Why is it 'better' to get married?

[Rabbitjungle1]

I have been with my partner for 12 years. We're very committed to one another, have a loving and trusting relationship, and are expecting our first baby in the autumn. We've always wanted children together, but never been fussed about getting married and don't plan to. This is a joint decision that we are both happy with. We have mirror wills.

Over the past few months I have seen so many posts on MN advising women not to have children with someone they aren't married to. Why is this? I don't mean this antagonistically or obtusely - I am genuinely curious. I have a good job that's well-paid (my partner earns more, but not by that much - although long-term his earning potential is higher), we have a house with a joint mortgage (50/50 deposit). Both own our own cars, have good pensions, and our respective (separate) savings. Granted, my partner's car is of higher value and he has more savings than me. I plan to take 12 months' mat leave and then return to work full time, neither of us are planning on being a SAHP or going part-time.

I am not naive - despite knowing that we are as committed to one another as we can be without marriage, I know that in the eyes of UK law we are not considered equal with a married couple. Are there practical or child-rearing related reasons that we should get married? Is there anything we should be setting up administratively in advance of the birth, given that we are not married (i.e. in case medical decisions need to be made)? What am I missing?! Thank you for reading.

I'm not assuming that at all - I'm very much in favour of women NOT being the default parent-But the rest of the world hasn't always got the memo, so sometimes assumptions will be made.

And ultimately the only person she has control over is herself and her choices

If equally sharing the responsibility works out then that's obviously ideal, but there are no guarantees about what will actually happen when baby is here

I never understand why people get married to shackle themselves to someone else so we’re all different 🤷‍♀️ Those bits of paper are not replicating ‘marriage’.

Someone else has already mentioned civil partnership OP but I thought I'd mention it again

All the legal rights of marriage without the baggage

Of course only relevant if you think you want that (maybe not if you have significantly more assets than your DP) but certainly worth considering the pros and cons

How have you seen all these posts recommending marriage but you have failed to see all these posts from women trapped in relationships, with no job, no pension, no savings, no money. Not trying to be obtuse or antagonistic. Of course not.

Honestly OP, you're missing such a big point. I don't know if you're just pretending to be obtuse or if you really are. But very often women are trapped because they are not married and have no right to anything

Also if you are a high earner and say your house is worth 1-2m, there's no inheritance tax if you're married but if not it's a massive impact. I mean feel free to enrich HMRC if you want

But whatever you do, don't come back here in 10 years and give us a tale of woe as it's all due to your shortsightedness. Good luck

heartbroken40

firstly you can’t tell op to not come back !

im way better off for not having married

That’s the simple fact as the split cost very little , property was mine , no maintenance as I have kids etc and minimal legal fees

I appreciate that an unmarried sahp is totally and utterly screwed - we know that - and it’s wince inducing to read

but be clear that marriage can also mess things up for women who are financially solvent and have landed themselves with a (excuse the MN phrase ) cocklodger

This is what I would have told my younger self:

1. Be really clear about maternity leave. What are you entitled to financially during the whole period (vis-a-vis your normal salary) and how will any shortfall in your 50% contribution to mortgage and bills be covered? How will you both feel about it if your dp is contributing more for that period? Will you feel you have to do more in the house to compensate? Will he feel entitled to a bigger share of the house / decision making because he's 'paying more'? Will he be able to spend money of a weekend stag do while you struggle to pay for an expensive night out with the girls? You may think you are on the same page now but throw a baby into the mix, with your hormones all over the place and both of you sleep-deprived and feeling a lack of attention from your partner... You'd be surprised how unreasonable many of us can become. Whatever you do, don't cover any shortfall from your savings, unless he is doing likewise from his. And if he can afford to pay the additional bills and have some money left over, will HIS savings continue to increase while yours stagnate? Will there be equal contributions to your pension during this period (and that of any other subsequent mat leaves)? It may seem small amount now but over the years, and possible repeat occurances, it all adds up.

2. What will happen with housework/chores while you are on mat leave? I would strongly advise against anything except a continued 50/50 split, or a cleaner. You may feel that you have time to take on more of the load while your baby sleeps, or if you're at home tidying up the toys anyway. However a year of mat leave is a long time, and a period when I've seen many Dads become delightfully accustomed to doing less around the house, and the resenting it when their dp returns to work and they are asked to pick up their share again.

3. The point at which you might return to work is a key moment. You might have fallen in love with the time you spend with your little one, you might have appreciated having more time to see friends during the day, or to have coffee with your Mum, or go to a parent/baby yoga class... Your dp might have relished having less housework to do, appreciated coming home at the end of a working day to a warm home, dinner nearly ready, or he may have felt proud to be the one supporting his family. You may both have enjoyed having weekends as family time rather than time spent recovering from the exhaustion of the week, catching up with laundry and housework. (Of course none of this might apply). However, this is the point at which many couples' plans change. They agree that she (that's most often how it turns out) reduces her hours 'just for a couple of years'. What then? How does the balance of domestic balance / work get split. This is the point (in terms of financial equality and protection) where it might be advisable to get married - because his earning potential and financial contribution increases, yours stagnates / reduces. But it's too late! You're already committed with a child. What's the point in getting married? he might ask. I'll always see you right...

4. Be really and fully understanding of childcare costs and arrangements. Drop off times, pick up times, the flexibility you both have to contribute equally to the load, how you can manage the inevitable colds, sickness etc that come with a child at nursery. Who will take time off? It can be an immense pressure in the first months, organising the vast bag of clothes / nappies / comforters that might be needed during the day, wrangling a child into their car-seat, having to leave work promptly for picks ups - irrespective of the urgent deadlines or enticing after-work socialising that might seem like an option. All of this feeds into point 3 above. You both look at how much of your salary is going on childcare, you look at the logistical headache, and often couples decide that 'just for a coule of years' it's not worth it...

5. Do you know what your possible plans are in terms of future family? Another child in a couple of years? The possibility of two or three children all in paid childcare? Have you discussed how that might impact the different scenarios?

6. You start off by saying that your dp's earning potential is greater than yours long term. In relation to many of the points above, how does that impact on the organisation of your lives? Is there always going to be more pressure on you to do more of the childcare / domestic load because his jobis ultimately 'more important'?

None of the above means that you should get married or have a civil partnership, but they are all scenarios that are played out over and over again on MN and in the real world, and which often contribute to the inequality in income, pensions, potential for independence. Most people committing to have a child together believe that they have a strong relationship, love and trust each other, have each others' back. Great. Many manage to make that a reality. Some don't and that's when a legal contract comes into its own.

Inheritance tax is the biggest advantage and, as far as I am aware, is not something that can be avoided for couples that aren't married or in a civil partnership.

HMRC will take 40% of everything over £325k. It includes property which could be a significant amount you or your partner would have to find.

Glad it worked out for you. But you are demonstrating a clear understanding of what could be, OP is being faux naive.