Long Term Marriages…How Close Are You To Each Other?

[Questions99]

20+ years in, 2xDCs both teens now. Ours was a very codependent marriage for many years, we were inseparable. But over time things got hard and we both changed a lot. There is love and chemistry there and we ‘do life’ in peace and mostly harmony but we are so very different from one another -remarkably so. Besides the children and house, we have almost nothing in common. Our values are different, some of our politics, all of our hobbies and interests, I’m outgoing, he’s self-contained, I want to travel he doesn’t, I’m driven, he’s horizontal, I’m chatty and silly, he doesn’t get my sense of humour at all, it takes us an hour to find something we both want to watch on TV. These are just some examples but we are chalk and cheese and whilst busy paying bills and raising little ones it didn’t matter much. But what happens when the kids leave? We are already living quite separate lives; separate bedrooms, hobbies, work patterns.. is this normal? Those in long term marriages, is this a midlife crisis thing? Is it normal for the shape of the marriage to change so much? Is independence within the relationship a good thing or a bad sign for when we have an empty nest?

Out of interest, by separate bedrooms, does this mean there is no intimacy anymore?
im asking as I have a thread asking for advice about my long term relationship where intimacy has gone but our lives together are so intertwined and we have so many good
time as a family
im interested to understand how unconventional marriages work

We use separate rooms because we both snore. I’m worst but ironically the lighter sleeper and after years of putting up with us both being sleep deprived, we just gradually fell into him using the spare room. I hated it at first as I missed him and it definitely reduces intimacy (less opportunity!) but we are still intimate in the sense of sex. However, there’s so much more to intimacy that I feel has been lost by being in separate rooms; no chit chat getting up and going to sleep is a big one. There are plus sides; better sleep being a huge one, but I can also suit myself and get up early or read late and not disturb him. He’s a night owl and I’m a morning lark (yet another difference..!)
I definitely wouldn’t choose this but it’s a necessity for health and we are far less grumpy with each other and the kids this way. It still grieves me that we don’t have that traditional aspect of sharing a bed.

Been together 30 years our children are now 23,19 and 13. In the last couple of years we have started to reconnect as a couple. We have changed a lot over the years. It’s an odd time as I question me my whole life what I want what I don’t want! It does make you question everything weather that’s being menopausal or being together 30 years I don’t know.
today my husband told me he would never remarry as he couldn’t face starting over again I read that as I had managed to put him off women. Marriage is work hard work I think as we get older it’s about finding a different pace. I think men don’t see anything!!!! I think woman change more I’m still navigating this change but hopefully we will get through it together. One thing we started to do is go for walks together about 3-4 times a week it gives us a chance to chat.
we don’t sleep separately but I do know couples who do it’s about what you need and maybe intimacy needs to be highlighted for you. Don’t let society dictate your marriage make it unique for you
marriage should evolve don’t be scared to evolve with it

In long yerm marriage 25 years, 2 dc 21 and 19.
We lind of lost ourselves a few years back became so wrapped up in the kids.
As they've grown we have reconnected. We di much more together, watch TV, go to pub for meals and intimacy better than ever.
What I'm trying to say is that when together a long time relationships will have ups and downs.
Are you happy with him that's what id be asking myself? Do you love him ?
If you are then you may rediscover each other same as we have.

My advice, buy a bigger bed and start sleeping together again if possible.

The connection of sleeping together is very important especially as you can't be that old.

I agree with the pp that your marriage should be unuique, it doesn't matter what others do or have, it's lasted this long but you recognise that work needs to be done, but it has to be effort from both of you.