When did you know when to leave?

[GAW19]

I've been unhappy for a while now, But thought it was just my head.
We have 2 DD's both under 4. I'm a sahm, dp works full time mon-Fri.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm not even a person, just a mum. Dp is very caring and wants to make everyone happy, but the last few years it seems I don't fit into the same category as everyone else. If I try to tell him how unhappy I am he literally says nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not a word. Then just carries on like nothing happened.
I know I want to leave, I know I need to leave for my sanity and for my girls
His family are lovely but don't really make much of an effort, rarely see them even though they live very close so no support there. My family live 4 hour drive away.
I just don't know what to do. If I leave I have nowhere to live, nowhere to go.
If I leave and stay up here, I have no one but DD1 stays at her school and I'm sure I'll figure something out but I will literally have 0 support apart from them seeing their dad. If I move back 'home' to family I will have my family and support but then major guilt that I have moved DD's so far away from their dad.
I'm so confused and just don't know what is right and wrong 😞

🤷🏻‍♀️

Have you spoken to your GP? You’re right in the middle of the most overwhelming time of your life and it takes an immense emotional toll. You might be suffering from PND - you might not - but if you’re not feeling yourself it’s worth having it checked out. Think also about getting a job - even part time. It will put you in a better position if you do want to leave. At the moment you are fully reliant on your husband for money and that can be hard on both of you

Moving to new school now would be fine, they would quickly make new friends as they are so small. I am not sure about the legality of moving them away from their dad though.

What would make you happy though? If you want to be more than just a mum then you would need to do something about that - a job or some hobbies on the evening or join some groups? Maybe do a course, retrain or enhance some skills ready for full time work once both the girls are in school?

Hello. Poor you OP. I know that invisible, lonely feeling.

Don’t go anywhere today. If you left you’d have to get a job/make lots of changes so I’m going to suggest you stay but begin to make them anyway. Marriages are good financial, logistical containers, which is why men use them so well as places to achieve career success, physical health etc. You need to stay, but begin turning your life around. Write your husband off for now as anything but a co-habitor. He isn’t going to provide emotional companionship for now. But you should start using the family resources to create the future you want.

Buy a nanny, get gym membership, get a cleaner, retrain. Get your hair done. Take a two week break to visit your family with the kids. Buy yourself a new washbag for the trip. Have an affair with yourself, OP.

See how it feels when you’ve got the machine of marriage skewed more in your favour. See how your husband changes. He will.

OP - it sounds to me like you may have depression. Being an SAHM is absolutely not for everyone. When my mum had me, she and most of her friends were SAHMs in the early years of parenting and depression was rampant amongst them.

All parents lose their sense of themselves somewhat in the early years of parenting - tiny children are all encompassing in their demands because they can’t do much for themselves and need adult attention to keep them safe. So you’re still in the thick of it. But being an SAHM means that all your concerns are about your DCs and your house and you have very little adult company.

It really sounds like the problem is much more to do with you being an SAHM than particularly your marriage. Ideally you should go back to work part-time and/or your DH need to find space in the schedule for you to engage in a couple of hobbies or activities just for you.

Parenting gets a lot easier as your DCs grow, OP. You’re in the most demanding phase and I think that is skewing your thinking.

Have you thought about returning to work?
that might help you be not just a mum …..

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate the replies.
It's horrible isn't it when you know the answers and will instantly give anyone else the exact same advice but just not yourself.
I think work is a big thing as I have worked full time since I was 16 up until I had dd2.
I just over worry about stuff, DP works 8-4 mon-fri so I worry if I work evenings or weekends then we would never have time as a family. But I will be looking for work when we have moved out.
We are not married thankfully so a little easier with leaving.
I spoke to him yesterday and explained how unhappy I really was but as per usual he just replies to the unimportant parts of the conversation. But I have told him we will be moving out. I'm not sure where to yet or location but we can't stay here, for my own sanity. He has woken up this morning like nothing happened.

How do I know I'm doing right by my girls? Urg life is so hard 😞

all You can do is try and get your mental health back on track
the usual mechanisms of
medication
therapy
exercise
and some time out

I’d suggest you get back to work 1000%

this both a distraction and IF this relationship doesn’t have legs - you are closer to being financially Independant and maybe you don’t need to move away

as fizzy said you need to have an affair with yourself
only YOU can do this for yourself
forget about DP and that relationship for now- leave it be
and get yourself on a more even keel