I don’t think I want children dilemma

[Difficulchoicescoming]

I will give some background into my life, so that you can understand my issues. I have had quite a traumatic upbringing and I don’t really have any family support due to going NC with my mum. My father is just as bad but he lives abroad, I can’t have a relationship with him either. It seems like my wider family have turned their back on me and judge me for my decision to not have a relationship with my mum. Obviously this wasn’t a sudden decision, I’ve suffered and tried my best for years with her. The last 5-6 years I’ve just decided to put myself first. I haven’t been NC with her for the whole time as she’s very manipulative and she wormed her way back in previously.

My issue with her is that she cannot admit that she’s been a bad mum, or let me down. She’s a very stubborn woman. She is an alcoholic as well which comes with it’s own issues. My husband and everyone around me tells me that I would be a great mother. My honest fear is that I will end up like my mum and I will do to my children what she did to me, without even knowing I’m doing it. People have said to me that is very unlikely as I would make sure to be nothing like her. This makes sense but I suppose are we genetically positioned to end up like our parents after all?

One more point to make is this obsession over not wanting children started around 5 years ago. My husband wants children and I don’t know what to say to him. We’ve been together for 8 years. I’ve explained the above to him but in my heart I know that he thinks I will change my mind. I genuinely don’t think I will. I’ve told him we may need to discuss divorce if he feels he cannot stay with me. I would rather face that now than face it when we are 35+ if he really feels strongly about having kids, he is 33 nearly 34 and I’m 31. I’ve been bringing it up for about 2-3 years now. He hasn’t left me yet, but I think he’s not taking me seriously. I don’t think having a child is a good idea after everything I’ve been through.

I can’t fault him, he would be an amazing father. I’m happy to wait and see, but I worry it will be too late once I decide I do want a child. I worry it will be too late for him once he realises I don’t want one and he will be too old himself to start over. I can’t say 100% because I don’t know for sure. Lets put it this way, if I was single I wouldn’t even be thinking about having children. I’m not going to just have one because my husband wants to. I’m not that stupid this is a child's life. People may say I’m selfish for not wanting children but I think it’s selfish to just have them without giving it any thought.

What confuses people is that I’m very good with children. My own SIL says she trusted me to look after her newborn baby more than anyone else. I am very close with my nieces and I am more importantly trusted, so deep down I know I have what it takes. I think my anxiety is a big issue here. I am very attentive and responsible with other peoples children, I am good at communicating with them and I am really just treating children how I wish I was treated growing up. People always say to me especially recently that it’s my turn next or ask me when I’m having children, this is really awkward to be honest I wish they wouldn’t ask me but I understand they are just making conversation.

Firstly, OP - there is nothing selfish about choosing not to have children and you’ve been honest with your DH about this.

Looking after other people’s children is different from parenting your own. Crucially - at some point you get to give them back. So your skill with other children may well be evidence that you’d make a fab mum but it might also demonstrate that your role is to be the fabulous hands-on aunt. That is also a very important role to play in a child’s life.

Your DH’s window for having children is likely to be longer than yours - he could well father children in his 40s or 50s, even beyond. What this could mean is that he leaves you 10 or 15 years from now to have children with a younger woman. Or he may forego having children in order to remain with you (but it would have been a deal-breaker for me if my DH had declined to have DCs (rather than bring unable) and it would have been a dealbreaker for him, too).

Given how conscious you are about the very poor parenting you received, it seems very unlikely that you would just repeat what your mother did. You’re not genetically programmed to reproduce bad parenting so please don’t imagine you’re bound to repeat your mother’s mistakes. That’s not true. If you have a strong desire for children with this being the only hurdle, then perhaps therapy to discuss this could be very helpful. And if you feel, as you suggest, that you have no drive to have children, this might also be helpfully teased out and consolidated through therapy.

I agree with Dery that some counselling would probably be a good idea, just so you can sort out how you feel in your own mind and make a decision based on what you actually want, rather than either a fear of repeating your mother’s mistakes or letting yourself be swayed by how good you are with other people’s children.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with either decision, but it has to be the right one for you.

Not wanting children is a valid choice.
Realllllly not wanting children is also a valid choice (not am 'obsession').

Usually childfree people are advised not to partner with people who want or are on the fence about having them. Life isn't always that straightforward though. But if he doesn't want to take no for an answer, it's time for him to go.

Don't worry about it depriving him of kids though. Men can and do have them way up until their 70s haha. It's not your job to be a baby oven for a man anyway. But I would make sure your birth control is foolproof.

It's OK not to want kids. 1 in 5 women never have them. Many of them are childfree. You don't have to justify 'I don't want'. 'I don't want' is enough. Also you are very much right that people who have kids they werent even sure about wanting, are the selfish ones.

Ps: there are plenty of childfrèe people who love kids and are good with kids. They just don't want their own. And that js a perfectly valid decision.

It's your life and your body and so it's your choice :)

You have no idea what your partner would be like in reality with your own children, it's just projections at this stage. Only retrospective experience can confirm this. Why did you get together with someone who wants children?

She got with him 8 years ago. She decided no to children 5 years ago. So tbf to op, she decided after she met him.