Starting to lose respect for DH- work related

[RichTea63]

So, I'm well aware that I may be in for a roastin' here and come across as very judgemental.....When I met DH he was a mature student studying for his masters in a creative subject at a very prestigious University. One of the things I loved about him was his creativity and drive. He is amazingly intelligent and talented....

Fast forward 15 years and despite getting a first class honors degree he has never done anything with it and has had a string of minimum wage jobs, none of which he has enjoyed or stuck at for longer than a few months. I think confidence has played a part and he hasn't applied for jobs due to low self esteem. I have tried to support him the best that I can, and for a year I was the sole breadwinner so he could focus on his novel (which remains half finished). I don't have an amazingly paid job myself, but have worked my way up to be on a decent salary. So having been in his current job for a few months it is the same old story...wants another job, doesn't know what so is looking at delivery driving/supermarkets etc to tide him over. We are financially OK and he has always worked hard, so perhaps it shouldn't bother me...but the thing is he isn't happy, and frustration is starting to chip away at me that he hasn't better applied his degree and all his skills. It would also be nice to have some more money (obviously) and we also have DC that I would like to be able to save more for. This is awful to admit but I am a bit embarassed when people ask me what DH does for a living. He's mid 40's now so I feel that time isn't on his side. I suppose I don't care what he does as long as he enjoyed it, or if he had a job that enabled him to continue his creative pursuits on this side. It just feels relentless and miserable, and I am finding that I am losing some respect for him.

I don't know what I'm asking here really, a bit of a rant I guess. It would be good to hear whether people have encountered the same issues, or any ideas on how I can change how I think about this, as I fear it could really drive a wedge between us.

Has he any idea of what he wants to do that he could realistically aim for/train for?

He’s never had any real ambition by the sounds of it so I don’t know why you expect it to change; you knew he was a loser when you married him

I don’t think you’re judgemental. He behaves like this because you pick up the slack and you’re losing respect because of it. Having a lower paying job but enjoying it etc. is one thing. Lacking any ambition, moaning and relying on someone else is something else entirely.

Unfortunately OP I'm always wary of mature students who are doing something like a masters in a creative field - it feels like an avoidance of becoming an adult and knuckling down into a job/career. I'm even more wary of people who take time out of working to 'write a novel ' which has about a 10% chance of being written and about a 0.5% of that of actually being read by anyone.

I'm not saying everyone is like this of course and many people stop their existing careers to go down this path but that's different, they've already done the work/career thing.

It sounds like the lack of ambition was always there, you just didn't notice it.

Post graduate degrees are graded as fail, pass or distinction.

But your post reads that he got a first, for a post graduate degree, which he was completing at the time you met?

And after this he couldn't work because he was writing a novel, so you needed to support him. I fear that he has been imposing on you.

This could be indulged by a parent of a 22 year old, but not in by you, as his partner now, bearing in mind his age.

His best option now would be to train for a skilled job where there is some payment, such as an apprenticeship nursing or social work training, whilst doing support work.

Tell him to stop winging and get to grips. Time for some tough love.

I’m guessing he studied English Literature? If he’s mid-40s that was likely before tuition fees, so less pressure to study something that would lead directly to a job. Probably he had zero careers advice back then and nobody pushing him to do something useful with himself.

Difficult to turn it round now! And are you living somewhere that places geographic constraints on what jobs are available?

I was paying tuition fees for postgraduate stud which I completed in 1989 so I'm guessing partner of OP would have paid considerably more. If his story checks out.

So he could train to be a teacher.

Thrive off the energy of teaching younger minds and talent.

Yeah he sounds resentful, boring and as if the world owes him a fantastic creative living, which it doesn't.

He might just not be good enough. Regardless of education.

This exactly....I feel like I slept-walked into this relationship and now a cloud has lifted, and I am seeing the situation clearly. I really want this marriage to work, but things do need to change. I think love and respect are mutual.

In which case I can only recommend that it's cards on the table time for you both, a good sit down and open, honest conversation about where you are headed and what he is actually doing with his life. It sounds like the basics are there relationship wise which is great, but unless he can be happy in himself/with his side of things then eventually it's going to cause issues.

I think he may just need a kick up the backside but from the angle of you just want him to be happy, and while his job path to date hasn't worked - you can work together to find something that'll give him more satisfaction. With that will come self belief and confidence - I think he'll need some support to get there but it's certainly do-able.

I had a similar issue with my ex DH, although there were other complications that doomed our relationship. He never met his employment potential and I ended up earning double what he did, worked very long hours while he frequently skived and yet I still took more than 50% responsibility for house and kids. I lost respect for him and he lost respect for himself. I also felt embarrassed when people would ask about his work, I used to say he was between contracts. It would have been different if he had taken full responsibility for the home.

I don't really have good suggestions apart from that you are not being judgmental for feeling this way and you need to have some open conversations with him about it.

Could you afford for him to do some counselling/therapy to address the low self-esteem, if that's what's behind his work choices? Would he be open to it if you could?

If he was willing to do some work on himself, then maybe it's worth a try.

But ultimately if he doesn't have much ambition workwise, you're not going to be able to push him into it or change him. It depends what's most important to you, maybe your values/goals are a mismatch.