Wife believes I don’t love her or like her, but i do…

[EM892]

My wife has said multiple times over the last year or two that I don’t love her, I’m repulsed by her - she can ‘see it in my eyes’ apparently.

I do love her and have never said otherwise.
I would describe her as someone who needs lots of attention and praise/thanks for things, which i try to do but sometimes i feel it’s too much - that’s just my character though and does not mean i love her any less. I’m the sort of person who doesn’t require praise to do housework or fix things and i don’t NEED constant love bombing to feel content.

Is there anything i can do at this point to change her perception of me? I feel like i try my best already but it seems it’s never enough and then i end up feeling hurt when she comments these things, which can trigger a disagreement. At this point she says ‘its not all about you’ and tries to stop the disagreement when i try to voice my viewpoint.

Other than this we get on well, share the same life goals/habits/hobbies.

What can i do differently? When i’ve asked her, she just expects more love/care/attention but this is something I feel I’m already giving so much of. How do i give more?

Well there are two things that could be going on here:

1. She needs these words of affirmation and just because you don't need them doesn't mean her needs are invalid and so you need to actually step up and address them. You clearly aren't doing enough. Could you tell us what it is that you are doing?

1. She is actually feeling that way about you and is trying to justify that feeling by seeing negatives in your behaviour. If that is the case then you aren't going to win that battle.

If she has poor self-esteem and can't believe she is loveable, would you as a couple be able to afford counselling or therapy for her? Would she be open to seeking that?

Thinking you're repulsed by her is very strong wording - do you have a good sex-life, and are you physically affectionate outside of sex?

Just because you don't need the words, she clearly does - why does it feel too much to tack on thank yous and I love yous? Why does it feel like that's a cost to you when really it's quite a little thing?

The love languages thing can be helpful sometimes?

do you have a good sex-life, and are you physically affectionate outside of sex?

Or on the other hand, is there love and care outside of sex/ pawing?
Many women, maybe men too, want to feel lived and cared, not just because you want sex from them.

she just expects more love/care/attention but this is something I feel I’m already giving so much of. How do i give more?

Op, how do you give these things to her?
Is it just comments about her looks?
Are you one of those men who think you ’love’ a woman because you want/have sex with them?
Is there a deep belonging between you two?
Maybe it’s not about more, rather than something else or in a different way.

Or on the other hand, is there love and care outside of sex/ pawing?
Many women, maybe men too, want to feel lived and cared, not just because you want sex from them.

I was responding to the specific wording in the OP that his wife says she thinks he's repulsed by her - which to me sounds like someone who feels rejected physically. Further, my mention of physical affection outside of sex is about cuddles, hand-holding, touches to the knee, kisses not pawing 🙄

Could she be projecting onto you and actually feeling a lack of love towards you? I hope not but that might be why she seems so indifferent to your attempts to reassure her.

Just a possibility...but 'it's not all about you' really tweeked my radar as something narcissist would say. It's very cold. Icy, even.

Is she a 'kind' person?
Is she nice too and about people in general?
Or...not so much.

You may be dealing with someone who is like a cup with a hole in it. And yes, it may be due to incredibly poor self esteem (in which case, she needs therapy and if she isn't willing to go, you should probably leave) or,it may be that she just needs attention and likes to control you by making you feel like you don't give enough. Like you are not 'enough' in general. Which, is abuse.

Amd common from people with npd or other cluster b (FYI, psychopaths also fall under that cluster so yeah.. not good)