Why did I stay in this relationship for so long?

[Lasttime1]

That's the question I'm asking myself. I'm nearly 50 but have only had a couple of relationships, my last one being four years, so not very experienced. I'm wondering if I had low self esteem as I can now see there were red flags I ignored such as:

• would never tell me he loved me, in fact said he didn't know how he felt about me
• never complimented me on how I looked, but occasionally said he didn't like my hair a certain way
• praised his own cooking all the time but sat in stony silence when eating anything I cooked and said I stacked dishwasher wrong etc.
• was critical/ made fun at times of my interests
• always right and spoke over me sometimes

Now this wasn't all the time and he'd a lot of good points. I developed anxiety when we broke up but looking back I think he may have caused it during the relationship?

Forgot to add he ended it by a slow fade, so it wasn't even me that ended it.

Often it's to do with low self-esteem and how we grew up.

What's your family background like - were your parents cold or critical or did you grow up thinking you weren't good enough in some way? Are you a bit of a people-pleaser?

We can get ourselves in relationships where we're kind of desperate to get affection/approval from our partners who withhold it from us in a dysfunctional power dynamic - it's weirdly addictive.

I’m just coming out of a very long marriage and feel the same way.

It wasn’t til I went to therapy that I truly realised how awful his behaviour was.

I also took antidepressants, it blunts all you emotions and I realised it was what was helping me put up with him.

Maybe you ex has done you a favour by exiting your life. I’m still picking up the pieces but I’d rather be single than with someone who has to put you down so they can feel better about themselves.

Yes, I'm definitely a people pleaser - eg feel guilty if I say no to people for any reason. Also, there was often conflict between a sibling and parent growing up and I used to try to keep the peace.

I've had a few sessions of therapy also as was finding it hard to get over breakup and it's only now I'm questioning why I was so passive.

I think it’s great you’re asking yourself why you stayed in the relationship so long. The relationship wasn’t good for you and you now realise this and you have also come to believe you deserve better.
It can take time to figure out why you put up with such a relationship. I didn’t fully appreciate how bad things were with my ex until I was away from him and just being myself. Over time I put together why I had ended up in that situation.
Wishing you all the happiness now OP.

Thank you. I often used to think it was just 'banter' when he belittled/criticised but am beginning now to see it for what it was.

Sounds like you had a lucky escape really, he sounds awful. Well done for seeing him for what he is now.