I am 42 years old, mother of three daughters. I met my husband in 2011 november, 31 years old with a 5 year old daughter, newly separated. I had a bad marriage, without love or sex, so the newcoming divorce was a blessing. I met my 2.husband on a datingsite. He was the only one I met after chatting, he sounded interesting and serious. I met him the 16th of november, he was 39, no kids. We kissed and it was magic. He knew I had a daughter and I was newly separated. He told me he dated for 3 years, forth and back, with different women. Nothing serious, only sex.
We started dating and he started to visit me in my home after my daughter aslept. Didn t want her to meet him before we knew for sure it was US. It’s been many years ago, but I remember him sitting on my couch, his phone plinging. His, ex girlfriend was sending messages and begging him to take her back and have sex with her. He told me he didn’t want anything to do with her. I asked him if he told her that he got a new girlfriend. I assume he dumped her right before he met me.
We had sex for the 1st time after a month dating. We updated our facebook page that we are in a relationship in the middle of january. My friends were sceptical, that it was too early, after breaking up with my ex. But the soon list tgeir doubt, he was so nice. We travelled to Hungary in eastertime, at the end of March, and I was falling in love. He took good care of me.
The years after passed fast. He met my daughter after aproximately 6 months and we became as a father for her throughout the years. After a while he spent more and more time in my house, and more time with my daughter. Weekdays,weekends, dinners, breakfasts together. It was magic. We bought a house and moved in together in 2014 february. We got our 1st child in 2015,and 2nd in 2017. No arguments, totally inseparable, together all the time. My best friebd, best husband.
In 2019 we started to renovate our house. He wanted to do a lot by himself, so suddenly we had no time together, except dinners and breakfasts, because he used all his freetime on the house. He wanted to make us happy. After 3 years, he was still working on the house, easters, holidays, summers…I was with the kids. Irritated. We spebt almost no time with his friends and others, except us. Only the family existed for him.
2022,autumn holiday, october. We travelled to a cabin, to the mountains,from Sunday to Wednesday. He was playing in a Big Band, and was having a concert on Saturday. He took the train on Friday and was supposed to sleep over at his childhood friend’s place until Sunday. He abd the other men from the band started to drink beer already in the train. He felt it was like in tge old days, party, drinking and having fun. He met 2 of his childhood friends, when he arrived, and they went out. Reastaurant, pubs, clubs. He sent me some messages on Friday evening, but then I heard nothing from him. I checked our account (we only have joined accounts) and I found out he was in a stripclub with the boys. He baught 3 lapdances. I confronted him next day in the afternoon. He asked me to calm down, nothing happened, he only bought 1dance,the other 2 were for his friends, who didnt have enough money. I told him to come home immediately, but he didnt wabt to. Because he was having a concert later that evening.
Well, he ended up renting a car later that day and drove all the way home. After 8 hours of driving he arrived home at 1 o’clock. We argued the whole night and I hit him many times. He admitted that he bought all the 3 lapdances. The dances didnt last long, only few minutes. It was only dancing, not naked dance. The girl takes off the bra , the panty comes off in the end, holding hands and hiding everything,then she runs out. They are strict about this in Norway. He told me he wasnt thinking that stripclubs are cheating, he left after the 3rd dance, feeling like an idiot, not even turned on. He was extremely drunk, and didnt remember much. And I was disappointed that his two other friends didnt take him back to the apartment and put him to bed.
We never argued, quarelled, in 11 years. Now there was only screaming in our house. Our beautiful family was falling apart. We went to couples therapy but I didnt felt it helped. He told me he will stop drinking heavily when he is out, dump the friends he was with at the stripclub, his only friends he had. He also gave up the Big Band and started to sell the instruments. He said he only wanted to be with us, when he has freetime, becaufe of all the time he lost with the houserenovation and job. We agreed for him to sign under a contract, that if he ever goes to a stripclub again, or flirt, or cheat, etc., I will get his 50%of the house and all values at a divorce.
I started to feel suspicious about all the 11 years and started to interrogate him about all his past, our past. I found out, bit by bit, that he lied when we met. Small details to make him look better. Like when he cheated on his partner 4 years before we met, she found out years later and dumped him. He kept it a secret from her, me he told that he admitted immediately.
Some days later he admitted that he cheated on me. He was done with the lies. He admitted cheating on me when we met, in january or february 2012. He didn t remember the details, when. He met her outside, and drove to her friend and they spent the night there. Later that day he admitted that they left to his apartment and had sex there. This happened only once and he was terrified that I will leave him if he told me about this. He was afraid to commit himself in the beginning.
I was so shocked. Later on I also found out that he was watching porn. Not often, but sometimes. I found this out when we agreed to be totally open about everything. He stopped with porn as well, even if that was something I didn t care about too much.
I also found out that he never again cheated on me, except once at the beginning and the stripclub visit. He is totally in love with me and he missed me like hell throught the years he was renovating. But he was afraid to tell me. He wants to be totally honest about his feelings from now on and only spend time with the kids and me. He adores us and I feel that.
The big problem now is me. I feel as if my love for him is gone, the safety I had with him is gone. In anger I went out on a date with a man I met on a datingsite. After the stripclub visit. My husband knows about this and it distroys him. He lost 15kg.
Life is so shitty sometimes. A lot of things changed to better in our realtionship. He stlpped renovating, and we pay others to do that. We ordered a 2 weeks trip to Greece for this summer. We stopped watching tv for 4 months ago and use every night to talk, after the kids go to bed. Our sexlife is much better, because now he dares to tell me what he likes.
I still have flashbacks and nightmares about the cheatings. I am digging every day for more information and more lies. There are no more lies now. But still…
The connection with him is still there, but I feel as if I am burned. We had no issues in 11 years, and now we only have issues. Lies after 11 years are a shock. I try to put the pieces together, but it is still like a bad dream. How could he. Why wasnt he honest in the beginning?