I told DP last night that I felt they had been a bit rude (when we left, I didn't make a scene). I now feel really bad as though I'm putting his friends down. Honestly that's not it. I'm just not used to that sort of behaviour.

I've tried with them. I'm quite an outgoing and sociable person. They just seem to be always judging, one-upping and always right plus not really interested in talking to me. They turn conversation around to work or money (investments) at every opportunity. Fine. I just don't particularly want to be there.

He usually sees them weekly and likes me to come.

Would it be ok to say honestly 'I've nothing against Bob, Roy and Maureen but they're not really my kind of people and I've found them a bit rude a few times now so would prefer not to join you', or do I need to suck this up and go along even if not weekly?

I'm new to town and my friends are some distance away so it's not a question of always having someone else to go out with and I don't want DP thinking he has to stay in with me. He doesn't.

I don't want any trouble or anything, or to affect his friendships. It's important to me that he has them. I just don't particularly want to see more of this group than necessary.

Nothing wrong in you seeing them less and him going on his own. But if they are his main social group, that's not going to fly for long if he sees them every week, is it, really?

If you're planning a family or you are left home on your own, I can see it becoming problematic and a source of friction.

As an aside, it must be quite noticeable that you two were drinking if people were snotty about it - sometimes our perceptions of how we're acting can be a bit off if drinking.

Not sure what to advise really. You definitely need to branch out and get your own social circle going as well.

Is he aware there have been occasions they have turned their backs to you while you were speaking?

As they all work together it sounds like they are in a bit of a clique which can make you feel that you don't fit in, but rudeness, and ignoring you is totally unacceptable. There's no reason why you can't tell your partner that they are not really your cup of tea. Let him socialise on his own, you don't have to be joined at the hip. I think l'd make that the day that l was going to gym class or some other enjoyable activity!

If you'd class these people as nice then I dunno what you'd class as nasty.

I'd certainly not be seeing sarcastic twat anymore. He's obviously some varient of narcissist or similar. Wouldn't want my husband around him either. Or anyone else who I'd say was 'obnoxious'.

I'd sit hubby down and ask him, who amongst them he considered to be a decent human being. A nice person. And did he like the...qualities amongst the others. I'd suggest that maybe he take a good look at them and decide whom he really wanted in his life out of them as a person is defined by the company he keeps.

'Just think on it. I'm not much keen on a lot of them so I'm going to bow out but I want you to have friends. Just maybe make more time for the good, salt of the earth ones. The ones that care about you rather than just themselves. Take a hard look at them and decide which ones are worth making the effort with. And which ones you really should leave behind. Because I want you to have emotionally healthy, kind people in your life. Not braggarts and narcissists. I'll say no more about it but know you can always talk with me if you need to'.

(Because sometimes we end up with 'friends' and never really give it much thought as to whether or not we even like them as people. And it's not until someone says 'but...they're not very nice are they?' we actually start looking at their behaviour and deciding why we actually even want to be their friend).

A lot of DH's friends and family are complete tools, I made a huge effort in the beginning, not so much now, some of them I can just about tolerate nowadays and some I just spend as little time as possible with.

It's a pretty delicate conversation to have with your DP (that you don't like his friends) it's bound to feel like a personal insult to him, no matter how you sugar coat it, tread carefully, but by no means do you have to spend your free time with people whose company you don't enjoy.

Thanks everyone.

@category12 it's not a set in stone weekly event, just that he sees them.on average about every week or two. I'd have no problem with that at all continuing.

They're honestly not bad people. I wouldn't have any qualms about him seeing them. Just I suppose quite set in their ways and self satisfied.

In terms of drinks, you're not wrong in that it's easy to underestimate how many you've had! But we had about 3 over the evening at the pub (and can handle this amount). They were just drinking soft drinks so had had none.

What made me really feel for him was when I mentioned the 2 people turning their backs and how he said he actually feels quite left out of this group sometimes and growing distant from them. He definitely accepted they're a bit arrogant but has known them so long he doesn't want to lose touch. I felt quite sad for him and didn't want to be part of him losing his old friends.

Sounds like it may come to a natural end anyway if he's feeling like that.

The sarcastic one is a bit of an oddball generally, I think. I was told not to take any of.it personally. It just annoys me a bit that all of my friends have taken a real interest in getting to know and like him, when I can't see that much of them, whereas his are like this towards me.

Possibly. At least the frequency. I think it doesn't help that the group's partners don't really have much in common with each other. I've suggested that he and I maybe join a couple of hobby groups together to get to know a few new mutual people in addition to existing friendships. I definitely need to get to know more people locally.

I would step back a bit. If he feels the same way as you he doesn’t have to see them as often. His choice. Definitely doing hobbies etc and making other friends could be the way forward.

How old are you op@YellowHighHeels ?

Both mid 30s

They sound awful.

There ambivalence towards him has now made them feel entitled to be rude to you.

Do not tolerate it. Let him off.

No particular criticism, but just NO INTEREST either.

Changing who you are, and spending time with tools is not part of the deal IMO.

Absolutely encourage him to see them on HIS own time.

Making new friends together is a great idea and I think you should really focus on that.

If he sees them every two weeks, let him off.

Focus YOUR energies on new friends and activities that will forge them.

His sound awful so best to accept it and move on.