Grief destroying homelife

[ManorHall7]

This is a long one bear with. Been with DH since teenagers over 20 years. Married 14 two young primary aged children. Fil passed away 15 years ago. Left mil and SIL. DH always had a slightly enmeshed relationship with her I have on many occasions been second best in important situations and scenarios, unfortunately for me I put up with it. We have always lived 5 minutes away ,he wouldphone or text every day and call in 4 5 times a week. I never had a terrible relationship but weren't mega close and I was on occasion resentful. She could be difficult and obstinate too. DH suffers from ocd and anxiety ftom childhood never sorted by his parents. I had terrible childhood both parents died young and when I was young. He has SIL but she is very emotionally immature and has always relied on DH rather than her own DH.

MIL passed away 7 weeks ago, following 6 weeks in hospital unexpectedly. She was just 80. Not a decriped lonely old lady. Active and busy social life. It was extremely difficult period in hospital as DH was visiting twice a day -prior to any end of life diagnosis. I was working managing children house etc. I have a long term chronic health condition requiring monthly hospital treatment and peri menopausal. Then obviously during pallative he was understandably at hospital large proportion of time .

Since her passing it has understandably a difficult period especially for him but also our older child who has been very upset. During all this time I have been helping practically and trying emotionally but have been DH emotional punchbag. He is full of regrets etc all normal but blames me for not having her for dinner more etc. He isn't working at the moment signed off but is just started counselling. He keeps stating he doesn't know how he's going go live without her etc.

He is out seeing friends , social sporting activities going to gym etc I have encouraged this however he is also glued to his phone constantly messaging etc. He barely talks to me the atmosphere isn't great and affecting the children. I gave suggested just us getting out of the house he nods but never happens yet he is arranging his boys nights etc. I am still doing all house , managing children and working

I know it's really early days in terms of grief but I am struggling to deal with getting all the crap end of DH whilst everyone esle is getting the nearly normal part. I cannot see anyway through at the moment

It's also bought out anger and resentment in me. I have always done things to placate him and his relationship with MIL. Never asked you move further away etc. Always split Christmases, last wishes on mother's day. I am angry he hasn't ever bothered to acknowledge how much perimenopause has affected me and how much my illness does. I am always told eat exercise more etc it will make it better etc

Does anyone have any advice should I get my own counselling ?

Grief is natural, but he should not be taking it out on you, OP. He makes time for gym and socialising but is clearly avoiding you. I think you need to tell him you have to talk, and don’t accept excuses. Mourning his mother does not give him a free pass to blame or belittle you — and in fact he has always taken you for granted. Make it clear that, though you want to support him as you always have, you are not a piece of household equipment and he must start showing you some respect.

Counselling may also help. Best of luck, OP.

Grieving is shite but you can still control how you treat other people. I had to lean heavily on other people when DP died suddenly but I tried really hard not to let my grieving impact on them.
I think grief counselling will help your husband and I think someone for you to talk to completely separately will help you. Are there any support groups for your health condition?
One situation that might occur ( but also, might not) is your husband and SIL band together to talk about their mother ( understandable) but only their mother and it becomes all consuming. Maybe just something to watch for?

Thank you. My health condition is a physical one that can impact life but I genuinely don't let it. I haven't really thought about talking about it but it could be good.

I am also concerned about my DD who is older understandably upset as close to her nan but I think as its all consuming my DH she isn't having any space away from it. SIL has her own children but is treating mils house like a shrine and thinks kids should be able to go and play down there etc. The one time DD went in together with dh it set her back.
I don't think it's a healthy way to grieve

Your totally getting the shitty end of the stick here

I’d get some counselling and assert some boundaries

not well enough to work , but well enough to gym socialise and text all day and night ?
and his emotional punch bag ? Screw that

id get some support for yourself

It's very hard. I don't want to cross a boundary and say anything as he has obviously lost his mum. But if I broach this he gets angry.

But yes you are right I do need to get counselling for myself.

It’s gone so far probably that it’s become normal

but yes shitty behaviour and if it’s got to the stage you can’t tell him that his behaviour is ABYSMAL - you really need to talk to someone

treating a woman (your wife ) as an emotional punch bag is totally grim x